It Only Hurts to Breathe
by gengen0776
Summary: 4th story parallel to Blood Bonds in the Angels and Demons series by Bambers2. Though separated by different fates, Jax never forgot his one true love. Sam and Jax embark on a cross country journey to save the woman Jax loves.
1. Chapter 1

**_It Only Hurts to Breathe_**

**_by gengen0776_**

**Author's note:**

This is the parallel 4th story to **Blood Bonds **in Bambers2's **Angels and Demons** series. Thanks to B for letting me play in her sandbox and of course Kripke too!

**_Chapter 1:_**

Becca Sinclair crouched beside two of her fellow Brethren members as they followed a man they suspected of being the werewolf,

Becca Sinclair crouched beside two of her fellow Brethren members as they followed a man they suspected of being the werewolf, terrorizing a small town just outside Charlotte, North Carolina. Becca ignore the slight twinge in her chest as her heart protested the pace they'd been forced to keep as they tailed the man. She was used to these pains, they'd become a common occurrence over the past year.

"D'ya think he's really ar man?" Luke Derringer whispered from beside her. He was close enough that she could feel his breath on her cheek.

"It's what the research tells us," she replied, trying to keep her voice from hitching as another spasm clutched at her chest. Her vision blurred slightly as the spasm finally let up and she struggled to concentrate on what Luke was saying.

"'Cause I gotta tell ya this is about as interesting as watchin' paint…" Luke's voice trailed off as his brow furrowed with concern. "Darlin', are ya feelin' alright?" he asked, the slight Irish lilt in his voice becoming more pronounced as his worry mounted.

"Y-yeah, I-I'm fine," Becca managed, her voice carrying more strength than she felt, forcing a grin to her pale features as her vision thankfully cleared. "Almost nodded off." Luke eyed her for a long moment not liking the stark contrast of her bright red hair against her pale skin. He knew something was wrong, but whenever he asked she always brushed him off.

"Guys, he's on the move," Jamie, their other companion, one of the youngest Brethren members, pointed out, nodding towards the man who was now running into a wooded area on the edge of town. The three Brethren members took off after him keeping a safe distance between them as they continued to survey the man.

Becca stopped short after a few feet as the pain in her chest hit her again, this time feeling like her heart was being pressed in a vice. Luke hurried to her side as she struggled to catch her breath. She watched breathlessly as Jamie continued after the man.

"Darlin?" Luke questioned, crouching down to meet her pained gaze. "Doncha try ta tell me it's nothin' this time," he warned as a pained howl erupted from the direction Jamie had trailed their man, followed by a terrified woman's scream.

"I-I'm…I'll be…f-fine…g-go help J-Jamie," Becca managed through gasped breaths. "W-we have t-ta get this g-guy ton-night…it's our l-last c-chance for a m-month…g-go!" she added when Luke hesitated.

Becca watched as Luke raced away after Jamie and the werewolf. When he was out of sight she slumped to the ground, clutching her chest as her heart continued to constrict painfully. She made a conscious effort to breath as her vision blurred and she struggled to stay conscious. This wasn't normal, her heart wasn't supposed to do this, not anymore. The pain eased slightly in her chest and she willed her body to relax as she took a few shaky breaths.

Slowly, she rolled onto her knees, pausing a moment to catch her breath again, before making a move to stand. After a few breaths she pushed up shakily to her feet, swaying as she blinked several times in an attempt to clear her vision. Still unsteady on her feet, she took a faltering step toward a nearby tree, needing the support it offered. Exhausted by just these few steps, Becca leaned heavily against the tree, barely noticing its jagged bark as is dug into her arm.

Just as she thought she'd caught her breath and began to stand a little straighter, her heart was wracked with another painful contraction. Becca felt her knees buckle and tried to blink away the spots blurring her vision as she fought to take a breath. As she slid down the side of the tree trunk, she tried to take solace in the pained howl coming from the direction Luke and Jamie had taken, knowing it meant that they'd killed the werewolf and the world was a little safer now for it. She heard Luke cry out her name moments later, but he sounded far away as the darkness crept in around her.

"Becca!" Luke cried out as he spotted her slumped against a tree near where he'd left her. His heart leapt into his throat when she didn't respond, didn't even move. "C'mon darlin' open those beautiful eyes," he whispered, falling to his knees beside her. When she still didn't respond his panic amplified. He gently lifted her chin from where it lolled against her chest. "Becs?"

Nervously, Jamie crouched beside his fallen friend. He gingerly brought his finger to Becca's neck, checking for a pulse. "H-her pulse is weak," Jamie breathed, his worried eyes meeting Luke's.

"Becs…c'mon baby…d-don't do this," Luke breathed, cupping her face in his hands, he tenderly kissed her lips. "W-we need you…I-I n-need you."

"T-tired," came Becca's breathy whisper.

"I-I know darlin'…b-but you gotta st-stay with me," Luke stammered, as a small smile crept to Becca's lips. "I-I l-love—"

"N-no…d-don't," interrupted Becca's pained whisper, any traces of a smile erased. "J-Jax…d-don't…" Becca's eyes fluttered but didn't open. "

W-who's Jax?"

"S-sunsh-shine," she murmured softly. Luke looked questioningly at Jamie, but Jamie looked just as lost as he did. "H-hurts," Becca moaned as her hand flew to her heart. "C-can't…br-brea—" her words were punctuated by gasping breaths before cutting off abruptly as her back arched.

"Becs! No, Becs! C'mon now darlin' breath for me!" Luke scooped Becca up into his arms and carried her quickly to the car. "Jamie, you drive…w-we gotta get her to the hospital," he called over his shoulder. Tears burned his eyes as Becca's head lolled against his chest as her body went limp in his arms. "Please baby, hang on." He slid into the backseat of his electric blue Camaro and handed the keys to Jamie as the younger member leaned in to close the door. Luke was faintly reassured when he heard Becca moan softly, realizing she was breathing again, for the moment.

"W-where's the nearest hospital?" Jamie asked, trying to mask the obvious fear in his voice as he turned the key in the ignition and the car roared to life.

"J-just head towards Charlotte," Luke instructed from the backseat, holding tightly to Becca as she began to gasp again. "I-I'm sure I s-saw a sign on our way inta town." Luke struggled to keep his emotions in check as he watched the woman he loved fight for breath. He wished he could give her CPR but there was no room and he refused to waste time stopping, when he was sure the hospital was so close.

Within five minutes, they were pulling up at the emergency doors of a hospital on the outskirts of Charlotte. Jamie flew out of the car and rushed to open the back door for Luke, before rushing ahead into the ER leaving the car behind him with the doors flung wide open. "WE NEED SOME HELP!" he shouted as Luke rushed up behind him with Becca's wilting form.

"Please, s-she's not b-breathing," Luke managed as a doctor and two nurses rushed toward them with a gurney. He gently eased Becca onto the bed and watched as the doctor and one of the nurses rushed toward the nearest room, while the second nurse stayed behind and began asking Luke and Jamie questions.

"Sir, I need you to tell me what happened," the nurse prompted as Luke stared after Becca.

"No breath sounds!" he heard the doctor call. "Commencing, CPR."

"Sir, please, it'll be easier to help your friend if we know what happened," the nurse insisted, placing a comforting hand on Luke's shoulder.

"I-I don't know…s-she was having a h-hard time c-catchin' her breath—"

"Was she engaged in physical activity at the time?" The nurse cut in.

"W-we were j-jogging in the w-woods," Jamie explained when Luke's attention was pulled back to the commotion now taking place around Becca.

"Charging paddles to 250," someone called, just before they were placed on Becca's, now unclothed, chest. He watched as Becca's back arched off the gurney, before falling limply back down.

"S-she had a pain in her chest, but she…she said she was f-fine…told us ta continue," Jamie continued to explain when Luke failed to jump in.

"She's flat lining!" A voice called and Jamie rushed to lace an arm around Luke's waist as his friend's knees buckled.

Jamie quickly eased his friend into the nearest seat as he continued to give the non-supernatural version of what had happened to Becca.

"When we came back around…w-we found her slumped against a tree, gasping for breath."

"She said her heart hurt," Luke murmured as he remembered how her hand had flown to her heart as she'd said it hurt.

"Does your friend have any heart problems?"

"I-I don't know," Jamie replied, looking to Luke because he knew Becca better than any other member.

"S-she has a s-scar…o-on her ch-chest," Luke replied, his hand trailing across his own chest demonstrating where he knew Becca's scar lay. "I-I don't kn-know what it's f-from she never…" his voice trailed off as he helplessly watched the doctor start to shock Becca again. Tears trailed unchecked down his cheeks as a sob erupted from his lips.

"Thank you, I'll need you to fill out some paperwork after," the nurse stated softly as she patted Jamie's shoulder and hurried off to give the little information she'd been able to glean from the two men to Becca's doctor.

"She'll be all right," Jamie assured, taking the seat next to his friend. "Becca's the strongest person I know." Luke looked up at his friend with sad smile, his eyes still filled with tears and nodded.

"I-I know…s-she is…s-she j-just h-has ta be okay," Luke breathed, forcing back a sob. Jamie squeezed Luke's shoulder in a reassuring gesture as he stood again.

"I'd better go move the car…an' I-I'm gonna go call the others…let them know w-what h-happened…and t-that we k-killed the w-werewolf," Jamie mumbled, no longer feeling the triumph he'd felt when he'd shot the beast. Luke nodded absently to acknowledge his companion's departure as he continued to stare into the ER.

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"No…she has to be okay," Sam murmured as he slept in the passenger seat of the Impala. "She can't die…don't let her die!" he called out, causing Jax to send a worried glance his friend's way.

Jax reached out and gently shook Sam worried he might startle Sam awake and that could definitely have some bad consequences. "Sam," he called softly, trying to rouse his friend from what seemed to be a nightmare. "S'ok, man it's just a dream."

Sam's eyes snapped open and his bewildered gaze flitted around the Impala's interior as he remembered where he was. The dream had been so vivid and he could still feel Luke's pain as though it were his own. "J-Jax?" his voice was a hoarse whisper as his gaze came to rest on his driving companion. "I-is it my turn ta drive?"

"Nah, I still got about an hour," Jax assured, thoroughly enjoying his time behind the Impala's wheel. He wondered, momentarily, what Dean would say if he saw him, driving his old car, but pushed that thought to the back of his mind. "Sounded like you were havin' one hellova nightmare there, buddy," Jax proclaimed with a lopsided grin. "Everything okay?"

Sam sighed as he replayed the dream in his mind. "I-It was just so vivid," he mumbled, without meeting Jax's quizzical gaze.

"What was it about?"

"There w-was this g-girl, Bec—"

"Y-you had a dream about B-becca?"

"It's probably not YOUR Becca," Sam argued. There was no reason to tell Jax about his past premonitions; he hadn't had one in over a year. The logical explanation was the power of suggestion. Sam knew Jax's friend, Becca, was in trouble and his subconscious mind had used that fact on which to base his dream. "Just my subconscious playing tricks, man."

"W-what'd she look like?" Jax pressed, apparently not sharing Sam's view on the subject. Jax refused to leave anything to chance. If Sam had a dream about Becca it could be important.

"Dude, seriously."

"Jus' humor me, would ya," Jax insisted. Heaving a heavy sigh, Sam closed his eyes and concentrated on his dream Becca's face.

"S-she had bright red hair," Sam mumbled, feeling the car jerk to the side as he heard Jax's short intake of breath. Opening his eyes, Sam saw Jax clutching tightly to the steering wheel as his gaze darted from the road ahead to Sam and back again. "B-but I think you'd told me that you called her, Red." Sam reasoned again. He watched as Jax's grip relaxed slightly on the steering wheel as he considered Sam's logic.

"Okay, what color were her eyes?" Jax asked, glancing Sam's way again. "I'm sure I didn't tell ya that."

Again, Sam closed his eyes and pictured the girl as her gaze had met Luke's. He hadn't noticed it earlier, but her eyes were two different colors. "O-one brown, o-one b-blue," he replied hesitantly, starting to believe that Jax might be right, that this had been more than just a dream his subconscious had created from random facts in his mind. The car jerked again and Sam's eyes snapped open as he gripped the dashboard.

"Y-you saw her dyin', didn't ya?" Jax demanded as he quickly returned his attention to the road. He swerved back into the right lane, barely missing an oncoming car. "I-I heard ya say d-don't let her die," he added when Sam hesitated to respond. "I-is she d-dead? Are w-we too later?"

"Look man, maybe you should pull over and lemme drive," Sam suggested, without answering Jax's questions.

Jax complied, pulling over to the shoulder and cutting the engine. He scrubbed his hand across his face, a movement so Deanlike that Sam's breath caught momentarily in his throat. "T-tell me," Jax whispered, his eyes glistening with unshed tears as his gaze met Sam's.

Sam's heart broke for the younger hunter as he replied, "I-it didn't look good," he confessed, watching an expression of utter defeat and despair color his friend's features. "S-she was in the hospital t-though…they were workin' on her w-when I woke up…I'm s-sure she'll be fine." Sam was trying to sound reassuring, but his words seemed hollow even to him as his hand came to rest on the passenger door handle of the Impala. "C-mon it's my turn ta drive." With that he opened the door and it gave its familiar creaked as it swung open and he got out of the car.

Jax didn't move as Sam circled the back of the car to the driver's side door. Sam sighed as he opened the door, wishing there were something he could say to reassure his friend, but knowing there was nothing. He waited as Jax disembarked from the car; his shoulders slumped in defeat as he realized he'd lost another person he loved. "S-she can't d-die Sam…s-she just can't." Jax slowly circumnavigated the front of the car and slumped into the passenger seat, quietly pulling the door closed as Sam slid into the driver's seat and adjusted the mirrors.

"You really love this girl, don't ya?" Sam asked, leaving the second part of the question unspoken. If Jax loved this girl so deeply, why wasn't he with her? Jax nodded, gazing out the passenger window as Sam started the Impala and pulled back onto the road. "Didn't figure ya for a 'One true love' kinda guy," Sam pressed, knowing it would do his friend no good to spend hundreds of miles worrying about something, over which, he had no control.

"It's a long story," Jax mumbled, his voice distant as he continued to stare out the window.

"Well, I got a few hundred miles."

"Ta understand why she means so much ta me...I-I gotta start at the beginnin'…I gotta start with my M-mom."

"Like I said man, I got nothin' but time," Sam encouraged, ticking his gaze to steal a look at Jax, unsure if his friend would 'share and care' as Dean liked to call it.

Taking a shaky breath, Jax began, "My earliest memory is of my mother cryin'. Don't know if it's real or made up but somehow it seems fittin'… Sometimes I wonder if she is still cryin'."

TBC

**End Notes:**

Let me know what you think! Reviews mean the world to me!


	2. Chapter 2

"My earliest memory is of my mother cryin'

"My earliest memory is of my mother cryin'. Don't know if it's real or made up but somehow it seems fittin'… Sometimes I wonder if she is still cryin'," Jax began, pausing to heave a weary sigh as he wondered if he really wanted to take this trip down memory lane. "Spent most of my childhood starin' at my reflection in the lenses of my mother's sunglasses. How sad is it that I can't remember the color of my own mother's eyes?" Jax looked over at Sam, noticing the furrow in his friends brow, the same furrow that appeared when Sam was thinking about Dean. "Oh man, Sam…I-I'm sorry," Jax stammered as he remembered something his uncle Jim had told him about Sam and Dean's mother. "Here I am complainin' 'bout not rememberin' my mom's eyes…an—"

"Don't worry about it Jax," Sam assured, a smile to his lips as he turned to his friend. "Sometimes I think Dean had it harder, I never really knew what I lost."

Jax thought about it for a moment, wondering if it would have hurt less if his mother had died before he'd known her. He wouldn't have really missed her if he'd never known her, right?

"Seriously, Jax, don't worry about it…keep going," Sam urged.

Jax took a deep breath before he continued, the last thing he really wanted to do was drudge up all these memories. He glanced over at Sam again, who smiled encouragingly at him. If there was anyone who could understand the pain and loss he'd endured, it was Sam, and maybe hearing this would somehow help Sam, too.

"I don't know when I realized that it wasn't normal ta be walkin' 'round with sunglasses on in the house or at night," Jax declared with a wry smile. "Probably 'round the same time I realized no one could be as clumsy as my mom pretended ta be. I mean, how do ya get a black eye fallin' down the stairs? Dunno how she quietly took whatever my dad dished out." Jax shook his head as he scrubbed his hand over his face.

"She did it to protect you and your brother."

"Yeah, I-I guess so." A sad smile played on Jax's lips as he thought of it that way; his mother had been protecting them. "You know we never even hear'em fightin' until me and Nick were about ten." Jax's smile faltered as he remembered the night when everything had changed, when the thinly veiled youthful naivety fell away and he and Nick had realized the truth about his mother's accidents. "Woke up one night, not even sure what woke me, but when I looked over at Nick I could see that whatever it was had woke him too. Could hear my father's muffled voice. He sounded angry, angrier than I'd ever heard, but I couldn't make out the words. I slid outta bed and crept to the door, motionin' fer Nick ta follow but he shook his head, his eyes round with fear at the sound of our father's raised voice."

Sam listened intently, as Jax recounted his childhood memory. He couldn't help but think that in some ways he and Dean had been lucky. Obsessed as their father had been about finding the demon that killed their mother, he'd never laid a hand on them. Sam glanced at Jax, seeing the far away look in his eyes as he spoke.

"I remember, I held my breath as I slowly opened my bedroom door, hopin' the hinges wouldn't give me away. I felt Nick slid up behind me as I crept to my parents' bedroom door. It was only open a crack, so we couldn't see what was happenin', but we could hear my mom cryin' and my dad tauntin' her.

'I'm tryin to make those boys into men, Lauren,' he was sayin'.

'B-but you're s-so mean t-to...' my mom sobbed as I gathered my courage and nudged the door open a little more. I heard Nick gasp as my breath caught in my throat at the sight of my mom cowerin' in the corner with my dad loomin' over her.

'It's a cruel world out there, they ain't always gonna have their Momma ta coddle'em,' my father spat. I flinched when he turned and backhanded my mom across the face. I could feel Nick shakin' behind me as he gripped the back of my shirt. 'Maybe I should wake'em up and show'em just how cruel,' my dad threatened.

'No! P-please Fr-frank…I...I promise…I-I won't c-coddle them anymore…I'll d-do it y-your way.' Anger like I've never felt welled inside me, hearin' my mom beggin' him like that, the fear in her voice as she added, 'J-just don't h-hurt them.'

"Course, that was the worst thing she could say ta him," Jax affirmed wryly, glancing over at Sam. Seeing the empathy etched onto Sam's face, instead of the horror he'd expected spurred Jax on. "Apparently, he didn't like it.

'Are ya tellin' me what ta do?' he growled, raisin' his hand ta hit my mom again. I felt my hands clenchin' at my sides as my anger turned to fury. I moved ta rush into the room, but Nick held me back. I turned, glarin' at my brother, the fear in his eyes feedin' my rage. I pulled away from Nick and went crashin' into the bedroom door as I rushed at my father.

'No Jax!' my mother cried out as I punched at my father with all my might. Heard the bones in my hand crack as my fist made contact with his jaw. Tears burned in my eyes as pain radiated through my hand and up my arm. My father chuckled coldly as he ruffled my hair. I looked up at him in disbelief, he was laughin'.

'Atta boy Jax!' he laughed, before he belted me across the face, sendin' me flyin' across the room. 'And you, cowerin' over there. Don't ya wanna defend yer Momma?' I heard him growl, my ears ringin' as he stepped over me, movin' toward Nick, who stood frozen in fear at the door. Heard my mom beggin' my dad not ta hurt Nick. Her voice sounded far away as darkness started ta creep up around me. I willed myself ta get up and protect my brother, but my body wouldn't cooperate.

'Ya see what yer coddlin does?' I heard my father yell as my body refused to move and the darkness won out, drownin' out my brother's pained cries…It was my fault that he'd left his bed…my fault…h-he was gettin' pummeled by my Dad...I shoulda—"

"Jax you were just a kid," Sam cut in, not wanting his friend to beat himself up over something that he had no control over, though he knew he would never convince Jax of that.

"S-still…I s-shoulda p-protected him," Jax insisted, his voice hitching as he thought of how his brother was gone, nothing more now than Lucifer's meat puppet.

Just as Sam was about to say something else, to argue that there was no way a ten-year-old could have fought off a grown man, his cell phone began to ring. He pulled the phone from his pocket, looking apologetically Jax's way.

"S'ok, g-go ahead an' answer," Jax said with a sad smile. "C-could use a little break." With that Jax turned to look out the window.

Sam hesitated as the phone continued to ring. He frowned as he glanced down at the caller ID, wondering who the unknown caller could be. "Hello?" He waited a moment for the person at the other end to respond, but there was nothing. "Hello?" he asked again, his aggravation building as he waited for the caller to respond. Jax gave him a questioning look, to which he shrugged in response. "Is anyone there?" he asked, though he could clearly make out the sounds of breathing at the other end. Suddenly, as he heard Jax's cell phone ring, a thought came to him. "Dean?" he asked his voice filled with hope. What if it was Dean? Could he be alive? In trouble somewhere? "Is that you? If it's you jus' answer me, please."

"Hello," Jax muttered into the phone not at all in the mood to talk with anyone. His trip down memory lane had left him feeling raw, and it was just the beginning. If he wanted Sam to understand why Becca meant so much to him, he still had a lot more painful memories to relive.

"Jax, it's Rowan. Where are you?" asked the one voice Jax hadn't expected to hear. He looked over at Sam, who looked engrossed in his own telephone conversation, wondering if he should bother responding, or just hang up on his failed protector.

"Headin' for North Carolina at the moment," Jax replied, lowering his voice.

"I need you to get your ass back here right now to give Dean back his amulet." Jax rolled his eyes at Rowan's gall. Why the hell should he rush back for Dean? Dean had clearly asked him to look out for Sam and that's what he was doing.

"Can't do that," Jax refused, lowering his voice even more as he looked over at Sam. He watched Sam stare down at his phone for a long moment, before slapping it shut and shoving it back into his pocket.

"He could die if you don't it get back here to me very soon," Rowan pressed, his tone letting Jax know that this was no joke. "So get your ass back here now." Jax almost laughed at Rowan's audacity. Did he really think Jax was going to take orders from him?

"Look, I'd like ta help ya, but…" Jax hesitated for a moment, glancing over at Sam whose brow was furrow the way it did when he was thinking about Dean again. What if this amulet really could save Dean? Would Sam ever be able to forgive him, if his brother died and there was something he could have done to prevent it? But Dean had Rowan, surely he could find another way to help him. He had to get to Becca. He had to save her. There was no one else who could help her, something in the way Lucifer had taunted him had Jax convinced of that. "I can't…there's someone in North Carolina who needs my help, so you're just gonna have ta figure out another way ta help him." Jax flipped the phone shut before Rowan could say anything else in an effort to persuade him to change his mind.

"W-who was that?" Sam asked, his voice sounding strained as he kept his gaze on the road. Jax looked more closely at his friend. Sam was clutching the steering wheel tightly and his jaw was firmly set, like he was fighting to keep his emotions in check.

"A-are you okay?" Jax asked, his brows pulling together with concern for his friend. "Ya look like you've seen a ghost," he added, noting the color had almost completely drained from his friend's face. "Look, maybe we should stop ta get a quick bite somewhere," he offered when his friend made no attempt to answer his questions, but continued to stare stoically ahead at the road. He waited another moment for Sam to respond and when he failed to, Jax added, "I'm gonna get some shut eye, you lemme know when you wanna stop…or when ya want me ta take over drivin' again." With that, Jax shifted in his seat, searching for a comfortable position as he tried to clear his mind of any thoughts that might keep him from getting his much needed rest.

Sam stared at the road ahead, avoiding Jax's gaze because he knew the younger hunter would immediately see the pain in his eyes and know this was about Dean. Then Jax would find some way to convince him that it couldn't possibly have been Dean on the phone. For now, even if it was just for a moment, Sam wanted to cling to the hope that his brother was alive, out there, somewhere. Though if that was true, Sam found himself wondering why Dean hadn't yet tried to seek him out. TBC


	3. Chapter 3

**_It Only Hurts to Breathe_**

**_by gengen0776_**

Thanks to everyone who is reading and to those reviewing! Glad you are enjoying my part in this series! And of course thanks to B for letting me write this!

**chapter 3**

Jax sighed, feeling more content than he could remember

Jax sighed, feeling more content than he could remember. Becca lay in his arms, her head resting against his chest, listening to his heart. "Your heart is talking to me," she whispered as her fingers traced their way playfully around his right nipple.

"Oh, yeah…what's it sayin'?" Jax asked, a grin playing on his lips as he gently caressed her bare shoulder.

"It's tellin' me how much you love me," she whispered.

"It would know," Jax smiled as Becca propped herself up on her elbow. When her eyes met his, they glistened with tears and he reached out to her. "What's wrong, Red?" he asked, the smile slipping from his lips.

"If you love me, why aren't you with me?" she demanded. Suddenly, she was across the room, far from the safety of his arms. "I needed you Jax, I needed you and you pushed me away…"

"I didn't want ya ta see me that way…I wanted ya ta have a better life than I could offer."

"Y-you promised you'd always be there…p-promised to protect m-me…but you promised N-Nick that too and l-look what that g-got him." She was gasping now, clutching her chest. "N-needed y-you…to p-protect m-me." She slid to her knees as he rushed toward her. "T-trusted y-you," she murmured as he pulled her into his arms. "L-loved..y-you." Her eyes grew wide and panicked as she gasped her last breath and wilted in his arms, her head lolling against Jax's chest as he pulled her close to him.

"Becca, d-don't do this…please…y-you can't d-die," Jax sobbed, hugging her lifeless body to him and willing her to start breathing again. "P-please R-Red…d-don't d-do this…s-stay with m-me."

"Jax?" He heard Sam's voice call, sounding far away.

"S-stay w-with m-me," Jax breathed. "P-please."

"Jax," Sam's voice called again, seeming closer now. "It's just a dream," Sam assured. "We'll save her." Jax could feel Sam's hand on his shoulder as the dream began to evaporate around him. Sam's hand remained on his shoulder a little longer than Jax would usually be comfortable with, but at the moment he took solace in the gesture. Sam really was the closest thing he had to family now and Jax felt a pang of guilt for not helping Dean. He just couldn't take the chance, Becca needed him and he couldn't let her down, not again.

"Hey, Sam I know we're friends an' all, but I'm not lookin' ta be that kinda friends," Jax smirked as he shrugged off Sam's hand. He wanted nothing more than to downplay the nightmare he'd just had, praying that's all it had been.

"Told ya at least a million times now, we are SO not friends." Sam rolled his eyes at him, but when their gazes met again, Jax could still see the concern in his friend's eyes.

"Whadya say we stop fer a quick bite before my next drivin' shift? Ya know before I pass out from starvation." Sam just shrugged, shaking his head at Jax as he turned off at the next exit, boasting 'the best truck stop in Albuquerque'.

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They settled into a booth, sitting opposite each other, and placed their order with a buxom blond waitress with a penchant for blowing bubbles and snapping her gum. When the waitress had walked away, Sam turned to Jax with those 'I feel your pain' puppy dog eyes and said, "You know Jax, there was no way ya could've stopped your dad from hurtin' Nick that night."

"I'll make a deal with ya, Sammy," Jax sighed. "When you're ready ta admit that Dean's death wasn't yer fault, maybe I'll agree with ya on that." _An' since Dean's not actually dead…I'll never have ta hold up my end of the deal, _Jax thought with a chuckle as he watched Sam get annoyed.

"Whatever," Sam sighed in exasperation. "So, things were different after that night?" he asked, not wanting to talk about Dean's deal or the strange phone call he'd received that afternoon.

"Yeah, my parents didn't bother ta be quiet after that night," Jax replied, happy Sam was letting it go for the moment. They both knew that there was nothing either of them could say to change the other's mind, so they'd have to agree to disagree. "Hell, they didn't even bother ta wait 'til we went ta bed after that." He looked up at Sam, who now wore his 'I'm here for you and I'm listening' look as he listened to Jax. "Saw my dad backhand my mom more times than I like ta count, not to mention that Nick became a target fer the old man's aggressions after that night." Jax played with his napkin as he spoke, his voice becoming distant again as his childhood memories enveloped him. "I-I tried ta stand up fer'em, ta protect Nick," he mumbled. "But all that did was earn me my own beatings…huh…and ya know what my dad would tell me?" he asked, looking up to meet Sam's puppy dog gaze. "Don't stick yer nose where it don't belong, boy. That's how ya git yer nose broken." Rubbing the bridge of his nose, Jax added, "an' just ta make his point, he did break it the first time he said it ta me." Jax gave Sam a wry smile as the waitress arrived at the table with their orders.

"Can I get you boys anythin' else?" she asked, snapping her gum as she grinned down at them. When they both declined she moved away, looking disappointed.

"Think she was hopin' you'd ask her fer her number, Sam."

"She was clearly undressing you with her eyes," Sam countered, with a forced grin.

"Course she was man, but that's how all women look at me," Jax replied with a wink, before taking an insanely large bite of his cheeseburger. Sam just shook his head as he bit into his club sandwich.

"So, how many times…did your dad break your nose?" Sam asked a few minutes later as they both picked at their French fries. Jax shook his head as he swallowed, before answering.

"Only once," Jax replied, pausing to take a drink of soda. "Too many questions at the hospital when ya hit in the face. So, he stuck ta body shots after that. Outta sight—"

"Out of mind," Sam chimed in, but Jax shook his head.

"Nah, with my dad it was just, outta sight, outta sight," Jax corrected with a cynical grin. "An' that's pretty much how things went until mine and Nick's thirteenth birthday…an' I told ya 'bout that already," Jax added, staring down at his plate.

"Jax, that wasn't your fault eith—"

"Hey Sammy, remember our deal from before? How 'bout we add that to it," Jax interrupted. "Besides, I heard my father yellin' at her the night before…yellin' 'bout somethin' she did fer me an' Nick," he added, looking Sam directly in the eye as if defying him to try to contradict him.

"Your dad h-he beat her for God knows how long, maybe your mom just couldn't deal with it any—"

"Ya don't understand…before that night…before she did whatever it was fer us…things were getting' better…h-he was gettin' better." Jax looked away again, focusing his attention on the paper placemat beneath his plate. "I mean, h-he had been n-nice to all of us…fer almost two weeks…w-we were like…like a real family…a n-normal family...and then…" Jax's gaze came up to meet Sam's again, his eyes glistening with unshed tears. "I-it was my fault…I-I saw the cake on the kitchen floor…I saw it…he didn't want her babyin' us and I begged her fer that damn cake…s-she made if fer me w-with g-green icin' just l-like I asked…" Jax's cell phone began to ring, but he ignored it. "S-she knew h-he didn't want her to…h-he told her again that night…told her ta throw away the ruined one an' not ta make another…b-but she did…an' she knew he was gonna be p-pissed…s-she knew…that's why she…s-she d-did it." Jax pulled his phone from his pocket with one hand as the other angrily wiped at the tears that had begun to trace their way down his cheeks. "Hello," he finally answered, trying to banish the tremor from his voice.

"Jax, it's D-Dean," came Dean's pained voice at the other end. Jax listened as his friend's older brother paused to draw a deep breath before he continued, "Jus' w-wanted to thank you for watchin' out for S-Sammy." Hearing his friend's name, Jax ticked his gaze up at Sam, realizing this was definitely not a call he could take in front of him.

"Umm...Can ya hold on for a sec?" he asked, giving Sam an apologetic smiled as Dean responded.

"Yeah, I'm n-not goin' anywhere."

Pulling the phone from his ear, Jax looked back at Sam. "I-I gotta take this in private," he apologized as he slid out of his seat.

"Sure, no problem," Sam replied. He assumed the caller might be Becca or, at the very least, have something to do with her, by the anxious look on Jax's face.

With a curt nod of his head and a forced smile, Jax hurried toward the bathrooms, leaving Sam to stare after him. Sam sat quietly for a long moment, digesting everything that Jax had told him. Though he couldn't agree with the younger hunter that his mother's death had been his fault, he was beginning to see why Jax believed it.

"Is yer friend okay?" The buxom blond waitress was back, looking down at Sam, her eyes wide with worry.

"H-he's fine," Sam assured. "Can we get the bill please?"

"Sure thing, sweetheart," the waitress replied, forcing a smile as she shot a glance back toward the bathrooms, before heading to the counter to add up their bill.

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Jax hurried to the bathroom, waiting until he'd breached its door before he returned to his phone call with Dean. "Dean, I know I took yer amulet, an' I'm really sorry about it, but I jus' can't come back ta Vegas right now."

"Not askin' y-ya to," Dean muttered. "Jus' w-wanted to…look, if I don't call ya back by Friday, I w-want ya ta tell Sammy somethin' for me, 'kay?"

"Dean, what's wrong?" Jax asked, concern for his friends brother coloring his voice. "I talked ta Rowan, an' he said if I didn't get the amulet back ta ya, you'd die. Is that true?" Talking to Rowan earlier, Jax had been sure the vampire had been exaggerating just to get him to turn around. But hearing Dean's strained voice, Jax now wasn't so sure.

"Naww…m'okay. Jus' a lil' t-tired."

"Ya sure?" Jax asked hesitantly, unsure whether the older hunter was putting on a strong front for his benefit. What if he really was dying? Would Sam ever forgive him if he knew he'd left his brother to die? If he knew Jax had had the means to save Dean but hadn't acted on them? Lucifer could have been lying, sending him on this chase to save Becca when really it was just to keep him away from Dean. "Look, I could make up some kind of excuse an' ask Sam ta turn around an' come back there if ya want."

"N-no…" Dean said with finality. "Still have a lil' under f-five months to g-go…if h-he comes back h-here now, I'll never make it."

Jax mulled over Dean's words for a moment, a question that had been plaguing him since their earlier meeting, rising to his lips. "Dean, I know I probably asked before, but if not, then why is it so damn important that ya stay away from Sam for six months?"

Jax waited a long moment for Dean to respond and was starting to wonder if the older man was still on the phone when he finally spoke. "W-went to the crossroads when m-my deal came due."

"Yeah, Sam told me all that," Jax interjected, he didn't want to seem rude, but it was only a matter of time before Sam came to check on him so he really didn't have time for the long version.

"Instead of a d-demon there to meet me," Dean paused, and again Jax worried the other man really was as bad off as Rowan had told him. He was about to say something, to ask where Dean was so that he could hightail it back to him, but Dean spoke again, his voice hesitant but strong. "Instead of a demon…an Archangel was there."

"So what does this have ta do with you and Sam?" Jax asked, ticking his gaze to the bathroom door, worried that Sam would walk in on his conversation.

"H-he offered me a chance to get my soul back free an' clear if I g-gave him six months of my life to protect a little boy named Joshua."

Jax's hand shot out to the wall beside him as his breath caught in his throat. "Joshua?" he breathed, suddenly filled with panic. Had Dean really just said Joshua? Was it just a coincidence that this little boy had his real name? "His name is Joshua?" he asked, his voice sounding strained.

"Yeah," Dean replied, sounding curious and Jax knew it was because of his reaction. "Do you know about him?" Jax considered his answer for a long moment, trying to calm his rapidly beating heart.

"No," he replied, hesitating a moment before continuing, "it's jus'…well, I never told this ta anyone before, but my name's Joshua…an' the night those demons broke into my home, Rowan told my mom ta change my name, an' move away. Course we never ended up movin', but she did have my name legally changed." He hesitated for another moment, trying to fight off the fear, growing inside him that he couldn't quite explain. "Think that's just a coincidence, Dean? I mean…there's a helluva lot of Joshua's in the world, but I'm thinkin' that not many of them can do the kinds of things I can do."

"Sure it's j-ju' a coincidence," Dean replied, but Jax still wasn't convinced. "But, as I w-was sayin'…Michael told me tha' if I let Sa-Sammy know I w-was alive within the s-six months while I was takin' care of Joshua, I would lose m-my soul an' go straight to Hell."

"You could've told me all of this before, Dean, so why are ya tellin' me now?" Jax asked, cringing at the accusatory tone his voice had taken. How could he expect him to keep this from Sam? How could he expect him to betray the only friend he had left? "Is what Rowan said true? Are ya dyin'?" he asked though he already knew the answer.

"N-not at the moment," Dean said, making an attempt at a joke, but failing miserably as he uttered a pain-filled groan that sent Jax's heart racing again. "J-ju's wanted ya to know…jus' in case…" As he listened to Dean's voice trail off, Jax pushed away from the wall and began to pace the length of the men's room.

"I'm gonna tell Sam we need ta turn around an' come—" Jax began decisively as he stepped toward the door, but Dean cut him short.

"No, d-don't you freakin' dare…I can't let Sam watch me die…I jus' can't. He's already suffered enough, an' I c-can't put him through that again."

Jax froze at with his hand on the door handle. He couldn't help but agree with Dean's words. Sam was already broken, he wasn't sure his friend would survive losing his brother again. Letting go of the handle, Jax began pacing again. "So why are ya tellin' me all this if ya don't want me ta bring Sam back there?"

"I dunno…g-guess cause you're the only one I could tell it to." A sad smile quirked at Jax's lips as he realized how hard this was on Dean too. Putting himself in the older hunter's place, he knew he would have done the same for Nick.

"Ya said ya wanted me ta tell him somethin'?"

"Yeah…" Dean paused a moment and Jax imagined he was trying to find the right words, the words that might help Sam to move on without him. "Tell him that I'm s-sorry for everything, an' that I n-never meant to hurt him."

"Dean?" Jax called as the line went dead. "Dammit!" He angrily slammed his phone shut, before stalking over to the bathroom sink. _That's his last words to his brother? Damn, like that's gonna give Sam the will ta go on!_ But then Jax doubted that he would have been much more eloquent. Turning on the cold water, Jax pocketed his cell phone, before running his hand under the water until his fingertips began to feel a little numb. He splashed some water on his face and turned off the water as he tore a paper towel from the dispenser. He quickly dried his face and wadded the paper, tossing it into the garbage as he pulled open the door and made his way back to Sam.

Sam was standing next to their table, ready to go, when he got there and Jax was glad. He needed some air, between his waltz down memory lane and Dean's phone call he was feeling overwhelmed.

"Ready ta go?" Sam asked, grabbing his coat from the bench seat and hitching his thumb over his shoulder. "'Cause we've still got a long way ta go," he added, holding Jax's gaze for a long moment as though trying to gauge his friend's state of mind. "I could drive for a little longer if ya want," Sam offered, but Jax shook his head.

"Naw, it's cool," he replied, plastering a grin on his face as he forced thoughts of his telephone conversation with Dean from his mind. _He said if he hadn't called me back by Friday, so I'm not gonna worry about it until then._ Jax almost laughed at that thought as he added, "Besides, I could use the distraction."

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Luke sat alone in the waiting room. His hands steepled beneath his chin and his eyes closed, he silently prayed. _God, please don't let her die…she's a good woman…you can't let her die…please God._

"We've got a pulse!" someone called and Luke felt his heart soar as he opened his eyes to see the nurse had stopped pumping air into Becca's lungs. "Normal breath sounds…we've got her back!"

**End Notes:**

As always reviews are golden! Please let me know what you think and thanks for reading!


	4. Chapter 4

It Only Hurts to Breathe

_**It Only Hurts to Breathe**_

_**By: gengen0776**_

**Chapter notes:**

So, chapter 4! Hope everyone is enjoying! Thanks to everyone reading and those taking time to review! And as always, special thanks to B for trusting me with her boy Jax!

**Chapter 4**

"Lochlan," Jamie greeted as the elder Brethren member answered the phone. "It's Jamie-"

"'Bout time you guys check in," Lochlan groused. "Was the target terminated?" Jamie rolled his eyes at the older hunter's need for theatrics. Lochlan had a tendency toward paranoia and was always sure the government was monitoring them.

"Yeah, you need to send a crew to clean up, we-"

"Clean up is part of the hunt, you know that Jamie-O," Lochlan cut in, in a patronizing tone that made Jamie want to punch the man. "Why did Becca break a nail and Luke's too busy consolin' her?" He added sarcastically.

"Listen," Jamie spat, raking his hands through his wavy brown hair as he tried to reign in his building anger. "Becca's in the hospital. She collapsed an' stopped breathin'," He paused a moment to allow the words to sink in. Hearing Lochlan's abrupt intake of breath, Jamie continued before the other man had a chance to respond. "They're workin' on her now. Luke's not leavin' her side an' I'm not leavin' his. So, ya think you could organize that clean up?"

"S-sure...keep us posted on Becca," Lochlan replied all traces of sarcasm draining from his voice. "Someone should call Rowan...He's not gonna be happy."

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After hanging up with Lochlan, Jamie headed back to the emergency waiting room to see if there was any news on Becca before he made the dreaded call to Rowan. Everyone knew that Rowan held Becca in high esteem. Not only was she Joshua's first guardian, and the youngest caring for him when she was only sixteen, but she was the only female Brethren member. Her gender earned her the respect of many members. Yet, others, like Lochlan, believed that Rowan showed her preferential treatment because she was a woman. _She would totally kick Lochlan's ass if she heard him make that broken nail comment._ Jamie thought with a chuckle as he approached Luke, who still sat where he'd left him, his head bowed over steepled hands in prayer.

Jamie shook his head as he took the seat next to his friend. Even now, when Luke's faith should be severely tested, he sat there praying. When he thought about it, Jamie was pretty sure if he were in his friend's place, he'd be cursing God, not praying to him. But Luke had his faith, he always had and Jamie figured nothing could ever change that, except...

"We've got a pulse!" someone called. "Normal breath sounds...we've got her back!"

Jamie could feel the relief, rolling off his friend as he released a breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding. Jamie knew Becca was Luke's heart. If he lost Becca, Jamie wasn't sure Luke's faith would survive. If Luke lost Becca, Jamie wasn't actually sure Luke would survive.

"I should call Rowan," Jamie said, patting Luke's shoulder as he stood. Luke nodded his agreement, without taking his eyes off Becca. "I'll be back in a few."

Jamie made his way back to the small alcove of telephones near the entrance and pulled his cell phone from his pocket. He quickly scrolled down to Rowan's number and took a deep breath, before pushing send. Jamie knew Rowan was going to be angry and steeled himself for his reaction to the news Jamie had to deliver. He just hoped Rowan wouldn't shoot the messenger.

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They'd been driving for a little while, when Sam broke the silence. His mind was working overtime, trying to decide what the call he'd received that afternoon meant. Could it have been Dean? If it was why hadn't he spoken? Was he in trouble? He considered mentioning it to Jax, but then thought better of it. Jax would be the voice of reason reminding him that his brother was gone and that he had to stop looking for him in every muscle car and wrong number.

So, Sam pushed aside his musings about Dean, or the possibility of Dean and decided to focus on Jax. He wanted to know what would make Jax, who up until now was all about finding his little brother, pack up and race back to his hometown. He could tell Becca was important to Jax. Yet he'd never once mentioned her, before rushing into the motel room and telling Sam they had to go.

"So, after your mom died...things got...worse?" Sam prodded hesitantly. He wasn't sure that forcing Jax to relive his childhood memories so that he could be distracted was such a great thing for a friend to do. _Not his friend_, he reminded himself as he waited for Jax to respond.

Jax ticked his gaze over to Sam, who'd been silent up until then, and gave him a wry smile. "You could say that." He turned his attention back to the road as he thought back to the aftermath of his mother's death. "I don't really remember funeral...except that Uncle Jim offered to take me and Nick for the summer...but my dad refused. He told Jim 'I won't have ya softenin' these boys with all that religious crap you'll push on them'." Jax gave a wry laugh as he looked over at Sam. "'Course, he changed his mind after I slit my wrist...guess he figured the fear of God would keep me from doin' that again." Jax was silent for a long time after that, staring out at the road ahead of him, without looking Sam's way.

Sam sat, staring down at the scar on his wrist. He remembered, that day in the hospital, when Jax had shown him the scar he kept hidden under the thick black leather bracelet he wore. Jax had told him about his mother's death. He'd told Sam how his father had told him it was his fault. Sam wondered how any father could be so cruel. He couldn't believe Jax's father would let him think it, let alone tell him he was the cause of his mother's death.

"After my mom was gone, things got so much worse fer Nick," Jax breathed finally, looking over at Sam to see if he was still listening. "My dad picked on everything he did...constantly tellin' him he was worthless and weak." Jax continued, returning his gaze to the road. "An' when I tried ta defend him...it jus' gave my dad more ammunition ta back what he was sayin'...'cause lil' Nicky needed his big brother ta protect him...So, I did everything I could ta help my brother become the person my father wanted...but it was never enough...

"I sat back and watched as my father, methodically, broke down my brother's self-esteem. I think my dad realized that the easiest way ta torture me was ta torture Nick an' have me watch, knowin' there wasn't a thing I could do to prevent it."

"Jax, you were just a k-"

"Just a kid?" Jax interrupted. "Is that what you were gonna say?" He waited until Sam nodded, before continuing, "well kid or not, I was weak. One night, about a month and a half after my mom died, my dad stumbled in just as I was finishing the dishes. Before I could sneak my way out of the kitchen, his large frame was blockin' the doorway and glowerin' down at me." Jax paused, taking a shaky breath as he continued and Sam could see how hard this was for the younger man.

"What happened? D-did he hurt your brother?"

Jax chuckled at Sam's question, but it was hollow and lacked the usual mirth his laughter held. "Nah, I could probably have lived with that...like you said I was just a kid...No I hurt my brother that night...I hurt him more than my father ever could," Jax added cryptically.

This was obviously a hard memory for Jax to relive. So, Sam waited out the silence this time as Jax collected his thoughts.

"It was new territory for me ta be alone with my father. I mean I had no idea what he would do without Nick ta pick on. So, when he asked me why Nick was in bed, instead of helpin' me...I-I jus' said what I thought he wanted ta hear...I mean no harm in tellin' him 'No use havin' Nick do the dishes, I'll jus' have ta wash'em again', right?" Jax asked, glancing over at Sam, before he continued.

Sam knew Jax's question had been rhetorical, that somehow it hadn't been so harmless. "Nick heard you," Sam whispered, seeing how Jax would feel this was an unthinkable betrayal of his brother. He could tell from the pained look in Jax's eyes that he was still unwilling to forgive himself this moment of weakness at the expense of his brother.

Jax nodded as he returned his gaze to the dark stretch of highway. "I'll never forget the pain I saw in my brother's eyes and of course my dad only made it worse. 'See Nick, even Jax knows yer useless,' he said ta my brother when he noticed him standin' beside him."

"Jax-"

"Please, Sam...D-don't try ta tell me it w-wasn't my fault," Jax pleaded, knowing it was in his friend's nature to try. "I could've said a hundred other things...I could have said that Nick was tired...I could've said that he'd done the first half while I got changed fer bed...but I didn't...I didn't."

Jax was silent again, lost in his guilt. Guilt was something Sam could understand, it was almost like it was part of the Winchester genetic make up. John felt guilty for not being able to save his wife. Dean felt guilty that his father had struck a deal to bring him back from the brink of death. And now, Sam felt guilty that Dean had sold his sold his soul to save him.

"N-Nick wouldn't talk ta me fer days...I-I tried ta explain that I hadn't meant it, but my father only made it worse. He used every opportunity he could to remind Nick of what I'd said. He added the words 'isn't that right Jax' to the end of every berating comment he made to my brother. When I didn't respond he'd say 'No use denyin' it boy, yer brother heard ya say it himself'. It was worse than any other torture my father could have inflicted on Nick...I woulda sat through a hundred beatings instead of watchin' the pain it caused my brother to think that I thought he was worthless."

Jax pulled the car over to the side of the road as the tears burning his eyes began to blur his vision. Cutting the engine, Jax pressed his forehead against the steering wheel as his tears began to roll down his cheeks. _I can't believe I'm frickin cryin'._ But the pain he was drudging up with this memory combined with the knowledge that his brother was lost to him forever was just too much for him to bear at that moment. _I'm so damn sorry, Nick...I failed you again._

Sam sat quietly in the passenger's seat trying to respect the younger hunter's privacy. Part of him wanted to touch Jax's shoulder, to try to comfort him, but he knew that Jax would take that as a gesture of friendship and Sam was desperately trying to remain as distant as he could from the other man. It wasn't that he didn't like Jax, the guy was likable enough, but he just couldn't bring himself to let someone get that close to him again. He just couldn't take the loss of yet another friend to the darkness that seemed to surround him. But most of all, he couldn't take the risk that letting Jax in might ease the pain of losing Dean. He didn't want it to get easier without his brother. It would be an insult to Dean's memory and to what he'd done for him if things got easier for Sam. So, Sam sat there in respectful silence as Jax collected himself.

Jax heaved a weary sigh as he lifted his head from the steering wheel and wiped away the tears from his cheeks. He took another breath, long and slow, as he smoothed back his unruly blond curls and turned to look at Sam. "Finally, one night after almost two weeks of tryin' ta earn my brother's trust back, only ta have my ol' man sabotage it fer me at every turn, I gave up. My father had left right after supper and Nick had gone to bed, refusin' ta speak ta me except ta throw my words back in my face when I asked him ta help me clean up after dinner. 'Why bother, you'll just have ta redo whatever I help with. I'm useless, right?'

"I tried ta apologize, to explain that I'd been afraid and had said it without thinkin', but he wasn't hearin' it. He jus' walked away; slammin' the door ta our bedroom an' leavin' me with no one ta talk to. You know what I did after that?" Jax paused to look at Sam, who simply shook his head. "I sat there on the kitchen floor and cried...I don't know how long, but finally, there just weren't any more tears. So, I sat there starin' numbly inta space. I caught the glint of metal from the corner of my eye and looked up ta see a steak knife, sittin' forgotten on the counter. I reached up an' grabbed it, I'm not sure why. I sat there for a long time, turnin' the blade over and over in my hands. I pressed my thumb against the knife's edge and was surprised by it's sharpness as it cut through my skin with almost no pressure at all...It didn't even hurt. I...I remember, headin' to the bathroom in a daze. I just wanted ta get a bandage for my thumb an' then get back ta work cleanin' the kitchen before my father stumbled in."

Jax paused again, scrubbing his hand across his face much the way Dean would when he was upset. Sam was once again struck by the similarities between the two men. He knew, deep within his heart, that this was the true reason he kept Jax's friendship at bay. He was afraid. Afraid that because Jax reminded him so much of Dean that somehow Jax would come to replace his brother if Sam wasn't ever vigilant.

"I avoided my reflection as I opened the medicine cabinet's mirrored door ta get a bandage, but when I closed the door I came face ta face with myself. The boy who'd betrayed his brother ta save himself from harm. I quickly looked away from the heavily shadowed eyes that reflected back my guilt and cast my gaze down at my hands. It was then that I noticed the steak knife still held tightly in my hand."

Another weary sigh erupted from Jax's lips and Sam wondered if he should stop this. He wondered, if reliving these memories would end up doing more harm than good to the young hunter. This time he did place a hand on Jax's slumped shoulder, readying himself for the inevitable joke that would result from such a gesture, but none came. Instead, Jax looked over at him, forcing a smile of thanks at the comforting gesture and after another shaky breath he pulled back his shoulders and continued.

"I slumped onto the floor against the bath tub. I remember how cold it felt against my back. I sat there again, turnin' the knife over and over in my hands, studyin' the way the light caught the blade. I sat there, missin' my mother and wonderin' if it really was my fault she'd killed herself. Had my tryin' ta protect her made things worse, the way they were makin' things worse for Nick? Would things have been easier for her if I'd never been there ta begin with? I mean, my dad was always tellin' us that one of us wasn't supposed ta exist. That all through her pregnancy the doctors told my mom that she was carryin' a single child. I couldn't help but wonder if things would have been easier fer our family if one of us hadn't been born that Easter mornin'. Would things be better for Nick if I wasn't around?

"I mean it made sense ta me, in that moment, that my father might not be so hard on Nick if he wasn't tryin' ta torture me through him. The thought stilled my hands and I stared down at the knife clenched in my left hand, suddenly convinced that I'd found the solution." Jax gave another mirthless chuckle as he continued. "I took a deep breath an' turned over my right wrist. Slowly, I dug two vertical slits into the inside of my wrist. I was amazed how easily the knife slid through my skin an' how little it hurt...I sat there...watchin' the blood pourin' from the cuts, a feelin' of...I don't know how ta describe it except-"

"Peace," Sam interjected. Jax looked over at the older hunter, a look of understanding passing between them.

Jax nodded. "I just felt so relieved, so at peace," he added as he heaved another weary sigh. "Then you know what happened...Nick found me and he p-promised me...n-no matter what...h-he'd always b-be..." Jax's voice trailed off as he dropped his face in his hands and began to sob. A ghost of a memory called to him from the back of his mind, Lucifer's words ringing in his ears:

_"Huh," Lucifer chuckled mirthfully, "that's cause I never allowed you to love daddy dearest. Couldn't let you be happy . . . was tryin' to get you to kill yourself. Almost worked too, but Nick just had to stick his freakin' nose in where it didn't belong...An' then Nick had to go an' ruin it by killin' your dad. Couldn't very well use his body anymore with a bullet hole through his freakin heart. So what the hell was I supposed to do? Needed a body, an' Nick was more than willing to give me his."_

Jax was alone, Lucifer had seen to that, possessing his father, tormenting his mother, and then possessing his brother. _He probably killed Uncle Jim, too._ Jax thought, sadness enveloping him as he realized that all the people he loved would probably still be alive if it weren't for him. _There's no one left,_ he thought dejectedly. Sam's hand lightly squeezed his shoulder, in an 'I'm there for you gesture' and Jax was reminded that, though the other man refused to acknowledge it outwardly, he had a friend in Sam. Sam was the closest thing to a friend that Jax had had since..._Becca._

As her name echoed in his mind, Jax sat up a little straighter. He cleared his throat and wiped away his remaining tears. There was no time to wallow in what he'd lost, not when he still had so much left to lose. "Thanks, man," he smiled at Sam as he turned the key in the ignition and returned to the road. "D'ya mind if we just listen ta some music fer a while?"

"No problem," Sam replied, returning the younger man's smile as he reached for the radio and turned the dial, searching out a local rock station.

**End notes:**

Lucifer's dialogue in the flashback belongs totally to the awesome Bambers2 from Crucible Creed!

Thanks for reading and pleas keep those reviews coming! They totally make my day!


	5. Chapter 5

It Only Hurts to Breathe

_**It Only Hurts to Breathe**_

_**By: gengen0776**_

Ok wow chapter 5! This is way too much fun! I am really enjoying writing this and I hope you all are enjoying reading it just as much! Thanks again B for letting me play in your sandbox...with some of your "action figures" ;) !!!

**Chapter 5**

"This better be damn important, Jamie-O. Cause I swear to God, if ya tell me you're overdrawn again, an' need some money, I'll cut you off without a dime," Rowan's hoarse answered after several rings, sounding irritated.

Jamie rolled his eyes at Rowan's assumption that he was calling him for money. _Typical, ask a guy to bail ya out once and he never let's ya live it down._ "You know that only happened one time, Rowan," Jamie replied, his voice strained as he tried to keep his mounting frustration in check.

"Is something wrong with Collin?" _Typical_, Jamie thought again. If he wasn't calling for money, then he must be calling about Collin, what other reason would Jamie-O be calling? "Damn it, I told you to keep an eye on him. Made it perfectly clear that it was part of your job."

"It's not Collin," Jamie quickly assured. The last thing he wanted to hear was how much money Rowan was paying him to make sure his estranged son was safe. Not when they still didn't know what had happened to Becca and if she was going to be okay. "It's...it's Becca."

"What happened to her?" Rowan asked, his voice lowering considerably and Jamie could finally hear the concern in Rowan's voice that he felt his call warranted. "Is it her heart?"

The question sent a surge of panic through Jamie as he struggled to understand how Rowan could know what had happened. "How the hell did ya know?" Jamie demanded, raising his voice.

"Is she in the hospital?" Rowan asked, without answering Jamie's question. Then before Jamie could respond, he added, "Jus' a sec, Jamie-O. I have to check on something."

Jamie began to pace the length of the small alcove as he waited for Rowan to return. _What the hell is wrong with everyone tonight?_ Jamie thought, with mounting aggravation. _I call ya to tell ya that one of yer guardians is in trouble and you have ta check on somethin'?_ Jamie raked the fingers of his free hand through his wavy brown hair as he listened to the muffled sounds of Rowan, bickering with someone.

After a long moment, during which Jamie was beginning to think that Rowan had forgotten about him, Rowan's voice returned. "Look, Jamie-O-"the other man began, but Jamie cut him off.

"Damn, I didn't think you were ever coming back to the freakin' phone," he muttered, cutting Rowan off. Jamie couldn't believe that Rowan had left him, waiting like that, only to come back and give him the brush off.

"Jus' tell me what hospital Becca's at, so I can make arrangements for her." Jamie heard Rowan heave a weary sigh and wondered if it was because he was worried about Becca or simply annoyed to be bothered with it.

"She's at Presbyterian hospital."

"Alright, I'll give them a call. Jus' make sure that only people you or Luke know personally get in to see her. Got me?"

"Don't worry," Jamie assured, feeling a little better now that he knew Rowan would be taking care of things for Becca personally. "No one's gonna get past Luke. He's with her right now, an' I doubt he'll leave her side for even a second."

"Good," Rowan replied, pausing a moment before changing the subject. "How's Collin? You haven't noticed anyone following him at all, have you?"

"Nope, no one's been followin' him," Jamie assured. He sighed as he thought of Rowan's son and how he'd been paid by Rowan to befriend him. "You know, Rowan, it's just not right what you're makin' me do. I mean, he thinks we're jus' friends an' all. Actually freakin' called me his best damn friend the other day." Jamie remembered the guilt he'd felt when Collin had said that to him, knowing that if Rowan hadn't paid him to befriend his son there was no way they could ever have become friends. Yet, that wasn't to say that he hadn't grown to care for Collin like a real friend.

"Just do the damn job I'm payin' you to do cause if anything happens to my son, I'm comin' after you."

"An' what if he finds out yer payin' me to be his friend? What an I supposed to do then?" Jamie asked. It had begun to be less of a job to pretend to be the other young man's friend. One day, Jamie realized he actually liked Collin and would be his friend even if he weren't being paid to be. That's when he'd begun to worry about what would happen if Collin found out about his arrangement with Rowan.

"You're a perpetual liar, Jamie-O, do what you do best...con him into believing whatever you say," Rowan replied in a cold and callous manner. Though what Rowan said was true, Jamie was a damn good con artist, but the thought of lying to Collin, more than he already had, made his stomach churn. He knew if Collin ever found out that Rowan had paid him to befriend his son, that Collin would cut Jamie out if his life completely for the betrayal.

"Why me, Rowan?" Jamie asked, giving voice to the question that had been plaguing him since he'd been given the assignment. Taking a deep breath, he added, "Why can't Lochlan or Jay do it?"

"Cause I asked you. You're the same age as Collin an' you both have similar backgrounds so why shouldn't you be friends."

"Similar backgrounds," Jamie couldn't help, but let out a wry laugh at that thought. "So, Collin grew up on the streets, too? Funny he really doesn't seem the type. But I guess he must be hidin' it real well behind that I'm a rich boy who can afford whatever the hell I want exterior." Jamie flinched slightly at the contempt that laced his voice. He did like Collin; it was just that there was no real comparison between their backgrounds in Jamie's mind.

"Jus' keep an eye on him, Jamie-O," Rowan snapped. "An' I want you to call me if you have even the slightest feeling he's in danger. I'll be in North Carolina in about an hour. Have Lochlan go to the hospital to help watch over Becca, 'cause I want you at my penthouse suite when I get there. Understand?" Rowan's tone left no doubt that this was an order and not a request. Many of the Brethren members begrudged their benefactor's less than subtle orders. Jamie on the other hand, felt somewhat indebted to the man, who had taken him off the streets and offered him the opportunity to do something important with his life.

"Yeah, but Lochlan's not gonna like this," Jamie sighed, as grin played on his lips. Anything that made Lochlan unhappy was a plus for Jamie.

"I don't give a rat's ass what Lochlan likes or doesn't like, just as long as he's there when I go see Becca."

"Gotcha," Jamie replied curtly. He couldn't help but smile at Rowan's response. It was no secret that Rowan and Lochlan were just barely civil with each other. And then there was the issue of the hooker Lochlan charged as an expense, it was almost a matter of legend. The only problem with Rowan's plan was that Lochlan didn't take kindly to orders from the younger members. It was the older member's main issue with Becca, other than her being a woman, and now Rowan wanted Lochlan to watch over her. He was about to say something more, to make a joke at Lochlan's expense, but the line went dead. _Typical_, he thought as he pressed end and proceeded to scroll through the numbers on his telephone and called Lochlan back to let him know about the change of plans.

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As expected Lochlan was less than thrilled with the orders Jamie relayed to him, but since he already knew Rowan was on his way, he begrudgingly complied. Within an hour, Lochlan was there ready to take Jamie's place at Luke's side.

They were still in the waiting room of the ER, awaiting word on Becca. All they'd been told was that the doctors were running tests to find the cause of Becca's heart failure, but that had been almost two hours ago. Luke sat with his head again bowed in prayer as Jamie approached him.

"Luke, man, I've gotta go take care of something," Jamie breathed as he patted his friend's shoulder. Luke slowly looked up at Jamie worry etched in his brow. Nodding to let Jamie know he understood, Luke forced a smile to his lips as he patted Jamie's hand. "I'll be back as soon as I can," Jamie promised, giving Luke's shoulder a squeeze before forcing himself to leave his friend's side when he obviously needed him there. He tried to console himself with knowledge that Lochlan was there to support his friend, but as he looked over at Lochlan's irritable form, sitting a few seats away, he wasn't so sure.

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_Whoever said the shortest distance between two points was a straight line never had to drive across country during construction season,_ Jax thought, aggravatedly pounding the steering wheel and waking Sam.

"Where are we?" Sam asked, scrubbing the sleep from his eyes.

"Traffic hell," Jax grumbled, his hand motioning to the traffic that was crawling along a construction zone. "Somewhere, just outside Oklahoma city."

Sam looked at the time and calculated that Jax had been driving for almost six hours. "Jax, you were supposed to wake me two hours ago."

"Yeah, I know."

"Then why didn't you? I mean seriously Jax, we won't be any help to your friend if you fall aslee-"

"Look, I wasn't tired, you were still asleep, so, I kept driving, alright," Jax interrupted defensively. As the traffic came, yet again, to a standstill he cast a look in Sam's way. "I-I just don't think I can sl-sleep right now, okay?"

Sam looked up, nodding as he met Jax's gaze. Jax's haunted eyes stared back at him for a long moment, before glancing back at the road. "We should get off at the next exit, get some coffee and gas and see if we can't find a way around all this traffic hell," Sam suggested. Jax nodded, without taking his eyes off the road. "We're gonna save her, Jax. I promise." This time Jax glanced his way as he nodded, forcing a tight-lipped smile.

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"Okay, so if we head south on I-35 to I-240 and then go east until we're back on the I-40, we'll get around all this construction and actually save a bit of time," Sam declared, looking up from his laptop as Jax slid into the seat across from him.

"Th-that's good," Jax replied, absently rubbing his neck as he forced another tight-lipped smile Sam's way. "So, we finish up here and head back out," Jax added, before drinking down the last of his coffee and looking expectantly at Sam as he waited for him to do the same.

"Sure, no problem." Sam stared at the younger hunter as he slid his laptop into its sleeve. Dark smudges beneath Jax's eyes attested to his lack of sleep and Sam was worried that Jax would crash if he didn't sleep soon. "But I'm drivin'."

Jax nodded absently, handing Sam the keys as he stood. "I'll wait fer ya outside," he murmured as he move toward the door, without waiting for Sam to reply. Sam stared after him as he walked away. He noticed the younger man's usual swagger had been replaced by hunched shoulders and a much slower gait.

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"We'll be moving Miss Sinclair to a private room shortly," a nurse with short brown hair announced a few hours later. "Her cousin has left instructions that you both be allowed to stay with her at all times," she added looking down at the paperwork. "We don't usually allow visitors to remain past visiting hours, but as it is for Mr. St. Christen's cousin-"

"Of course, whatever Mr. St. Christen wants-" Lochlan sneered as a frown creased the nurse's brow, but Luke interrupted.

"Thank you," Luke breathed, forcing a sad smile. "We really do appreciat'it," he added, his slight Irish lilt more noticeable in his fatigued voice. The nurse's frown melted into a smile at Luke's words, nodding before she turned to walk away. "Would it kill ya ta be nice," Luke sighed, looking over at Lochlan.

"What?" Lochlan shrugged innocently as he added, "it's not like he ever got me a private room."

"Why are ya even here, Lochlan? It's not like ya actully care about Becca." Luke waited a moment, before answering for the older man. "Rowan must've ordered ya ta be here and yer still worryin' 'bout that hooker. Ya can't really afford ta disobey, can ya?"

In repy, Lochlan grumbled something about getting some coffee as he moved toward the vending machines on the other side of the waiting room.

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They drove in silence for a while, Jax staring out the passenger window as Sam drove. Jax was so quiet that at one point Sam was sure he'd finally fallen asleep. He was surprised when only moments later Jax turned to him, his tired eyes filled with sadness.

"I guess I should continue my story tellin' so that ya know what's goin' on when we get ta North Carolina," Jax offered, forcing a smile that didn't quite make it to his eyes. "I mean, it would probably help if ya understood why I'm rushin' ta Becca." Sam nodded, though his brow was furrowed with worry. It was starting to seem to Sam, that telling this story would lead to Jax's undoing. With each memory the Jax shared he seemed more and more to lose hope. As though reevaluating the hardships from his past and his inability to change them was beginning to convince the younger hunter that he wouldn't that his friend's fate was already decided.

"Jax, man, maybe you should get some rest first," Sam suggested, knowing it was an exercise in futility.

"Nah, I'm cool for now," Jax assured, making another failed attempt at a smile. "So, where was I? Oh yeah, dear old Dad showed up just in time to rush me to the hospital, where I stayed for three days under suicide watch.

"On the third day, my Dad brought me home. He barely spoke durin' the car ride home and we ate our TV dinner supper in tense silence. We were all waitin' for the other shoe ta drop.

'You'll be goin' ta yer Uncle Jim's fer the summer,' my father stated simply as we cleared the table. I nearly dropped my glass on the floor; I was so surprised by my Dad's words. 'Maybe he'll put the fear of God in ya and ya won't go doin' somethin' stupid like cuttin' yer wrists again,' he added coldly and I knew he was waitin' fer me ta deny the truth we all knew. 'Look at me when I'm talkin' to ya, boy,' he yelled when I didn't respond. A shiver worked its way down my spine when I met his gaze an' saw the hatred burnin' there. 'If it happens again, I won't be rushin' ya to the hospital...won't have them hospital people blamin' me for yer weakness, got that boy?' he added, his gaze borin' down on me." Pausing, Jax looked over at Sam and saw the disbelief etched on his face.

"I...I can't even imagine what it must be like to have your father look at ya that way," Sam mumbled. The image of his father's face when he'd been possessed surfaced in his mind, and suddenly he realized that he might understand a little. _But that was one moment, it's nothing compared to what Jax had to endure. Besides I knew Dad was possessed..._

"It was all I could do to remind myself that summer vacation was less than a month away," Jax admitted, his eyes glistening as he turned to look out the passenger window again. "Anyway," Jax sighed after a long pause. "Things were different after that. Apparently, my show of weakness convinced my father that Nick wasn't the weaker son after all...It was like Nick and I switched roles and I became the one who bore the brunt of my father's anger." Jax paused again, chuckling softly as he shook his head before adding, "I guess it was the solution ta getting' my Dad off Nick's back...at least for a while."

Sam was again struck by the similarities between Jax and Dean. Much like Dean, Jax was willing to put himself in harms way for his little brother. And much like Dean, Jax acted as though it were the most natural thing in the world. He couldn't help but admire the strength of character the younger man obviously didn't realize he possessed.

"So, I gladly took whatever my father dished out, knowin' as long as he was focused on me, he'd leave Nick alone...I could see Nick strugglin' between his relief at no longer bein' my dad's punchin' bag and his desire ta defend me...At night, after my dad passed out in bed, me and Nick would sit up and talk. Somehow, it always came back to the same conversation no matter how it started.

'I wish I were stronger,' he'd say as we were layin' down to sleep.

To which I'd say 'you are strong', but he'd always shake his head.

'No, if I was, I wouldn't let him hurt you the way he does. I'd stand up for you, like you did for me,' he'd insist.

Of course, I'd remind him that if he defended me, he'd only make it worse.

'But, I promised I'd be there for ya an' I'm not,' he'd insist, but I'd remind him that he was there every night and that was all I needed. That usually reassured him...at least until the next night or the next time my father laid into me, when he'd bring it up again." A smile played on Jax's lips as he added, "Nick just wouldn't let it go, wouldn't accept that older brothers protected their younger brothers, it's just the way things should be."

A sad smile crept to Sam's lips as he remembered how many times Dean had said the words 'because I'm your big brother and that's what big brother's do'. He looked over at Jax, who'd grown quiet, and noticed that the younger man had drifted off to sleep, noting the relaxed, almost content look, on Jax's face.

**End Notes:**

Ok another chapter in the bag! A little more insight into Jax...hope you enjoyed this! If you did, please take a sec to let me know! And if you didn't...what the hell tell me too! Just please tell me why...I really do appreciate constructive criticism...it's how we grow...Thanks again for reading!


	6. Chapter 6

_**It Only Hurts to Breathe**_

_**By: gengen0776**_

**Chapter notes:**

Alrighty then! Chapter 6! I'm glad everyone is enjoying this look into Jax's past! I know I'm enjoying writing it! Thanks for all the reviews they mean a lot so keep them coming! Again thanks to B for letting me play in her sandbox and with her awesome action figures! I am really enjoying this SO much!

**Chapter 6**

Thirty minutes later, Luke approached the private room Rowan had arranged for Becca to stay in with Lochlan in tow. He tried to prepare himself to see the woman he loved, lying there in the hospital bed. As he breached the doorway of her room, he felts his knees buckle beneath him at the sight of Becca hooked up to the various machines flanking the right side of her bed. He felt someone snake an arm beneath his in an offer of support and was surprised, when he looked up to see Lochlan's wide brown eyes, staring into the room in disbelief.

Lochlan guided Luke into the room, easing his fellow member in the chair that flanked the left side of Becca's bed. "I-I didn't realize..." his voice trailed off as he stared at Becca's still form, marveling at how fragile she looked. Lochlan had never seen Becca as fragile. Though he often gave her a hard time about being the only female member of the Brethren, he had a great deal of respect for the young woman, not that he would admit it to her or anyone else. Luke looked up at him, his eyes filled with sadness and fear and Lochlan's heart went out to him. He could only imagine what the younger man was feeling to see the woman he loved, lying in a hospital bed, hooked up to so many machines. "I'll be over there if ya need me," he affirmed softly, pointing to the empty chair against the wall across from the bed. Luke forced a smile and nodded his understanding, before returning his attention to Becca.

It wasn't long before a nurse came in to check on Becca, giving both men a sympathetic smile. "H-how's she d-doin'?" Luke managed, his voice sounding hoarse from disuse.

"She's stable," the nurse replied simply as she verified Becca's IV. "You'll have to wait for the doctor for more information on her condition," she added apologetically, when Luke stared expectantly up at her and with a tight-lipped smile she moved quietly out of the room.

"It must be pretty bad if we have to wait for the doctor," Lochlan mumbled, instantly regretting it when Luke looked his way. The younger man looked broken and Lochlan didn't want to consider how bad off Luke would be if Becca didn't pull through this.

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They were just outside Nashville when Jax finally awoke. Sam had been driving for almost eight hours and had stopped for coffee and gas twice while the younger hunter had slept.

"H-how long have I been sleepin'?" Jax yawned, scrubbing the sleep from his eyes as he pushed himself up in the passenger seat.

"A few hours," Sam replied evasively. "How'd ya sleep?"

"Bit of a kink in the neck." Jax smiled, massaging his neck as he glanced over at Sam. "So, where are we anyway?"

"Headin' into Nashville," Sam replied, nodding at the road sign that read _Nashville 10 miles._ "Figured we'd get something to eat and maybe a shower before we head out on the last leg." Jax nodded, absently staring out the passenger window. "So, your dad sent you and Nick to stay with Pastor Jim for the summer," Sam prompted after a moment, needing to hear someone else's voice after such a long silence. Jax turned his attention to Sam as he nodded.

"But like everything with my dad there was a hitch," Jax sighed, with a wry smile. School was over for two weeks and we were still at home with dear old dad. Me and Nick were going crazy waiting, but we were afraid that if we seemed too eager that my dad might change his mind.

"'Course one night, after dinner, Nick just couldn't hold back anymore. He asked my dad if we were still goin' ta Uncle Jim's an' he told Nick he changed his mind that we weren't goin'." Jax paused, a wry laugh falling from his lips as he stared out the window. "I don't know why I did it, why I didn't just let it go...I mean he was leavin' the kitchen which meant end of discussion...I just couldn't let him tear away our chance ta get away from him...not without and explanation...

'Why the hell not? You said we could go,' I demanded, takin' a step toward my father. Nick grabbed my arm...tried ta stop me, but I jerked free and took another step toward my father.

'Boy, you will show me respect in my house,' he yelled, but I wouldn't back down.

'Why should I? You don't show us any,' I answered, defiantly standing with my shoulders squared as I stared my father down.

"Before I knew what was happening, my father grabbed a fist full of my t-shirt and pulled me closer to him. He held me nose-ta-nose with him and I could smell the mix of alcohol and the spaghetti from dinner on his breath.

'You don't wanna defy me, boy. I'm warning you," he growled as he cast me aside and turned to leave.

"If I shoulda shut my mouth before, I really shoulda after that. But, I didn't. 'Whadya gonna do? Hit m-?' I never did finish my taunt, my father's fist launched out and connected with my jaw and I staggered back into nick before rightin' myself." Another sad chuckle erupted from Jax's lips as he continued. "I remember, I wiped my mouth with the back of my hand and stepped back ta where my father stood. 'Is that all you got?' I asked as he raised his hand ta hit me again, but Nick stepped in.

'Wait, w-wouldn't ya rather j-jus' g-get rid of us f-for the summer?" Nick reasoned, puttin' himself in harm's way, between me and my father. My father just stood there his gaze tickin' from me ta Nick and I was sure he was tryin' ta decide who ta hit first.

'Ya know what, boy?' he finally said with a grin as he reached over and ruffled Nick's hair. He didn't seem ta notice Nick flinch as he continued, 'yer right. Pack yer bags, we're leavin' first thing tomorrow mornin'' Then he just left us standin' there, completely shell shocked." Jax chuckled as he remembered how they'd been sure their father would change his mind again by morning, but he hadn't and they'd been allowed a summer's reprieve from their father's tyranny.

"That's why you had those bruises when we saw you," Sam interjected and Jax nodded. "W-we never knew...w-we just thought..." Sam's voice trailed off, neither him nor Dean would ever have considered the cause of Jax's bruises to be his father. They'd both simply discounted it as an injury Jax had incurred rough-housing with his brother or from a fight with another kid at school.

"Ya couldna known," Jax replied with a reassuring smile. "'Course the summer passed too fast an' we were soon back ta walkin' on eggshells, strugglin' not ta set off the tickin' time bomb that was my father," he added, his smile faltering. "Really, I think the only thing that kept us going was knowin' that the next summer my father would be shippin' us back ta Uncle Jim's."

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The sun was just beginning to peek through the blinds when Becca began to stir. Luke's heart soared and a smile crept to his lips as he saw her beautiful mismatched eyes flutter open. "Hey, Darlin' welcome back," he whispered as she stared back at him, her brow furrowed. _She doesn't remember me,_ he thought sadly as he noticed no hint of recognition in her gaze. _The doctor mentioned there might be some short term memory loss and confusion,_ he remembered, but it still didn't ease the pain that the woman he loved was looking at him as though he were a stranger. "It's me...it's Luke," he added, gently patting her hand. "Ya gave us quite a sc-scare," he whispered, a sad smile playing on his lips as he forced back the memories of watching the doctors work on her in the ER. Her eyes suddenly filled with panic as her hand flew up to the intubation tube in her mouth and the heart monitor began to beep erratically. "It's okay, they put the tube in ta help ya breathe...It's okay, darlin', I got ya, I'm here," he soothed, leaning in and gently caressing her face as he spoke. As the heart monitor slowly made it's way back to the steady beeping, Luke looked over at Lochlan, surprised to find the older man standing beside him again.

"I'll go find the doctor," Lochlan stated, before Luke could voice the request. Luke watched him disappear out the door, before turning back to Becca with as reassuring a smile as he could muster.

"He'll get the doctor and we'll see what we can do about getting them to take out that tube, okay darlin'?" he murmured, giving her a winsome smile. He heard her sigh wearily as she nodded at him, her eyelids drooping as he continued to caress her cheek in an effort to keep her calm.

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"The next summer we were barely out of school two days when my father ordered us ta pack up our things," Jax chuckled as he pushed the food around on his plate. They'd settled on a diner apty named 'the Honky Tonk' when they'd arrived in Nashville, deciding to get a bite to eat first before hitting the motel next door to shower and change.

"Sounds like your dad was anxious for the summer, too," Sam offered between bites, as Jax's gaze took on a far away look. Eying Jax's plate, Sam tried to remember if he'd seen the younger man actually take a bite of food.

"Huh? Yeah, he was..." Jax replied absently, pausing to take a sip of his black coffee. He stared down into the cup for a moment before he continued. "I was packin' our stuff into the car the first time I saw her," he murmured, a smile tugging on his lips. "She was sittin' on the curb, watchin' the movers carry a couch into the house next door. Her hair was so red...don't think I'd ever seen hair that color before...an' while I was lookin' at her, our eyes met...just fer a second...before she hurried into the house...she was so...beautiful," Jax sighed as he tore his gaze from his coffee cup, to look up at Sam. "I-I think I fell in love with her right then, ya know?"

Sam nodded, a smile playing on his lips. He knew exactly what Jax meant. It was the way he'd felt when he'd first seen Jessica in the library at Stanford. _What would I do without you?...Crash an' burn..._ Jessica's words echoed in Sam's mind and he realized how true that statement would have been had Dean not been there to help him pick up the pieces after her death. _But now Dean is gone..._ and Sam knew it was only a matter of time before he did indeed 'crash an' burn'.

"The whole car ride up to my Uncle Jim's and that whole summer, all I could think about was that red-headed girl. I mean I was actually anxious fer my dad ta pick us up at the end of the summer," Jax chuckled, pulling Sam from his forlorn thoughts. He was happy that Jax hadn't seemed to notice his momentary brooding. "When we got back, my dad took us school shopping and for haircuts like he did every year, Every year, me and Nick returned to school, looking like military cadets in our uniform-like school clothes and crew cuts.

"We were unloading the car when I saw her again. She was takin' out the garbage and waved at me as she headed back inta her house. I remember thinkin' that she was even more beautiful than I remembered. Her auburn hair was pulled back into a ponytail and she word cutoffs and a plain white t-shirt that set off her golden skin.

'Jax, you stay away from that girl, she ain't nothin' but trouble,' my father ordered when he caught me starin' at her.

"I barely got any sleep that night, I just lay there in bed thinkin' of the girl next door and wonderin' if she'd be goin' to the same school as me an' Nick." Sam couldn't help but smile as he pictured Jax lying in bed with the same grin that was now playing on his lips. Jax chuckled as he looked up and saw Sam's reaction. It was nice to see a smile on his friend's face, though it didn't quite erase the sadness residing in his eyes. "I was awake before my dad the next mornin'...showered and dressed and packin' our lunches when he dragged himself into the kitchen, gruntin' for coffee.

"I was really hopin' that this new and bigger school, I would be able to reinvent myself. That I could leave behind the scrawny kid everyone felt sorry for all covered in bruises and filled with lame excuses for how he got them." Jax unconsciously fingered the bracelet on his right wrist as he spoke. "So, my dad got us to school less than an hour later, plasterin' on his carin' father smile for all the teachers and parents ta see...but when they were outta earshot he said 'an straight home after school, ya hear?' in a tone that left no doubt about the consequences if we disobeyed." Jax paused to take another long sip of coffee, before motioning to the waitress, who quickly appeared with her coffee pot to pour him a refill. "Thanks," he said, giving the waitress a half grin. He waited for her to walk away before he continued, "they put me an' Nick in separate classes ta make it easier for the teachers ta tell us apart, so I walked Nick to his first class before hurrying off to my own.

"When I entered the class, I glanced around the classroom and my gaze came to rest on the familiar form of my auburn haired neighbor...She was sittin' in the back row. She had her hair loose and it fell into her face as she sat with her chin propped on her palm, reading a book that lay open on her desk. She wasn't dressed like most of the girls, ya know...she wore a loose tee and jeans and doc Martens," Jax paused, a grin still playing on his lips as he stared unseeing down at his coffee cup. "She was just...perfect," he sighed and he took another pull of his coffee as his gaze shifted to look out the window, his memory drifting to the first time he met Becca Sinclair.

_The group of girls sat at the front of the class, casting surreptitious glances his neighbor's way, before turning to gush something to each other. As Jax entered the room, the girls looked up at him and smiled. Jax forced a smile back before moving to the empty seat in front of the red-head. He noticed the whispering from the front of the room became feverish as he did, but he simply ignored it._

_"Umm...h-hi," Jax stammered, feeling his cheeks grow warm. His neighbor sighed, forcing a smile as she looked up from her book. When their eyes met, Jax's breath caught in his throat as he noticed she had one brown eye and one dark blue eye. He watched as recognition flashed in her eyes when she glanced up at him. "I-I'm umm...I-I'm Jax Callio."_

_The girl's forced smile became a true one that crinkled the skin beside her eyes. "Are ya sure?" she asked with a chuckle. Jax smiled, feeling his cheeks heat up and knowing they were now a deep shade of read. "I'm Becca Sinclair." Her hand shot out as she extended it for Jax to shake. Jax felt himself flinch at the abrupt movement and wondered if she'd noticed. Her smiled made him think that she hadn't or that she'd simply ignored it._

"An' she had this sarcastic sense of humor...ya know, it was just..."

"Perfect," Sam offered with a chuckle, watching Jax as he drifted within the memory of their first meeting. Jax sat there, his chin resting on his hand with his elbow propped up on the table, the same nostalgic smile adorning his lips.

"Uh huh."

_"You moved in next door to me," Jax offered as he pumped her hand._

_"Yeah, I saw you the day we were moving in," Becca replied, without offering any more information about herself. Jax didn't want to seem pushy, if she didn't want to tell him more then he wouldn't make her feel like she should._

_"Well," I'll....ummm...I'll let you read." Jax turned to face the front of the class, waiting for the teacher to enter the classroom._

_"Where'd ya go this summer?" Becca whispered from behind him._

_Jax turned back to look at her as she closed her book and focused her complete attention on me. He shrank back a little beneath her close scrutiny, having to remind himself that there were no bruises to hide that day. "I-I went ta visit my uncle."_

_"That's cool." She smiled again as she lightly touched his hand. "So, it's just you and your dad?"_

_"An' my brother, Nick." Jax watched as her brow furrowed, obviously trying to remember seeing someone else. "He's my twin. You probably thought we were the same person," he added with a smile, watching the understanding dawn on Becca's face._

_"That must be cool."_

_"It has its moments."_

_"What about your mom? Are your parents divorced?"_

_"She died," Jax replied, attempting to keep his voice from cracking as he spoke the words. It had been a long time since someone had asked about his mother. At his old school, everyone had known when she died and they mostly avoided bringing her up. He watched as her face filled with pity and she struggled to find a way to respond._

_"I-I'm so...I'm really sorry," she stammered as she struggled to hold my gaze. There was something in her eyes, something more than pity. It was almost as if she understood. "I...I can't imagine...I..." _

_Jax forced a smile in an attempt to reassure the girl he'd only just met. "It's okay, it was-"_

_"Good morning class. I'm Mr. Rogers. I will be your homeroom teacher this year," came the teacher's voice from the front of the class. With one last reassuring smile, Jax turned his attention to the teacher._

"Earth to Jax," Sam's voice called, pulling Jax back to the present. "Ready ta go?"

Jax looked around, feeling slightly dazed. He'd been so enveloped in his memory that he hadn't noticed his companion had long since finished eating as his plate sat before him looking barely touched. He considered asking the waitress to wrap up the food 'to go' but reconsidered. His stomach lurched as he worried about what could be happening to Becca as he sat there wasting time walking down memory lane. "Yeah, let's go," he replied finally, pulling the credit card Sam had given him from his wallet and handing to the waitress. "I got this one."

"Okay, Barney," Sam laughed as he slid out of the booth. He cast a worried glance down at Jax, when the younger hunter didn't react to his taunt about the name on the credit card Sam had given him. He'd been sure to at least get a glare, if not a chuckle, over the reference to the cardholder name Jax had been so set against using. "I'll go get us a room so we can get cleaned up and back out on the road," he added, his smile fading as he turned and headed for the door. He hoped the younger man understood that he wasn't upset that his gibe had failed to broker a reaction, but rather that the older hunter understood the urgency of the situation.


	7. Chapter 7

_**It Only Hurts to Breathe**_

_**By: gengen0776**_

**Chapter notes: So, chapter 7! Sam and Jax are almost there! Thanks to those reviewing and to those reading…special thanks to B for letting me play in her sandbox!**

_Chapter 7_

Becca's eyelids were drooping and her breathing had calmed when Lochlan returned with the doctor a few minutes later. Luke continued to gently thumb her cheek and whisper comforting words to the woman who still stared back at him with no recognition.

"Good morning Miss Sinclair, I'm ,Doctor Eldon" the doctor greeted, closely watching Becca'[s struggle to focus on him as unconsciousness beckoned her back into its midst. Heaving a sigh, Becca wearily touched her hand to the tube in her mouth and gave the doctor a meaningful look. "Yes, we're going to see if we can't remove that for you." The doctor smiled, moving to flank Luke on Becca's left as a nurse went around to her right. "First, we're going to check that you're breathing on your own," the doctor explained as the nurse turned off ventilator and unhooked the tube leading to Becca's mouth. After a moment the nurse nodded to the doctor who moved closer to Becca's left as Luke stepped out of the way.

Becca's eyes grew wide and panicked as Luke moved away and let go of her hand. Hearing the quicken beeping from the heart monitor, Luke quickly circled the doctor, placing himself out of the doctor's way as he once again took Becca's hand. "S'ok, Darlin' I'm right here," he whispered reassuringly, a small smile gracing his lips.

"Okay, we're going to take out the intubation tube now," Doctor Eldon informed with an encouraging smile when Becca's heart rate had once again returned to normal. "Now, this is very important, when I tell you to, I need you to take the deepest breath you can and then blow out very hard. Like you were blowing out the candles on the birthday cake," he explained. "Do you understand?" Becca gave the doctor a small nod of affirmation, before casting her apprehensive gaze to Luke.

"I'll be right here," Luke cooed, giving Becca's hand a gentle squeeze. "Right Doc?"

"Of course," the doctor replied with a warm smile. He looked to the nurse who stood across the bed noting that she'd prepared the suction equipment to remove any secretions as the doctor removed the tube. "Okay, now take that deep breath," Doctor Eldon instructed as he touched his hand to the intubation tube and prepared to pull it out. "Now blow it out." Becca did as directed, blowing hard against the tube and gagged as she felt it slide up her throat. "Okay, now another deep breath and we're done," the doctor smiled, noticing how tightly Becca held onto Luke's hand as the young man continued to whisper comforting words to her.

The frightened look had returned to her eyes, but she complied and took another deep breath and blew it out hard as the doctor had instructed. She gagged again as the tube slid out of her mouth, bile rising to the back of her mouth that the nurse quickly suctioned away, but its sour taste lingered. The doctor pulled his stethoscope from his neck and waited until Becca's coughing had halted before pressing its cold metal to her chest and listened to be sure there were no obstructions in her airways.

"Very good," the doctor declared as he replaced the stethoscope around his neck.

"Th-thirsty," Becca rasped, her hand flying to her throat as she spoke. "B-burns."

"Yes, of course. We'll get you some ice chips," the doctor assured, looking to the nurse who hurried out of the room to procure the ice chips. "And you should probably not try to talk for a little while, until the tenderness subsides," he added, looking to Luke as though to emphasize that point. "You should try to get some more rest, I'll be back to check on you in a little while." The doctor patted Becca's arm, giving her a caring smile before turning to leave as the nurse returned with the ice chips.

"If there's anything, just press the call button and someone will come," the nurse declared as she handed the cup to Luke and gathered up the suction equipment.

"Here ya go, Darlin'," Luke whispered as Lochlan returned to his perch on the chair across the room, watching the door. Becca greedily accepted the spoonful of ice chips that he scooped into her mouth and moaned softly as she relished their cold as they melted down her aching throat.

"M-more," she whispered when the chips had disappeared down her throat. "P-please." Luke chuckled as he scooped another spoonful into her mouth. As the cool water from the melted ice soother her aching throat, Becca found her eyelids growing heavy again and fought to stay awake. The caring and love she saw in Luke's eyes offered her comfort even though she still couldn't remember him and she didn't want to leave the safety of that gaze yet.

"S'ok Darlin', sleep," Luke breathed his hand on her cheek again, stroking it soothingly. "I'll be here when ya wake up," he promised with a teary smile. Between her fatigue, his calming words and his gentle touch, Becca finally gave in to the darkness that beckoned her back into unconsciousness.

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Jax entered the motel bathroom with a change of clothes and his shaving kit in his arms. He'd been surprised, though not too surprised, when Sam had offered him the first shower, making an excuse about needing to check the oil in the Impala. Jax set down his clothes on the edge of the sink and moved to the shower, turning hot water tap to the end. He then stepped back to the sink and hesitantly looked up at his reflection in the mirror as he waited for the water to heat up. Seeing the tired young man with pain-filled eyes staring back at him, he looked away and he began to undress. After sliding off his grubby jeans and noticing the muddy looking dried blood stains on their front, knowing at least some of that blood was Rowan's, he gingerly pulled off his tee-shirt. His arm was still sore from where Lucifer had impaled it that night in the graveyard, that seemed so long ago now, and his chest still ached a little from Lucifer's later attack. He cast the shirt aside as the bathroom filled with steam from the shower. Stepping closer to the shower, wearing only a pair of gray boxer briefs now, he ran a hand under the scalding water, before he turned the knob off half way and added some cold water to the mix.

He would rathered have taken a shower in the scalding water, but he didn't want to use up all the hot water as Sam was planning on showering after him. He made quick work of the boxers, before turning to the black leather band around his wrist and begrudgingly removing it. He wished he never had to take it off, not only because it hid his scars, but because it was all he had left from his life before juvie and prison when things had been as close to normal as his life would ever be. Setting the bracelet gently atop the pile of clean clothes, he stepped into the shower, allowing the tepid spray wash over him and transport him back to the day he'd received the bracelet.

_It was Valentine's Day and Jax had somehow been able to scrounge up enough of his father's discarded change to buy Becca a card. His father had just left, mumbling something about it being a great night to pick up women and told his boys not to wait up._

_Once his father had gone, Jax snuck over to Becca's, gently rapping on her window. Surprised and breathless, she appeared at the back door and led him, by the hand, to her room. Jax noticed that though she hadn't expected him, her hair was done up in a loose ponytail with loose curls framing her face and she wore a red blouse that made her cheeks look flushed. Or maybe they just were flushed, Jax couldn't decide. The blouse was paired with a fitted pair of dark jeans that hugged her curves in all the right places._

_"I...I was gonna come over to you," she declared after closing her door._

_"Dad said not to wait up...which means he's out to score some..." Jax's voice trailed off as he searched for the words that would make it sound less chauvinistic, but feel short. "Anyway, he probably won't be home tonight."_

_"Reeally," she drawled as her right eyebrow arched and a grin spread across her lips. "Good, then there's no rush to give you my gift."_

_Jax stared nervously at her a moment, thinking of the simple card he'd bought her and feeling he should have found a way to get her something better. "Y-you didn't have ta buy m-me-"_

_"Well, it's bought...so you have no choice but to accept it." Jax opened his mouth to disagree, to say that she could bring the gift back, but she quickly added, "Think I'll give it to ya now! Can't wait to see your reaction...I-I really hope you like it." She thrust a small package, wrapped in red paper, into his hands and stood, waiting for Jax to open it. He stared down at the package for a long moment, before looking up at her expectant gaze. Slowly, he pulled the card he'd bought, from his back pocket. He cast his gaze to the ground as he handed it to her, wishing it were some little box containing jewelry or, even at the very least, a box of chocolates. "Let's open them at the same time," she suggested excitedly._

_Jax, carefully unwrapped the box and slowly lifted the lid. In the box was a black leather bracelet with three silver snaps. He stared down at it for the longest time. No on had ever given him anything like it. Tentatively, he brought it to his nose and gave it a smell, the unmistakable scent of leather permeating his senses, letting him know it was real. His cheeks flushed as he looked up and realized Becca had been watching him. Her eyes shone with tears, though a genuine smile graced her lips, leaving Jax unsure whether she'd liked the card he'd bought._

_"Thank you," she breathed and leaned into him, gently brushing her lips against his. "The card is beautiful." Her breath was warm against Jax's flushed cheeks. She pulled back and looked at him expectantly. "Aren't ya gonna try it on? I-if you don't like it-"_

_"N-no, I do...like it...it's just..." He paused replacing the bracelet in its box. "I-I can't-"_

_"Don't' you dare say you can't take it." She pulled away with her hands on her hips._

_"B-but it's...it's too much."_

_She sighed loudly, taking the box from his hands and pulling the bracelet from it. She tossed the box onto her bed and turned back to Jax. He stared down at his wrist and watched as she gently took his right hand and snapped the leather band into place, hiding his scar. "There...now when you look at this you can think of me," she smiled as their eyes met. "I...I love you, Jax," she whispered, reaching up to caress his cheek._

_"D-don't say that." He pulled away from her, feeling panic rise within him. "Y-you can't say that ta m-me." Jax stumbled backwards her bedroom door as she stared at him, confusion and pain coloring her expression._

_"Jax please, wait...I-I don't understand." She moved toward him as he scrambled to open her door. How could he explain the fear those words evoked within him when he barely understood it himself? All he knew for sure was that the only other person who had spoken those words to him was gone, dead and part of him believed his father when the older man told him it was his fault._

_"I-I'm sorry," he choked as he threw open the door and rushed out the back door. _

"Jax, ya almost done in there?" Sam called from outside the bathroom, forcing Jax's mind back to the present. "You gonna leave me some hot water?"

"Be out in a few minutes," Jax called as he quickly rinsed off and closed the water. "Gotta shave and then I'll be out," he added as he wrapped a towel around his waist and moved to the sink to shave.

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Half an hour later, saw both men showered, dressed and shaved as Sam exited the bathroom. Jax looked up from where he sat at the small table near the window as the older hunter took the seat across from him and pulled his duffel bag closer and stowed his dirty clothes inside.

"You're cut," Jax observed, pointing to Sam's cheek where he'd cut himself shaving. Sam's hand flew to his face as Jax rounded the table.

"It's just a nick," Sam insisted as Jax lightly touched the cut. An intense glow issued momentarily from Jax's hand and his eyes flashed an intense shade of blue, causing Sam to pull away in surprise. "What the-?" Sam's hand flew to his cheek as he stumbled back wide-eyed, his chair toppling beneath him in his hurry to back away from the younger hunter.

"I-I healed yer cut," Jax mumbled disappointed, but not surprised, by Sam's reaction as his eyes returned to their usual blue. "I-I found out I could in Vegas," he added in explanation as Sam continued to eye him warily.

"Y-You're not Jax," Sam accused, staring at Jax in disbelief, feeling as though he'd somehow been fooled again. "I-I should have kn-known when you came back...I mean your clothes...they had blood stains...b-but you didn't have a scratch on ya." Sam continued to back away, easing his way toward the door as his gaze darted around the room for some kind of weapon.

"N-no, Sam it's m-me," Jax assured calmly, taking a tentative step toward his friend only to watch Sam back away.

"Y-you're a demon."

"N-no, Sam come on...I-I need you to be okay with th-"

"Christo," Sam breathed, waiting for Jax's eyes to change to black.

"Look Sam, if ya really think I'm possessed...I'll sit right here and you can perform a goddam exorcism," Jax sighed defeatedly as he moved back to his seat at the table.

Sam watched the younger man shuffle back to his chair, Jax's slouched, shoulders mirroring his defeated tone. Sam hesitated, everything his father had ever taught him, telling him not to believe, not to trust. But his heart told him that this was Jax. The younger man trusted him, showing him his power because he felt Sam would understand, somehow. Not because he knew about Sam's powers, they had never spoken about it. Sam hadn't had a vision or prophetic dream since Dean had killed the yellow-eyed demon, except the dream he'd had about Becca, so it hadn't really been an issue.

"Well, whadya waitin'for? Exorcise away." Jax slumped in his chair his arms spread in invitation, looking up at him expectantly.

Again Sam hesitated, the pain and defeat in Jax's eyes giving him pause. Was he wrong? Was this a demon, playing him for a fool? Or was he letting down his friend by reacting so poorly to his revelation. _Not his friend._ Sam reminded, but his resolve was beginning to falter. The more he got to know about the younger hunter, the more Sam wanted to be his friend. Yet the more he wanted to be his friend, the more he pushed Jax away. "S-so, you gonna tell me what happened in Vegas? Why you had all that blood on ya?" Sam asked, righting his chair and reclaiming his place across from the younger hunter. "Cause someone else might assume that was mud on yer jeans...but you and I both know it wasn't."

Jax sighed, nodding his head without meeting Sam's gaze. This had been the part he'd been dreading, the part where he had to lie to Sam for Dean. "I had a run in with this vampire, Killeon," Jax paused to look up at Sam to see if the older hunter knew the name, when he saw no recognition he continued, "he tricked me...well, I mean...I didn't know he was a vampire an' I...well...anyway he had me tied up before I knew it an' was torturin' me...an' then..." Jax's voice trailed off as he thought of Lucifer and how the demon had fooled him into believing he was Nick. If Dean hadn't been there to goad the demon on so that he would give himself away...Jax shuddered to think what his 'brother' might have convinced him to do. Jax met Sam's gaze again, watching as the older man patiently waited for him to continue. "Then...N-Nick showed up." This, Jax noted, elicited an eyebrow raise from Sam and still he waited for Jax to continue. "B-but it...it wasn't N-Nick anymore...it...it was a d-demon...it was Lucifer." Jax's heart broke anew as he spoke these words, reminding him again of how he'd failed his brother. Sam eyed him suspiciously for a moment and Jax knew he was wondering if this was a trick, wondering if Jax wasn't the one who was possessed by Lucifer. Or if he was Nick, possessed by Lucifer, was trying to pass himself off as Jax. "It is me, Sam...I'm not sure how I can prove it to ya," Jax sighed, glancing down at the bracelet adorning his wrist. "Becca gave me this...ta cover my scars," he murmured as he unsnapped it, exposing the scars beneath. He wondered if it would be enough to convince Sam that he was Jax.

Sam glanced at Jax's wrist, noting the scars the younger hunter had shown him in the hospital to let him know he wasn't alone after his suicide attempt. So, he knew that this was Jax's body, but how could he be sure that Jax wasn't possessed?

"Look, exorcise me, I mean if there's a demon in here it'll piss it off at least and if nothing happens then..."

**End notes: Okay, so Jax's secret is out of the bag! What do you think? Should Sam exorcise Jax? Let me know what you think!**


	8. Chapter 8

_**It Only Hurts to Breathe**_

_**By gengen0776**_

**Chapter 8**

"Damn it!" Jamie cursed as he got Rowan's voicemail again. He'd been hole up in Rowan's penthouse for hours and the vampire still hadn't shown up. He was still shaken by his visit to Cin's and seeing Joshua there. Could that old man really be Joshua's new guardian? All of Joshua's guardians up until Jonathan had been relatively young, the oldest being Lochlan who was in his thirties.

Jamie paced the lavish apartment, feeling like a caged animal. Any other day, Jamie would have relished in his sumptuous surroundings, enjoying everything they had to offer. But today, all he wanted was to get back to the hospital, to his friend who needed his support. "Screw this," He muttered, as he grabbed his coat and headed out the door.

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"Look, exorcise me, I mean if there's a demon in here it'll piss it off at least and if nothing happens then..." Jax's voice trailed off as he looked up at Sam as the older hunter. "Then you'll know there's no demon up in me." A long sigh slipped from his lips as he gazed down at the scars on his wrist. Their white and raised forms a perpetual reminder of his weakness.

"Look man, I wanna believe you..." Sam's voice trailed off as he rummaged through his bag for his father's journal. "I-I just have ta be sure," he added as he stood up and leafed through the journal. "I mean you suddenly have this power-"

"S'ok Sam, I get it," Jax interrupted as Sam's resolve seemed to falter. Jax needed Sam to trust him and he knew the only way was for Sam to perform the exorcism and see that he was telling the truth. "Jus' go on an' do it." Sam nodded as he cleared his throat and pulled a flask of holy water from his duffel. Sprinkling some on Jax, he began.

"Deus, et Pater Domini nosrti Jesu Christi, invoco nomen sanctum tuum, et clementiam tuam supplex exposco ut adversus hunc, et omnem immundum spiritum, qui vexat hoc plasma tuum. Mihi auxilium prastare igneris. Per eumdem Dominum. Amen...Exorcizo te...."

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Jamie arrived quickly on the third floor following the directions the woman at the information desk had given him. When he arrived at room three-sixteen he paused at the door, taking a deep breath to prepare himself and forced all other thoughts from his mind.

He stood in the doorway for a long moment, staring at the scene before him. Becca lay in the hospital bed, her face peaceful in sleep, her bright red hair in stark contrast with her pale skin and the crisp white bed sheets. Luke sat at her bedside, his hands clasping her left hand, his forehead bowed. Jamie heard the softly murmured words spilling from Luke's lips and knew his friend was praying. He peered further into the room and could see Lochlan dozing in the chair against the opposite wall, the older man's hair in his face as his chin rested against his chest.

_Some guardian._ Jamie thought as he quietly moved to Luke's side. "How's she doin'?" he whispered, laying a comforting hand on his friend's shoulder.

Luke looked up at him, his face a mixture of sadness and relief as he forced a smile. "Sh-she woke up this mornin'."

_But_ Jamie thought, studying the dark smudges beneath his friend's eyes. He knew there must be more if his friend was still sitting here, praying for the woman he loved. "Th-That's good...right?" Luke nodded a sad smile still playing on his lips. "But..." Jamie coaxed, glancing at Becca's sleeping form again.

"Sh-she didn't re-" Jamie looked back at his friend as he heard the hitch in Luke's voice. Tears shone in Luke's eyes when their gazes met again and Jamie felt his heart break for his friend. "She didn't recognize...m-me." A sob erupted from Luke's lips as he said these words as though he could deny it to himself until he said the words out loud.

"I-I'm sure it's only temporary...I mean with everything-"

"That's what the doctor said...b-but-"

"No buts," Jamie interrupted. "There's no way she could forget you man, not for long," he added with a reassuring smile.

"Yeah, you're just so memorable, with that Irish accent of yours," Lochlan chimed in from where he sat as he stretched his arms over his head and yawned.

"Why don't ya head home, Lochlan," Jamie suggested, without hiding the dislike he had for his fellow member.

"Thought Rowan wanted me here until he got here," Lochlan countered as he stood.

"There's been a change of plan."

"Has there now? What's that? Did our _generous benefactor_ change his mind about coming to visit?" Lochlan sneered as he sauntered toward the other two men.

"Just go, would ya?"

"I'm goin'," Lochlan replied with his hands in the air. "But if I get chewed out about this...you'd better believe I'm takin' ya down with me." Then turning to Luke he added, "Don't worry man, she'll remember," he assured with a wink before he turned and left the room.

Jamie stared dumbfoundedly after Lochlan, wondering what had come over the older man. Jamie had never seen Lochlan be nice to any of the other members of the Brethren. Looking back at Luke, he sighed, "The guy may be a jerk, but he's right...she'll remember you."

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"...reced ergo in nomine Patrus et Filii, et Spiritus Sancti: da locum Spiritui Sancto, per hoc signum sanctae Crucis Jesu Christi Domini nostri: Qui cum Patre et eodem Spiritu Sancto vivit et regnat Deus, per omnia saecula saeculorum...Amen."

Sam looked up from his father's journal as he spoke the last words of the ritual. Jax sat still staring at his wrist as he had been when Sam had begun. There was an unmistakable sadness etched on the younger hunter's face and Sam wondered if it was because he was once again reliving what had caused him to produce the scars on his wrist or if he was hurt by Sam's distrust.

"S-so, we're good then?" Jax asked, cringing at the involuntary hitch in his voice. He forced a smile as he looked up at Sam.

"I-I'm so-"

"Don't," Jax interrupted, raising his hand as Sam began to apologize. Jax shook his head, standing as a wry smile graced his lips. "You did what ya had ta...I mean I get it, ya know...th-this life it's...it is what it is." With that said he clapped Sam on the shoulder and moved to gather up his stuff. "'Sides, I don't know if I could trust ya if ya just blindly trusted me," he added with a strained sounding chuckle.

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They'd driven in silence for well over an hour when Sam finally spoke. "S-so, you and Becca hit it off then?"

Jax glanced over at him, smiling as he considered the answer to that question. The truth was he and Becca had hit it off that morning in class, but by the end of the day he'd pretty much ruined whatever great start they'd had. "Well, yes and no." Sam gave him a puzzled look as he considered how to explain his social ineptitude without sounding like a loser or a jerk. "See, later that day I caught Becca chatting with Britney Wilson. Britney was being kind enough to fill Becca in on the sorted details of my mother's death...basically how she'd committed suicide and I kinda lost it."

Sam nodded as understanding dawned on his face. He could only imagine how hard it would have been for him and Dean if everyone in their high school had known the details of their mother's death. "Seems like a normal reaction...for a teenager."

Jax chuckled, shaking his head as he spoke. "Yeah, I guess...anyway I avoided her after that...until Thanksgiving." Jax's voice took on a far away quality again as he thought back to that night long ago. "My dad had, predictably forgotten the holiday and agreed to work the night shift...Not that me or Nick minded, mind you...

"I was putting out the garbage when Becca's mother came rushing toward me, looking panicked.

'H-Have you seen Becca?' Mrs. Sinclair asked her voice strained as a glimmer of hope shone momentarily in her eyes. I shook my head and watched her resolve crumble. 'Oh God, I-I have to f-find her.' Her hand flew ta her mouth as she stifled a sob and I just stood there not knowin' what ta do.

'I can help you look," I offered finally, hatin' ta see the woman so close ta hysterics.

'We both will.' I heard my brother say from the door behind me.

'Th-thank you," she stammered, tears shinin' in her eyes.

'You stay here in case she comes back, me and Nick will check around the neighborhood,' I suggested, lookin' ta Nick. 'Nick you head toward the mall, I'll head toward school. We'll meet back here in an hour." Nick nodded and headed off in the direction of the small strip mall within walkin' distance of our house. 'We'll find her,' I assured before hurryin' toward the school."

"So, savin' her is like a habit of yours?" Sam asked with a chuckle, enjoying the easiness of the conversation between them even after what had happened earlier. _Nice to see something like an exorcism wouldn't cause any friction between us,_ Sam thought with a twinge of guilt over not trusting that Jax was telling the truth. But, as Jax had deftly pointed out, what kind of hunter would he be if he just blindly trusted that Jax had been in the presence of demons and made it out unscathed without being possessed?

"Guess so," Jax replied with a lopsided grin. "So anyway, I found Becca, sittin' on the swings in my old elementary school yard. She was sittin' with her face pressed against the chain of the swing. When I got closer, I noticed she was holdin' a bottle of, what looked like, Smirnoff in her hand. I recognized it because it was my father's drink of choice.

'Becca?' I whispered, since she hadn't noticed me yet an' I didn't wanna scare her. Her head swiveled ta look at me as she stood shakily.

'Wha' do YOU wan'?' she slurred as she took an unsteady step toward me.

'Y-you're mom...s-she was lookin' for ya...she was worried.' I took a hesitant step closer toward her shaky form. 'W-why are you...what's wrong?'

'Whadya care?' she asked, takin' a long swallow of vodka before cringin' an' addin', 'd-dontcha hate me anyway?'

'No...I...look...I'm sorry...I just...look whatever it is...d'you really think that's the answer?' I asked, pointin' to the alcohol she held in her hand. 'T-that stuff...it...it doesn't fix anything...believe me.'"

"Very after school special of you," Sam chuckled, eliciting a glare from Jax. "S-sorry man...continue." He held up his hands in an attempt to look solemn as he fought off another chuckle.

"Yeah, it was, wasn't it?" Jax chuckled, finally, unable to keep up the appearance of being annoyed by Sam comment. "So, anyway, apparently she thought it was a little too after school special too.

'Jus' ferget it,' she mumbled as she pushed past me but stumbled and the liquor bottle slipped out of her hand. I reached out to steady her and she fought me at first, but soon she gave in and was leanin' against me fer support.

'C'mon let's get you home,' I whispered in her ear as I leaned in to circle my arm around her waist. 'Who's that?' I asked, noticing the picture of her and a boy that looked a couple of years older than us that she held tightly in her hand.

"She started cryin' an' collapsed inta my arms. I...I wasn't sure what ta do so I eased her down onto the grass an' protectively wrapped my arms around her as she cried. I-"

"Smooth, ask the drunk girl about the dude in the picture." Again, Jax sent him a death stare.

"You wanna hear the rest?"

"Sorry man, think I may have drank a _little_ too much coffee." Sam tried to look apologetic, but couldn't quite manage it. "So she was cryin' in your arms..." Jax rolled his eyes and heaved a sigh before he continued. He didn't want it to be too obvious that he was enjoying Sam's teasing, because it meant that they were moving past the whole 'you're not Jax' thing.

"I don't know how long we stayed that way, but as I held her, I remembered how understanding she'd seemed when I'd told her about my mother. Finally, her sobs quieted and she pulled away from me slightly.

'It's m-my br-brother,' she hiccupped, reachin' for the fallen bottle of Smirnoff.

'Don't,' I whispered, feelin' my stomach lurched as I smelt the vodka on her breath when she turned ta me." Jax paused to look at Sam. "Still can't stand the smell of vodka...must be a sense memory thing," he explained with a shrug.

Sam nodded his agreement, thinking of how he couldn't smell Jasmine without thinking of Jessica. He knew it must be the same for Jax with the smell of vodka reminding him of his father. And while thinking of Jessica almost always led to remembering her death, there were pleasant memories that came to mind too. Sam wondered if Jax had any good memories of his father.

"So, I convinced her that more drinkin' wouldn't help," Jax began again after a long moment. "She looked up at me and held my gaze for the longest time and I could see the pain in her eyes...man her eyes are so awesome," Jax sighed turning to Sam again with a grin. "Don't know if I mentioned it before, but she's got one blue eye and one brown."

"Don't think you did," Sam replied with a smile. It was clear to Sam that Jax still cared very much for Becca and he found himself wondering, suddenly, why Jax would ever have left her. He thought to ask, but decided to wait, knowing Jax's story was leading to that very revelation. "So she was _gazin' inta yer eyes..._" Sam coaxed when Jax seemed lost in his thoughts again. It wasn't that Sam was impatient, really, it was that there was only a few more hours until they reached there destination and he needed to know as much as he could about why they were heading there.

"Sorry," Jax laughed at Sam's urging. "When I saw the sadness there, I knew h-"

"Her brother was dead."

"Hey, do you wanna hear the story or not?" Jax huffed with feigned annoyance, chuckling as Sam threw up his hands in surrender. "So yeah, I knew her brother was dead without her havin' ta say it...I mean the sadness etched in her face...it was like lookin' in a mirror when I thought of my mom.

'I...I m-miss h-him...s-so much,' she sobbed, fallin' back against my chest. I held her while she cried, waitin' until she'd calmed down again, before I spoke.

'Let's get you home,' I repeated, strugglin' ta help her up as I stood myself and grabbed for the bottle of alcohol-"

"Wait, why'd you pick up the bottle of vodka?"

"Dude, I swear...it's like you have ADD," Jax sighed as he looked over at Sam who was clearly enjoying giving him a hard time. "I didn't wanna leave it lyin' around there fer some kid ta find."

"Oh, makes sense." Sam nodded his a approval and motioned for Jax to continue with a wave of his hand.

"So, anyway...Once we were standin', I looped my right arm 'round her waist and steadied her with my left hand against her stomach. I tossed the liquor bottle into a nearby garbage can as we slowly began to walk home.

'Don' feel good,' Becca breathed before we'd made it out of the park, her head lollin' against my shoulder. 'Th-think I'm gonna be s-sick.' She jerked free from me and stumbled a few steps to one of the many garbage cans scattered 'round the park and puked in it. I hurried toward her, but her hand flew up. 'D-don't,' she managed before she threw up again. I ignored her and quickly moved to her side, placin' a comfortin' hand on her back the way I used to for Nick when he was sick. With my other hand I gathered up her hair as she continued to dry heave for a few minutes.

"She was shiverin' when she pushed away from the garbage can, from the cool November air and the sheen of sweat from throwin' up. So, I pulled off my hoody and helped her into it..." Jax paused to give Sam a warning look about any chivalry comments and then continued. "I looped my arm around her waist again, pullin' her close ta me so she could lean on me fer support.

"We didn't speak as we walked home, she just continued ta shiver against me. But when we turned onto our street she stopped suddenly, makin' me stumble. She looked up at me with those beautiful eyes fulla tears. 'J-Jax...I...' I laced my arm around her again as she started ta sway. 'I'm so-'

'S'okay,' I interrupted, but she shook her head, moanin' softly as the movement caused her ta stumble. 'Really, I...I overreacted...I shoulda let ya explain.' I gently tilted her chin up so our eyes met again and she could see I was bein' sincere. 'I-I'm not very good with...well...people,' I chuckled softly. 'So, let's j-just start over.' She forced a small smile as she fought to keep her eyes open. 'C'mon we're almost there.'

"When we got close to her house, Becca's mom came rushin' to Becca's side. She threw her arms around her daughter, throwing us off balance. I managed to extract myself from the hug and moved away to leave them some privacy.

I slowly walked over ta Nick, who stood watchin' the reunion of mother an' child. I could see the sadness in his eyes and knew he was missin' our mother. I wondered if he was searchin' fer a memory, like me, of when our mother had comforted us the way Becca's mom was comfortin' her. 'C'mon let's get inside before Dad comes home.'

"It's funny, ya know, while most kids were excited by a long weekend off from school, for me an' Nick it was almost like a punishment. School was like eight blissful hours away from my dad and his anger for us. So, ta have four days stuck at home under his watchful eyes was torture like no other.

"It was Sunday afternoon, when I saw Becca again. Me an' Nick were busy foldin' clothes in the kitchen while my father sat, watchin' football in the den when the doorbell rang.

'Jax, get the door,' my dad hollered over the sound of the television. 'It's probably someone tryin' ta sell somethin', get rid of 'em.'

"I hurried to the door, preparin' myself ta dismiss whoever it was and whatever they were sellin' as quickly as I could. 'Sorry, we're not-'

'Don't worry, I'm not sellin' anything,' Becca assured with a huge smile across her pale face.

'S-sorry, I thought...how ya feelin'?' I asked, tryin' for a smooth recovery.

'I've definitely been better,' she replied with a wink. 'I-I just wanted to give you this.' She held out the hoody I'd lent her the other night. 'And to say...' she continued, leanin' in toward me and kissin' me softly on the cheek, 'thank you.'"

Jax's hand absently touched his cheek as he told this part as though he could still feel the kiss there from all those years before. "I stood there for what seemed like forever before I managed ta stammer, 'It's...it's no p-problem...really...I-I mean y-you'd've done the s-same f-fer me.'

'Jax?' The sound of my father's annoyed voice, burnt away any happiness the moment had brought. This was, after all, the girl he'd forbidden me to talk to and here she was standin' at our front door, returnin' a sweater.

'I should go,' Becca said, hitchin' a thumb over her shoulder. 'I'm officially grounded until Hell freezes over or pigs fly,' she added with a forced chuckle. I forced a smile at her joke, but I knew I'd failed to cover the panic when I saw the concern in her eyes.

'S-so, I-I'll see ya at s-school, then.'

'I'll save you a seat,' she declared as she turned and left. I watched her walk away until I heard my dad clear his throat behind me in the hall."

"Busted," Sam chimed in.

Jax nodded as he continued. "Yeah, I spun around ta face him, wonderin' how long he'd been standin' within earshot.

'Didn't I tell ya ta stay away from her?' he demanded, ballin' his fists as he stepped closer ta me while I stood there tryin' ta come up with some excuse fer disobeyin'.

'S-she was...she was askin' about some homework.' I stammered lamely, knowin' he wasn't buyin' it.

'What was she doin' with yer shirt?' he asked tickin' his gaze to the hoody I still held in my hand. I stared down at it a long time, searchin' for a probable explanation, without havin' to admit I'd disobeyed him.

'I-I forgot it at school."

'Funny, weren't ya wearin' it the other night?' A menacin' grin spread across his face as he took another step toward me. 'Ya sure ya didn't disobey me and go off somewhere with her?'

'Her mom...she asked us ta help find Becca...the other night,' Nick said from behind my father.

'So, you BOTH disobeyed me,'my father growled as he turned and took a step toward Nick. I watched Nick flinch as my father clenched his fists at his sides.

'No, only me,' I corrected, quickly puttin' myself between Nick and my father. 'I left the house on Thanksgivin' night ta help Mrs. Sinclair look fer Becca.' My dad eyed me for a moment before a wicked grin spread on his face and I knew I was in fer it. An' he decided ta remind me what happened when I disobeyed.

'Don't worry, boy. I ain't gonna hit ya in the face,' my father assured, but then when he saw me relax a little he added, 'but no one can see under yer shirt." With that he slammed his fist into my stomach, makin' me double over as the air rushed outta me. 'Unless ya show 'em.' He grabbed my chin and forced me to stand up straight again. 'An' yer not gonna show anyone, are ya boy?' I shook my head strugglin' ta hold back the tears burnin' in my eyes from the searin' pain in my gut. 'Good,' he patted my shoulder and I relaxed again thinkin' the beatin' was over, when he slammed me in the stomach again. This time my knees buckled and I sank ta the floor as he walked away, callin' over his shoulder, 'an' stay away from that girl, ya hear?'

"When he was gone Nick rushed over ta me and helped me up. 'Why'd ya have ta go take all the blame, Jax? I disobeyed, too.'

'G-gotta p-protect ya...l-little b-brother,' I managed through clenched teeth, tryin' ta force a reassuring smile."

Sam couldn't help, but admire that Jax would put himself in harms way for his younger brother. Again, he was reminded of how much Jax and Dean were alike. _Wonder if Dean would've liked him,_ he thought as Jax continued.

"That was the first of many beatings I got in the name of Becca Sinclair, but the time I spent with her was worth anything my father could dish out," he added with a far away look again and Sam knew he was thinking of the time he'd spent with Becca.

**End Notes:**

Please let me know what you think I really enjoy all your comments!


	9. Chapter 9

**_It Only Hurts to Breathe_**

**_by: gengen0776_**

**Chapter 9**

Jax sighed as he remembered how he'd tried to hide the bruises from that beating.

_He'd even taken the time to dress in the bathroom so that even Nick wouldn't see them. Yet __Becca__ had called his bluff when she'd seem him at school._

_He'd managed to weave his way through the crowded school halls to his classroom without, letting anyone so much as brush his bruised abdomen. That is until Britney Wilson ploughed into him as he entered his homeroom class. His hand flew out to the desk closest to him for support as pain seared through his stomach causing his knees to weaken beneath him._

"_Jax?" Becca's concerned voice reached his ears as he struggled to catch his breath. "Are you okay?" She was at his side now, easing the back pack from his shoulder as he finally managed to straighten up. When their gazes met he could see the concerned etched in her beautiful face._

"_M'ok," he managed, forcing a smile as he allowed her to lead him to the seat she's saved in front of hers. "J-just a l-little sore fr-from…" his voice trailed off as he searched for a believable explanation._

"_Sore my ass," Becca retorted as she squatted in front of me. "That is more than sore, believe me I know," she added, looking me straight in the eye as though daring me to lie. Jax eyed her curiously for a moment. "What?" she shrugged. "My brother played football. Now show me." She tugged at the bottom of his shirt but he shook his head._

"_It's…it's nothing."_

"_Right," she sighed, rolling her eyes and standing abruptly. "Whatever." She moved back to her seat and picked up the book she'd been reading before his arrival. "Whenever you wanna tell me the truth." She flipped aggressively through the book as she mumbled, "'cause I get the wind knocked outta me all the time when someone breezes by me."_

_Before he could try to explain, Mr. Rogers entered the room and started class. At the end of class, Becca rushed out of the room and Jax couldn't safely navigate the crowded halls fast enough to keep up with her._

_He managed to catch up with her again at lunch time, though she began to pack up as soon as she saw him approach._

"_Sorry, I've gotta be somewhere," she sighed, slinging her back pack over her shoulder and waling away. Quickly putting down his tray, Jax hurried after her._

"_Becca, please wait!" he called managing to grab her arm. When she turned to look at him, he could see the sadness in her mismatched eyes. "Look, I'm sorry…I jus—"_

"_No, I'm sorry. I thought we were friends, but I was wrong since you obviously don't trust me." She wrenched her arm free from his grasp and darted out the cafeteria door._

_He rushed after her again, catching up this her a few doors away. The hall was almost deserted not, since most everyone was in the cafeteria. He caught her arm again as he struggled to catch his breath since his bruised abdomen made it hard to breathe deeply._

"_P-please, I-I Do…w-wanna be fr-friends…I…" He was gasping now and her concern began to override her anger, because she gently slid her free arm under his right arm and laced it around his back. She slowly led him into an empty classroom, gingerly easing him into the first available seat._

"_You don't trust me," she whispered softly as she crouched before him as she had that morning._

"_I-I do…j-just n-not h-here…" Jax closed his eyes, struggling to gain control of his breathing before he was forced to visit the nurse's office and the questions would begin. When he opened his eyes as his breathing steadied, he gazed at Becca who refused to look at him. He tenderly wiped away the tears he noticed on her cheeks with his thumbs as he tipped her face up so their gazes would meet. "P-please, if s-someone s-saw…" He watched understanding dawn on her face._

"_Okay," she murmured, her hand grazing his cheek. "I didn't…think…I should've thou—" her words were cut short by the bell announcing the end of lunch period._

"_We'll talk later," Jax whispered as he slowly rose from the chair, grimacing as pain burned his bruised muscles. Becca laced her arm around him again and helped him to class, deflecting anyone from even so much as grazing his injured abdomen._

Jax was smiling as he stared ahead at the road and Sam wondered if he should leave the younger man to his thoughts of better times. Instead, Sam stared out the window, watching the scenery drift by and allowing the steady motion of the Impala to lull him to sleep.

Jax glanced over at Sam as he heard the soft sound of the older hunter's snoring. It wasn't chainsaw loud or anything, just a soft nasal sound that let Jax know the other man had drifted off to sleep after coming down from his earlier caffeine rush. He wondered, momentarily, if his healing Sam had cause the energy spike in his friend, but the pull of his memories of Becca soon won over any curiosity. If he kept his mind on the past it, he could keep himself from worrying that they might be too late and that even with this new-found power he wouldn't be able to help her.

_That night, luck seemed to be on his side, as his father began working evenings. After his father had called to check in on them, Jax considered his options. He could invite Becca over or sneak over to her house. The second option seemed better, though there was one small hitch, he didn't know what room was her's._

"_Where are you going?" Nick demanded nervously as Jax pulled on a hoody and moved to the back door. "Jax, you haven't even healed from the beating yesterday." _

"_C'mon little brother, how will he know?" Jax asked, flashing a reassuring smile Nick's way. "Besides, I won't be gone long," he promised as he slipped out the door into the darkness of the back yard and moved to the fence that separated their yard from Becca's. He eyed the fence wearily, wishing he didn't have to jump it, but not wanting to chance one of his father's many cop friends driving by during their patrol and spotting him._

_He climbed the fence much less agilely than he might have as he tried not to involve his injured muscles in the process. Once he was over, he slowly moved from window to window, trying to decipher which one was Becca's room. He really didn't want her mother or great-aunt to know of his visits if it could be helped. The third window he checked had a __Linkin Park__ flag as a curtain and Jax figured that was definitely not great-aunt Ethel's taste in music or décor._

_He could make out a lamp, burning in the room but couldn't tell if anyone was there. He gently knocked on the window, holding his breath for a moment as he heard movement coming from inside. Soon Becca's curious face appeared in the window and he saw her jump a bit._

"_Jax?" she breathed as she pulled open the window._

"_Hey, can I come in?"_

"_Sure, I'll go open the d—"_

"_No! I…I-d rather…no one knew I was over," he explained as she stared at him questioningly._

"_They're watching TV in the den, they won't hear you come in," she assured. That's why I chose this room." Her cheeks flushed as she added, "for the privacy…not for sneakin' in boys."_

"_Okay, so I'll meet you at the back door, then," Jax smiled, happy to know that he wasn't the only one stammering that night._

_Once in her room Jax looked around. It was a typical teenager's room, he guessed. Posters adorned her walls, of bands Jax had heard of but didn't really know. He and Nick had grown up listening to the classics like __Styx__ and Kansas that their father listened to, he was never very open to new music._

"_Something wrong, Sunshine?" Becca asked breaking into Jax's thoughts. He turned to se the bemused look on her face and felt his cheeks flush as he realized that he must look like a tourist gawking at the unfamiliar sites._

"_Uh, n-no," Jax stammered, shaking his head. Becca chuckled softly at his discomfort as she slid past him and flicked on her CD player. Angsty rock filled the room as she moved to sit on her bed. She watched him intently as he struggled to search his memory for any recognition of the song playing or the band performing it._

"_Do you like Linkin Park?"_

"_Sure," he shrugged non-committally, avoiding her gaze. He was worried that Becca would see that he had no idea who they were and think he was strange._

"_Come. Sit." She patted the bed beside her. "I don't bite, ya know." She grinned up at him through her tousled auburn curls. He stared down at her for a moment, noticing she still wore the same tee-shirt as she had at school, but with only a pair of boxers. Her bare legs were the warm golden color that came from summer days spent sitting out in the sun. "Earth to Jax," she called, waving her hand before Jax's eyes. "You okay?" Concern quickly evaporated her grin as her eyes searched his. _

"'_M fine," Jax mumbled, forcing a smile as he sat next to her on her bed. He stared down at his hands wondering how to explain to her that other than his uncle Jim's he'd never been to anyone else's house without sounding like a total freak?_

"_First time in a girl's room?" Her hand gently touched his. Jax continued to stare at his hands, without answering. "It's the first time I've had boy in my room," she informed. "Ex-except my brother of course…though not in this room…anyway…just…uh trying to s-say that it's a f-first for both of us," she stammered, pulling her hand away from his as she stood abruptly and moved to the door. "D-do you want anything? A drink or something?" Jax looked up at her anxious form and shook his head. _

_Jax sighed as he watched Becca slip out of the room, trying to figure out why it was so weird between them. They talked all the time at school without all the nervousness, yet tonight he could barely bring himself to look her in the eye._

_He walked around the room as he waited, studying pictures of Becca at various stages of her life. Many pictures included her mother and brother and a man Jax could only assume was her father. He continued around the room studying trophies scattered among the pictures, many of them with the name Shane Sinclair inscribed on them. Becca's brother, Jax guessed. _

_He came to a small desk nestled in the corner, littered with beautiful pencil drawn sketches in various stages of completion. There were also some completed drawings pinned to the wall above the desk. _

_Grinning conspiratorially, Becca slid into the room calling to her mother, "Nah, that's okay Mom, I got homework and I'm gonna do some drawing after that." She thrust a glass of soda at him as she turned to close the door. "Just in case," she shrugged when Jax gave her a questioning look and set her glass down. "Okay, let's see." She motioned to Jax's shirt and he shrank back._

"_Doesn't hurt anymore," he lied, watching as she scowled in disbelief. Before he realized what she was doing, she reached over and poked him in the stomach and he doubled over as though she punched him._

"_Yup, I can see that." She rolled her eyes. "Show me," she ordered once Jax had straightened back up._

_Reluctantly, Jax complied, pulling his shirt up to expose the bruises littering his abdomen. He watched as Becca's face blanched and filled with sadness. It seemed it was worse than what she'd been expecting. Her eyes shone with unshed tears as their gazes met._

"_Oh my God, Jax…this…this is bad," she stammered as she moved closer to him, until he could feel her breath on his skin as she examined the marbled bruises. "H-how? Who did this?" She gazed up at him and he could tell she already knew, but wanted him to admit it._

"_Me and Nick were mess—"_

"_Jax, don't lie to me," she pleaded her faces inches from his now. He could smell the soft vanilla scent of her perfume as her hand caressed his cheek. "Please."_

Jax sighed as he remembered that scent; he breathed deeply and could almost smell it now as he thought about it. He remembered how he'd stared at her for the longest time lost in her beautiful eyes. He could see them clearly now and still marveled at the mismatched beauty of them. Her right eye, brown with flecks of green and gold, while her left was the most amazing blue he'd ever seen, like the aqua blue of the ocean against some tropical island he'd only seen in pictures and movies.

As another, deeper sigh escaped his lips, Jax heard Sam chuckle softly beside him. He felt his face flush as he wondered how long Sam had been awake.

"Whatcha thinkin' about that's got ya sighin' like a school girl?" Sam teased. Jax glared over at Sam as he reached over and turned on the radio. He really didn't feel like having Sam bust his chops at the moment. "Sorry man, I'll behave I promise."

Jax made the mistake of looking over at Sam who had thrown on his best puppy dog expression. "Fine," he sighed as he shut off the music. "But one comment…" he warned.

Sam nodded looking as solemn as he could manage. "Not a word," he promised as he waited for Jax to continue his story. Jax quickly explained what had happened at the day after his beating with Becca, leaving out the parts, he felt, were embarrassing.

"She wasn't buyin' the story that I'd gotten hurt when me and Nick were messin' around.

'Jax, don't lie to me,' she pleaded. She was so close I could smell the vanilla perfume she wore. 'Please.'

"Then she was starin' at me with those eye…I don't know if you got a good look at 'em in yer dream," he paused to look at Sam who shook his head. "They're just amazing…I can't even describe them…" his voice trailed off for a moment and he was picturing them again, knowing he'd never be able to find the words to do them justice. "Anyway, I got upset…I mean she already knew the truth I could see it in her eyes. Why did I have ta say it , ya know?" Sam nodded.

'Whadya want me ta say?' I demanded, pullin' away from her. 'D'ya want me ta say my Dad hit me? Is that what ya wanna hear?' I spat angrily at her.

"I wasn't angry at her really…I was angry at my father, not because he'd hit me…but because of him Becca would now and forever look at me with the pity I could see in her eyes that night," Jax explained and Sam nodded again.

'W-why?' she managed ta ask, her voice barely a whisper as tears trailed down her cheeks watching me pace. I laughed at the question, as if my dad really needed a reason. 'Was it because of me?' she asked.

'W-what? W-why would you think…?'

'I heard him…y-yelling at you…after I left yesterday…t-this is my f-fault." Her tears were flowin' freely, her face filled with guilt over what my father had done. I rushed back ta her side, ignorin' the pain in my gut as I pulled her close ta me. 'I-I'm s-sorry…I-I shou—'

'It's not you fault,' I assured, tilting her chin up to look at me. I smoothed back her hair from her eyes as I leaned closer to her and spoke again. 'I disobeyed him…it was my fault…not yours…not yours.' My hands cupped her face as I watched her reaction. Before I realized what I was doing, I leaned in and kissed her."

Jax fell silent for a moment, remembering every detail of his first kiss. The way he'd slid his hands into Becca's hair as she returned the kiss. The way her arms entwined themselves around his neck, pulling him closer as the kiss deepened.

"We couldn't look each other in the eye when the kiss ended. 'S-sorry, I…I shouldn't h—' I began ta apologize fer the kiss but Becca silenced me, gently pressin' her finger to my lips as she shook her head.

We stood, starin' at anything but each other for a long moment, each lost in our own thoughts. I kept thinkin' about how soft her lips were and how they tasted like strawberries." Jax looked over at Sam with a small smile before he continued. "Then her voice was pullin' me from my thoughts. When our eyes met, there was a flash of anger in hers.

'What did you do to disobey him? W-what could p-possibly be bad enough for h-him to do this to y-you?' she demanded, her voice hitching as angry tears began to stream down her cheeks.

"I hesitated, if I told her it was because I'd gone out Thanksgiving night, she would blame herself again because I'd gone out to look for her. I searched my mind for some other reason, but came up empty. Besides, I knew she could see right through my lies."

"You, Mr. con artist extraordinaire…she could see through your lies?" Sam stared at Jax in mock disbelief. Jax sighed and rolled his eyes at the comment.

"Ya know what…never mind…may as well put on some music 'cause I'm done."

Sam stared silently out the window, watching the scenery fly by, he noted the road sign announcing that Charlotte was only twenty-file miles away. It suddenly dawned on him that they didn't know what hospital Becca was in, and he wondered briefly how many hospitals were in Charlotte. Lowering the music as he cleared his throat, Sam looked over and noticed Jax's tightly clenched jaw. Sam knew he'd gone too far with the smart-ass comments and wondered if Jax would even talk to him. "So, how many hospitals are in Charlotte?"

Jax turned to look at him, his brow furrowed questioningly. After a moment understanding dawned on his face and he gave the question some serious thought. "Two, maybe three," he replied. "Can you remember the name of the hospital from your dream? Maybe we could start there."

Sam nodded at Jax's suggestion. He closed his eyes combing his memory of the dream to remember if he's seen the name of the hospital. Jax tried to wait patiently, but his fingers soon began drumming on the steering wheel. "Do you mind?" Sam mumbled with his eyes still shut. Had it been for anything else, Jax probably would have continued the annoying staccato, but since it meant finding Becca quicker he stopped.

Finally, after another few minutes Sam's eyes snapped open with a gasp and he looked over at Jax with a triumphant smile. "Presbyterian Hospital, do you know where it is?" Jax nodded giving his full attention to the road now as he pushed the Impala a little harder. He knew it wouldn't be long now until he saw Becca again, he just hoped he was in time to save her.


	10. Chapter 10

**_It Only Hurts to Breathe_**

**_by: gengen0776_**

**Chapter 10**

Jamie had sat for hours with Luke, offering his silent support to his friend. As Luke fell asleep, his head resting next to Becca's hand he held in his own, sighed and stretched his stiff muscles. Standing, he headed to the door. He needed coffee and maybe something to eat. He also needed to call in to the Brethren headquarters to see if there was any news from Rowan. He stopped at the nurse's station on his way to the entrance to make his phone call.

"Hi," he greeted the pretty brunette sitting behind the counter filling out paperwork. She looked up at his with a weary smile. "I need to ask a favor," he said, flashing his most charming smile. This time the nurse's cheeks flushed slightly as she returned his smile. "Could you make sure no one disturbs my friend Becca Sinclair in room 316? Luke, her boyfriend, he just fell asleep and…" he let his voice trail off as the nurse gave him a sympathetic smile. Something about her smile told Jamie that she knew something more than Luke and he did about Becca's condition.

"Sure, it's past visiting hours at any rate."

"Thanks," he replied with a grateful smile. He knew the staff had been instructed not to give any information about Becca's condition by Rowan. Frustration welled within Jamie as he walked toward the elevator. It felt as though everyone knew what was going on but Luke and him. Rowan had known, instantly, that the problem had been Becca's heart and the way the nurse was looking at him, he knew it was as bad as Luke feared.

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Twenty-five minutes after Sam had named the hospital, they were parking in front of it. Jax cut the engine and sat silently staring out the windshield. Sam noticed that the younger hunter's hands shake as he pushed them through his disheveled blond hair.

"You ready?" Sam asked, clapping Jax's shoulder and offering him a triumphant smile. "Hey we made it here without killing each other! That's a good omen, right?" he added with a chuckle.

"Let's do this." Jax forced a smile at his companion and took a deep breath, before stepping out of the Impala.

Sam led the way through the same doors he'd seen Luke carry Becca through in his dream. Jax followed closely behind the older hunter, fidgeting nervously as they approached the information desk. "Hi there," Sam greeted the blond fortyish nurse, sitting behind the desk. Giving the nurse his patented Sam Winchester puppy dog look, Sam continued, "We're looking for a patient that would have come in through the emergency…Becca Sinclair."

"She's in room 316, but it says here no visitors except family," the nurse informed with a sympathetic smile. "Are you family?"

Sam looked to Jax, before replying, "We're family friends."

"I'll need your name," the nurse replied picking up a pen. "All visitors have to be cleared with her cousin, Rowan St. Christen."

"Sonuvabitch." Sam heard Jax mutter behind him. Turning, he saw the blond hunter stalk toward the elevators.

"Sir," the nurse called quickly standing from her chair and rushing around the desk as Jax jabbed at the call button and the elevator doors slid open. "Sir, you can't go up there. Visiting hours are over, you'll have to…" her words trailed off as the doors slid closed and Jax disappeared from view. The nurse turned to glare at Sam, who threw his hands up and gave her an apologetic look.

"We drove cross country…he's really worried about her," Sam offered with a shrug, his puppy dog eyes at full strength as he added, "He hasn't seen her in over six years and they didn't part on such great terms…he's just afraid…afraid he won't get the chance to…" Sam allowed his voice to trail off as he watched the nurse's features soften as she circled back behind her desk.

"What were the names?" She asked, looking up at him with a sympathetic smile. "I'll see if we can contact Mr. St, Christen tonight."

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As the elevator doors slid open, Jax surveyed his surroundings. The woman sitting at the nurse's station flashed him a welcoming smile, letting Jax know that the nurse downstairs hadn't called upstairs yet. He wondered if Sam had something to do with it. Was he sweet talking the nurse with those puppy dog eyes of his?

"Hey there," he greeted the petite brunette, forcing his most winning Jax Callio smile minus the wink. When the nurse returned his smile, he asked, "Room 316?" trying to sound as though he had every right to be heading there.

"You're name?"

Jax hesitated, searching for a name that would be on the list. Coming up with only Rowan's name, he wondered if the nurse had seen the vampire yet, or if he could get away with pretending to be his failed protector. "Rowan St. Christen," Jax replied, staring down at his hands as he mentally crossed his fingers.

"Nice try, Buddy," a voice sounded from behind him. Both Jax and the nurse turned their gazes to the dark-haired man stalking down the hall toward them. Jax quickly sized up the other man. His dark hair was about the same length as Jax's and in similar disarray and he stood an inch or so taller than Jax. A forced smile graced the stranger's lips as he came to stand a couple of feet from Jax. "I know Rowan, and _you_ aren't him." The man continued to smile as Jax searched for a way around the man.

"Listen, _Buddy,_ I need to see Becca," Jax forced through the clenched teeth of a strained smile of his own.

"Well, unless you're on the list," the dark-haired man gestured to the list on the nurse's desk. "Or Rowan suddenly became a dumb blond, you're outta luck."

Jax's hands clenched at his sides as he struggled to contain the anger boiling inside him. He knew that getting in a fight would only result in him getting thrown out of the hospital, making it nearly impossible to see Becca before it was too late. "Look, I'm an old friend of Becca's, just tell her Jax is here," Jax stated calmly. "I-I'm sure she…she'll wanna see me."

"You don't seem so convinced, Jax was it?" A superior smirk spread across the other man's face. Jax's fists tightened at his sides, his nails digging painfully into his palms as rage boiled within him. "Look, _Jax,_ I don't know you and you're not on that list…so until you are you—" the man's words were cut short as Jax's fist connected with his cheek. "See, now I was tryin' ta be polite." The man grinned at Jax as he wiped the trickle of blood from the side of his mouth. "But if you wanna play it that way," he added, balling his hands into fists. "Then you got it." The man's fist shot out and caught Jax's jaw, staggering him a little.

"Sirs, please stop this instant!" the nurse cried as the dark haired man ploughed his shoulder into Jax as the young hunter was still reeling from his well placed punch. "I'm calling security!"

Ignoring the nurse, the dark-haired man rammed Jax against the wall between the two elevators. "Now, that you've used up my good nature, you're gonna get your ass outta here. Don't bother coming back, because we both know that I still won't know you and you still won't be on that list," the man growled in Jax's ear as one hand slid away from Jax and pressed the call button.

"Pl-please, you d-don't underst-stand," Jax pleaded desperate to get to the woman he loved. "I-I can h-help her."

"Sure you can, Sparky." The man caught Jax by the shirt as the elevator doors slid open. Sinking his hand into his pocket, the man pulled out a quarter. "Here's a quarter, man. Call someone who cares…or believes you," the man added as he slid his hand into Jax's pocket, before shoving him into the elevator and pressing the button that would send him down to the main floor.

Stumbling forward, Jax struggled leave the elevator as the doors began to slide closed. "Becca! Red please! Please Becca, tell them you know me! I can help you! Please Red!" he screamed as the doors closed in his face.

Jax slammed his fist against the elevator door. He's traveled cross country to get to Becca and now he was so close. He continued to pound against the door as he leaned his forehead on the cool metal surface. He was filled with a sense of hopelessness as he cursed his luck, was the whole world against him? Was he meant to lose everyone he cared about? Jax stumbled forward out of the elevator as the doors slid from in front of him.

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"Jax?" Sam concerned voice sounded as Jax crumpled to the floor weighed down by the sheer hopelessness of the situation. There was no way he could save Becca if he couldn't see her. _There's no guarantee that I can save her even if I do somehow make it in to see her,_ he thought despondently as his friend hauled him to his feet. "Man, what happened?" Sam grabbed Jax's face in both hands and forced the younger man to look at him. "Is she…?" Sam's voice trailed off as he tried to understand his friend's reaction.

"N-no…b-but," Jax hesitated, trying to look away but Sam's hands wouldn't let him. "Th-they won't let me see her, I—"

"Barbara is gonna keep tryin' ta call Becca's cousin," Sam informed. "She's gonna call us as soon as she gets in touch with him," he continued, sliding his arm beneath Jax's arm and around the younger man's back. "So, let's go find a motel close by and get some rest."

Flashing Barbara a grateful smile, Sam led his distraught friend from the hospital, helping him into the passenger's seat after claiming the keys to the Impala. Jax remained silence the whole time, seeming unbuoyed by the information Sam had imparted upon him.

"I'll be back in a couple of minutes," Sam informed his silent companion as he slid out of the car and quietly closed the door behind him. Jax watched as his friend circled the car and headed to the office of the small motel they'd found within walking distance from the hospital. He sat quietly wishing he'd at least caught a glimpse of Becca before he'd been so rudely sent away. Admittedly, he could have handled the situation better, but punching the guy had been a knee-jerk reaction Jax had been unable to control in that moment.

He'd traveled cross country to save the woman he loved. He'd found the hospital and had been a few yards away from her and he'd gone and messed it all up because he'd lost his temper and started a fight. Who was that guy anyway and how did he know Rowan? Actually, how did Rowan know Becca?

The more Jax thought about it the more the questions accumulated. If Rowan knew he was heading to see Becca, why hadn't he put his name on that list? Questions continued to churn within Jax as Sam returned.

"C'mon man, let's get some rest. Hopefully, Barbara will get in touch with this Rowan guy, and your name'll be on the list in the morning." Sam reached into the back seat and grabbed his duffel bag, pausing to eye his companion. "Don't worry man, you're gonna save the girl," he assured, patting Jax's shoulder and waiting until Jax gave a weak nod before sliding back out of the car.

Jax slowly followed, mechanically pulling his own duffel from the back seat and trudging after his friend. He wished he were as sure as Sam seemed to be. His power was still mostly unexplored; could he be sure that he could heal Becca? Sure, he'd healed Sam's cut, but that was small and far from life threatening.

Filled with doubt, Jax took the bed farthest from the door, without any argument. Throwing his duffel on the floor beside it, Jax kicked off his boots and pulled down the sheets. He climbed silently into bed without bothering to get undressed. "G'night," he muttered to Sam, knowing the older hunter was watching him.

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"J-Jax?" Becca mumbled, at the familiar sound of his voice drifting down the hall. She struggled against her heavy eyelids, trying to open her eyes to see what was going on.

"Look, I'm an old friend of Becca's, just tell her Jax is here," she heard Jax stated calmly. "I-I'm sure she…she'll wanna see me."

"Y-yes…I d-do," she choked her voice nothing more than a raspy whisper.

"You don't seem so convinced, Jax was it?" Jamie's unmistakable sarcastic voice replied. "Look, _Jax,_ I don't know you and you're not on that list…so until you are you—" Jamie's words were cut off for a moment and Becca cringed knowing Jax's temper had gotten the best of him. "See, now I was tryin' ta be polite, but if you wanna play it that way, then you got it." She heard the smack of another punch and knew Jamie had returned Jax's hit with one of his own.

"Sirs, please stop this instant!" a female voice cried, Becca assumed it was the night nurse. "I'm calling security!" the nurse added as the sounds of fighting continued.

"Now, that you've used up my good nature, you're gonna get your ass outta here. Don't bother coming back, because we both know that I still won't know you and you still won't be on that list." Though Becca knew Jamie was just trying to protect her, she couldn't help the anger welling inside her at his treatment of Jax.

"Pl-please…don't s-send him away," she breathed as she struggle to sit up, pulling her hand from Luke's grasp, waking him.

"Pl-please, you d-don't underst-stand," Jax pleaded, causing her heart to break. How could he help her? No one could.

"Sure you can, Sparky. Here's a quarter, man. Call someone who cares…or believes you," Jamie said dismissively as the elevator rang its arrival.

"N-no, pl-please Luke," Becca pleaded with the man at her side. Luke nodded as he quickly stood and rushed out the door as Jax continued to call for her.

"Becca! Red please! Please Becca, tell them you know me! I can help you! Please Red!"

Moments later, Luke returned with Jamie following closely behind. "Did that guy wake ya Becs?" Jamie asked as he entered the room looking please with himself. "Don't worry he won't be bothering you again."

"W-why d'you send him away?" Becca whispered. Jamie looked up at her, surprise etching his features as he realized Jax really was an old friend of Becca's.

"Rowan said—"

"I-I don't c-care wh-what R-Rowan…s-said…"Becca interrupted, her heart monitor jumping as her heart began to race. "I-if J-Jax comes b-back, y-you…you let him s-see me," she gasped through clenched teeth as her heart clenched painfully in her chest.

"B-but—"

"N-no! No b-buts," Becca cut in again, her breathing becoming more and more erratic and her heart monitor began to move in time with the quick staccato of her heart. "Y-you l-let h-him—"

"We'll let'im in Darlin'…I promise," Luke soothed, hoping to calm Becca. He was worried about the strain her outburst was causing her heart. Becca eyed him suspiciously for a moment, before falling back onto her pillow looking exhausted again.

"Th-thank y-you," she whispered breathlessly. Smiling wanly at Luke as he gently caressed her cheek. Though she still couldn't quite remember him, she was beginning to understand why she cared about Luke and she could see without a doubt how much he cared about her.


	11. Chapter 11

**_It Only Hurts to Breathe_**

**_By: gengen0776_**

**Chapter 11**

After days of sleeping in the Impala, the lure of a real bed should have been irresistible. Yet Jax tossed and turned, mumbling in his sleep and calling out Becca's name as Sam sat with his laptop at the small table on the other side of the room. He looked up from time to time from his research on faith healing when Jax cried out. He wondered if he should wake his friend, but decided against it. Jax needed all the rest he could get if he was going to help Becca and restless sleep was better that no sleep at all. Suddenly, Jax bolted upright in bed, causing Sam to jump at the unexpected movement.

"You alright?" Sam asked, wearily eyeing the younger hunter. Had he had a prophetic dream? Or was it just a nightmare brought on by his fear of not making it in time?

"I need to make a call," Jax mumbled, ignoring Sam's question as he untangled himself from the bed sheets and headed toward the bathroom.

"Jax, it's like 2 a.m.," Sam called as his companion closed the door behind him. Though Sam had pointedly repeated that he and Jax were not, under no uncertain terms, friends; he couldn't help but feel hurt that the younger hunter was shutting him out. Not wanting to dwell upon what he'd brought on to himself, Sam turned his attention back to his research. He knew Jax was uncertain about his power and hoped to find some information on how Jax's ability worked and how to better use it.

Shutting the door behind him and locking it, Jax leaned against it and scrubbed a hand across his face as he prepared himself for the conversation he was about to have. He needed Rowan to make the call to get him on the list to see Becca and he was willing to do whatever it took, including beg if he had to. He pulled out his phone and took a deep breath as he dialed Rowan's number.

"Jax, where the hell are you?" Came Dean's voice after several rings. "I need my damn amulet now!"

"Dean, I ain't got time ta talk about yer amulet right now, I need to talk ta Rowan," Jax replied, trying to ignore the urgency in Dean's voice. "It's real important."

"Shut the hell up, Jason," Dean hissed after Jax heard the muffled sound of someone speaking to Dean. "Listen, Jax. I really need my amulet, it's sort of a matter of life an' death. You still have it, right?"

Jax hesitated he didn't have time for this. He needed to get to Becca. "Yeah, I got your damn amulet, Dean, not like I was gonna lose it on the road trip from Vegas ta here." Jax heaved an exasperated groan as he began to pace the length of the small motel bathroom. "Now can I talk to Rowan?"

"He can't come to the phone right now," Dean said, sounding exhausted. "He's…well. He's dead tired at the moment, so I'll have him call you when he wakes up."

Jax's anger boiled within him. Why didn't Dean understand? He _needed_ to talk to Rowan. He _needed_ to see Becca. "Well, wake him the hell up," he pressed angrily. "He has to make a call to the hospital for me so they'll let me in ta see Becca."

"I could try, but he really sleeps like the dead sometimes," Dean chuckled weakly. "It would really be like waking the dead."

Jax heard the voice in the background again as he ground his teeth together at Dean's ability to joke when he could obviously hear the urgency in Jax's voice. "Dean," Jax snapped at the end of his patience. "I have ta get in ta see Becca or she's gonna die, so put Rowan on the damn phone now or the next time I see you I'll forget yer Sam's brother for a moment an' use whatever power I have ta really hurt you. Understand?" Jax growled, clenching his free hand into a tight fist as he tried to keep his voice down so Sam didn't over hear.

"Well, you listen to me, Jax," Dean hissed, all the humor leaving his tone. Jax heard the older hunter take a gasping breath before he continued. "If I don't get that damn amulet back within the next few hours, I'm a dead man, so y-you can threaten me all you like, but I still can't get Rowan for ya."

The phone nearly slipped from Jax's hand as Dean's words sunk in. He was really dying? "You're what?" Jax's voice softened and filled with concern. "But you told me—"

"I'm outta time, Jax," Dean interrupted, "cause apparently biting Lucifer was a really bad idea, who knew? An' the real kicker is that some dumb ass stole the one thing that could have saved me from losing my eyesight."

"Yer blind?" Jax's voice rose, coming out sounding high-pitched and squeaky. Dean's comment not lost on him. If he hadn't taken Dean's amulet…Jax forced himself back from the thought. _What's done is done. It's not like I can go back in time and NOT take it._

"I'm not walkin' around with a seein' eye dog yet or swingin' a cane so I don't hit anything, b-but yeah, I'm pretty much blind."

There was laughter in the background as Jax muttered, "I'm so sorry, Dean. Ya gotta believe if I had known ya were so bad off, I would've come back ta Vegas ta give it ta you." Jax's mind raced. It was his fault. Dean was blind because of him, dying because of him. Why had he taken the damn thing?

"So why do you need Rowan's help to get in to see this Becca person?" Dean asked wearily, effectively changing the subject.

"Well, apparently he's her cousin from what they told me, which I highly doubt." Jax heaved an aggravated groan and he raked his fingers through his disheveled hair. "But I have to be on the list to get in an' see her so I can heal her. Which means Rowan has to call them for me."

"Jax, you don't even know if you've got the kind of power to do that."

"She…she's dyin', Dean," Jax sighed in desperation. "I need ta at least try an' save her."

"S-so, this Becca girl is dying an' you're the only one who can help her?" Dean asked, surmising the situation. Jax heard the muffled voice again then heard nothing as he figured Dean covered the phone. "Jax, where are you? I-I'm gonna s-send Jason to pick you up…P-pretty sure his name'll be on the list," Dean explained, returning to the phone.

Jax thought for a moment, he couldn't believe that Dean was helping him. The guy was dying and he was still trying to help Jax. Jax hadn't been paying attention to the name of the motel when they pulled up. His mind had been on one thing, getting to see Becca. "I dunno, it's some motel near the hospital," he replied, remembering how Sam had said they could walk to the hospital in the morning.

"Kay, I'll just have Jason knock on every motel room door within fifteen miles of the hospital until he finds you. I'm sure he won't mind," Dean declared his weary voice laced with sarcasm. "S-so not helpful, Jax. Ask S-Sammy where you are."

"Just a sec," Jax uttered as he peaked out of the bathroom. "Sam, what's the name of the motel we're stayin' at?" He called. Sam looked up from his laptop and gave Jax a questioning look.

"The Stay Asleep Motel," Sam replied, obviously wondering who Jax was talking to in the middle of the night.

"Thanks," Jax replied, forcing a quick smile before shutting the bathroom door behind him again. "It's the Stay Asleep Motel," he replied once the door was safely closed.

"Alright, I'll have him pick you up there within the next hour," Dean muttered, there was a sadness in his voice that had Jax worried he wouldn't get the amulet to Dean in time. "An' when he does, I need you to g-give him my…my amulet."

"Gotcha, Dean…ummm…thanks," Jax hesitated for a moment as a thought occurred to him. If he could heal Becca, why couldn't he heal Dean? Finally, he uttered, "I can save you, Dean. I mean, if Sam knew you were dyin', an' I did nothin'…" His voice trailed off abruptly as he considered the repercussions. _What if he dies? When Sam finds out he'll hate me. He'll hate me, 'cause he knows I coulda helped Dean._

"J-jus' get my amulet back to me an' y-you've saved me," Dean reassured just before the line went dead.

"Dean?" Jax waited a moment, before pocketing his phone and heading out of the bathroom. Patting his other pocket, where he'd been sure he'd find Dean's amulet he felt nothing. Digging his hand into his pocket, he came up empty. A surge of panic overtook him as he checked his other pocket and found only his cell phone. He rushed out of the bathroom and grabbed his duffle bag, throwing it onto his bed and rummaging through it, looking for the clothes he'd been wearing the night he'd taken Dean's amulet. _Maybe I left it in my jeans._ Checking every pocket, he heaved an aggravated sigh after he checked every pocket and came up empty. "Shit."

"Jax? What're ya lookin' for?" Sam asked, hurrying over to Jax's side to help him look. Jax continued looking without responding. "Dude, tell me what you're looking for and I can help you."

"This can't be happening," Jax mumbled as he emptied his duffle onto the bed. "This can't be happening…I have ta find it…he…he needs it or he's gonna…" Jax's voice trailed off as he realized suddenly that Sam was standing next to him.

"What is it, Jax? Who needs it?" Sam asked in a calm voice, noticing his friend's distress.

"It's…it's nothing…just…just something I promised a friend…and now I lost—"

"What is it? Maybe I've seen it," Sam interrupted Jax's evasive answer. Jax stared at him a long moment, his eyes filled with sadness that Sam assumed had to do with Becca. "Is it something for Becca?"

Jax stared at Sam unsure how to proceed. It wasn't like he could just say 'yeah, I'm looking for that amulet your brother used to wear. Have you seen it?' Jax shook his head finally as he answered, "nah, it's just something I told a friend I'd bring him from Vegas, but I guess I lost it." He shrugged, trying to make light of it as he added, "no big deal."

"Jax, you were frantic—"

"Look, I said it was no big deal," Jax insisted as he pushed past Sam, grabbing the keys to the Impala from the table.

"Where ya goin'?" Sam asked worriedly. He wasn't sure why the younger hunter had asked what motel they were staying at, maybe he was getting directions.

"I'm just goin' ta check the car, see if I dropped it in there," Jax replied sounding annoyed. "Don't worry, I'm not runnin' off with yer car."

Nearly an hour later, Jax had searched every place he could think of twice and still come up empty. He racked his brain, trying to figure out where he could have lost it. How could he have lost the one thing that could save Dean? What was he going to tell Dean? Worse, how could he ever explain to Sam that his brother hadn't gone to hell…that he'd still be alive if it hadn't been for him losing Dean's amulet?

Hearing a car pull into the parking lot of the motel, Jax moved quickly to the window, inching back the curtain to peer outside. He saw a cherry red Chevy Nova pull up next to the Impala and knew this must be the guy Dean had sent, Jason. Jax quickly moved to the door as Jason stepped out of his car.

"Jax? Who is that? Where are you going?" Sam asked moving across the room to meet him at the door.

"It's a friend of a friend," Jax offered truthfully, though he wasn't going to tell Sam who Jason was a friend of. "He's on the list to see Becca and can get me in," he added when Sam gave him a questioning look.

"Okay, I'll get my coat," Sam said, hurrying to retrieve his jacket from the back of a chair.

"Umm…actually…I was…he can only get me in tonight…" Jax watched as the older hunter's face fell. Guilt filled the pit of Jax's stomach as he quickly turned and threw open the door before Jason had a chance to knock. "I'll call ya as soon as I have any news," Jax called over his shoulder no longer able to face his friend, knowing his clumsiness had left Dean with no way out of his predicament. Without looking back, he stepped out of the room and quickly shut the door behind him. "C'mon, let's get outta here."

Luke's attempt to calm Becca after their unexpected visitor was greatly helped by the sedative the nurse had given her. Now, both guardians were fast asleep as Jamie sat at the opposite end of the room. Retrieving the amulet he'd pocketed from Jax, he turned over in his hands for a long moment. _Where did you get this, Jax?_ He wondered, knowing that only guardians would possess this particular amulet. He also knew that Jax was not Joshua's new guardian. He'd seen the old man with Joshua at Collin's cabin. So, how did Jax get a hold of this amulet and whose was it for that matter?

Jamie tucked the amulet back into his pocket, intent on finding out what was going on. Though Becca apparently knew the guy, Jamie wasn't about to blindly trust someone from Becca's past. Someone who had not seen her in over six years and who, Rowan had authorized to see her. He knew Rowan and if he'd left Jax's name off the list, there had to be a reason for it.

Jamie would keep his promise to Becca; if Jax came back he would let him in to see her. Yet, there was no way he was giving the amulet back until he knew whose it was and what Jax was doing with it.


	12. Chapter 12

**_It Only Hurts to Breathe_**

**_by: gengen0776_**

_**Chapter notes: **Sorry for the delay...PC problems coupled with real life issues and posting problems on the site have led this to be a very long wait for an update...updates should be pretty steady from her on in..._

**Chapter 12**

"What's wrong with Becca?" Jason asked as Jax slid into the passenger seat of the former Guardian's car.

"Wow, you really cut to that chase, don't ya?" Jax chuckled nervously as he glanced over at the other man. Jason looked tired, five o'clock shadow peppering his tightly clenched jaw. The concern in his clear blue eyes turned Jax serious. "It's her heart…it…it's bad."

"Her heart? But there's nothing wrong with her heart…I mean we hunted together just a few weeks ago, I would have noticed something like that," Jason replied incredulously. He searched his memory for any sign that his friend had been sick, reviewing every injury, every grimace.

"We should get going," Jax suggested, noticing Sam looking out the motel room window at them.

"Y-yeah," Jason mumbled, pulling himself from his thoughts as he gunned the engine, before backing out into the parking lot. "What hospital's she at?" He asked, wondering not for the first time why no one had called him to let him know Becca was in the hospital. _I was supposed to be on vacation,_ he reasoned, _but they still should have called._ He couldn't help but feel hurt. What if Michael had never sent him to get Dean? Would he have known she was dying? Or would he have found out when he got back, when she was already gone?

"Presbyterian hospital just around the corner," Jax replied wondering how close Jason and Becca were. If the other man's reaction was any clue, Jax assumed they were pretty friendly. "Wait…did you say you hunted together?" Jax tried to imagine Becca, the hunter. How much had she changed?

"Uh…yeah…like your friends Winchester," Jason replied, eying Jax as he wondered how well he could possibly know Becca if he didn't know about that. "I thought Dean said you two were close."

"W-we were…once," Jax replied quietly. A sad smile flitted across his lips as he imagined Becca, brandishing a gun and machete. "We…we were neighbors back in high school…before…." Jax's voice trailed off, wondering how much to tell the man sitting next to him. "Before my father died."

"Sorry," Jason replied, with forced sympathy. He was obviously not happy about being sent on this errand for Dean. "Before I forget, you got Dean's amulet?" He turned his expectant gaze to Jax who stared straight ahead avoiding the older man's gaze.

"I…I lost it," Jax blurted out, running his hands nervously through his hair.

"You what?" Jason shouted, causing Jax to flinch slightly. "What the hell? I mean first Dean gets it taken…by you and then you lose the damn thing!"

"I-I'm sorry…I don't…I don't know how it h-happened."

Jason looked over at the younger man with an incredulous huff, ready to lace into him some more for being so irresponsible with someone else's property. Yet when he saw how broken Jax looked sitting there with his face buried in his hands, the words died on his lips. Pulling into the hospital parking lot, he guided the car to a space as far from the entrance as seemed possible and pulled out his cell phone. He needed to let Rowan know that the amulet was a no go.

Though the older Winchester had severely grated on his nerves during their time together, there was no way he wished Dean dead. He wondered what would happen to Joshua if Dean died. Would he just get a new guardian? Would he be left unprotected until the end of Dean's six months? It wasn't like this kind of thing happened all the time or at all before. He jabbed Rowan's number into his cell phone and prepared himself for the onslaught from the vampire.

"Talk to me," replied Rowan's strained voice after only one ring. He'd obviously been waiting for Jason's call.

Jason took a deep breath and glanced over at Jax whose head was still buried in his hands, before speaking. "Rowan we've got a problem," Jason began.

"Tell me something I don't know."

"No, I mean, Jax, he lost it…he lost the amul—"

"Unless you could break the sound barrier gettin' here," Rowan began with a mirthless chuckle. "It's not…not gonna matter m-much anyway…J-jus' make sure he gets to B-Becca…C-can't lose two guard—"

"What's gonna happen to Joshua?" Jason interrupted. "I mean…does he get another guardian now?"

"Jus' take care of Becca an' let me worry 'bout…." Rowan's voice trailed off and Jason could hear Dean screaming out before everything went quiet and all he could hear was Rowan's jagged breathing. "I gotta go," Rowan yelled before the phone went dead.

"H-he's d-dead isn't h-he?" Jax breathed as his hands fell away from his face, revealing the pain etching its way onto his features.

"If he's not he will be soo—"

"Take me to him," Jax interrupted his face lighting with a dim glimmer of hope. "I-I can save him…I-I can heal him." Jason stared at him a moment.

"Y-you can heal him?" he asked incredulously. Jax nodded solemnly, looking Jason pleadingly in the eye. "Even if that were possible," Jason began his hand up to silence the younger man. "You'd have to be able to teleport yourself there. Which I'm guessin' ya can't or you wouldn't have needed me to come down to get ya, now would you?"

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

The feeling began at the base of his neck, distantly familiar as it worked its way around his head like a vice. Sam groaned, closing his eyes and rubbing his temples as images flashed quickly before his eyes.

"_H-he took her…he took B-Becca," Jax's pained voice rang in Sam's ears as his friend's panic-stricken face came into focus. "H-he pretended to be…to be m-me."_

The scene changed as he heard Jax speak again.

"_Where is she?" He heard Jax demand._

Lucifer,_ Sam thought as Jax face faded, and was replaced by another. One that looked almost identical, but immensely different. Nick, but not Nick anymore because now there was a demon inside. Lucifer._

_He watched Lucifer nod toward the room beside him as he replied. "Thought it would be poetic." Lucifer's grin spread further, marring the features of what had been Nick's face into something grotesque and unrecognizable._

The scene changed again, Jax was gone and Sam stood a couple of feet from Lucifer now.

"_Well, well, little Sammy Winchester," Lucifer sneered, his lips pulled back in a toothy grin that robbed Nick's face of any humanity. "Did you really think a Devil's trap would hold me? Come on now, you know I'm stronger than that," the demon tsked as he stepped out of the symbol drawn around his feet. _

"_Yeah," Sam shrugged a grin creeping to his lips. "But I don't need it to stop you," he added lifting his hand, his palm facing outward as he concentrated every fiber of his being on sending the fallen angel back to Hell. _

"_Sammy, Sammy, Sammy," Lucifer shook his head with mock disappointment. "Now, you know you can't kill m—"_

"_No, probably not…but I can hurt you a helluva lot," Sam interrupted, turning his hand slightly. He watched the demon's eyes widen in disbelief as its hands moved to its chest. "Betcha didn't know that." Sam cocked his eyebrow as he moved closer to Lucifer._

"_N-no…no-no-no…Baby…Red c'mon now…c'mon Bec breathe…" They heard Jax shout from behind the closed door of the room next to them. Sam ticked his gaze back to Luke to see if the other man had heard it too. The anguished look on the other man's face answered Sam's unspoken question. _

_Lucifer was grinning when Sam turned back to him and Sam realized that his momentary lapse in attention had weakened his hold on Lucifer allowing the demon to regroup. "Sammy, Sammy, Sammy," the demon sing-songed as he cocked his head to the side and looked past him to where Luke and Killeon were._

_Sam heard Luke cry out as he heard something, he knew must be Luke, crash into the wall behind him. "You really aren't ready to play in the big leagues…Dean would be so disappointed," the demon added as he swung his gaze back to look at Sam. _

_Sam felt an invisible force slam into him and throw him against the wall. Yet he smiled despite the searing pain in his chest as he heard Jax's voice again, this time calling out in triumph, "Th-that's it…B-baby."_

_&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&_

Jax strode hesitantly into the hospital behind Jason. He didn't think his chances were very good that there had been a shift change since he'd last been there and so he wasn't surprised when the nurse at the front desk looked up at him in disbelief.

"You? But…I-I need to make a call," the nurse stammered as she turned away from Jax and Jason and whispered into the telephone.

"Looks like you made a _great_ first impression," Jason muttered to Jax as he scrubbed a hand across his tired face. He looked over at Jax when the younger man didn't respond, noticing the pained expression on Jax's face. "Is there a problem?" He asked turning back to the nurse as he heard her hang up the telephone.

"Uh, n-no not at all…just wait here someone will be right down," the nurse replied, her gaze ticking nervously between Jason and Jax.

"Okay, cause I'm sure my name's on the list," Jason assured, forcing a reassuring smile. "So, no need to call security or anything."

"N-no of course not."

A soft knock at the door broke the tense atmosphere that had settled on Becca's hospital room. Jamie and Luke stood aside as Becca's friend Jax spoke softly to her at her bedside. Looking at Luke, Jamie could see the pain the newcomer's proximity was causing his friend. He longed to "show" the man out again as he had earlier, but he had promised Becca that if her friend returned he would let him in to see her.

He moved to the door now to with Luke close behind. He knew his friend was longing for a reason to leave the room and not be forced to bear witness to the woman he loved smiling and whispering softly to another man. A man whose name she had mumbled as she lay dying in that woods a few nights earlier.

Opening the door, Jamie was greeted by the floor nurse looking flustered as she forced a smile. "Is something wrong?" Jamie asked as Luke came to stand at his side blocking the nurse from Becca and her guest's view.

The nurse looked from Jamie to Luke and then past them at Jax, before responding, "There's a bit of a situation downstairs, I thought y-you might want to look into it," she explained cryptically as she gazed again at Jax and Becca, who had turned to look their way.

"It-it's okay…y-you guys go check it out…I-I'll be f-fine…" Becca assured with a tired smile. "I-I've got J-Jax here with m-me," she added turning to smile adoringly up at the younger man.

Jamie looked away, turning his attention Luke who was looking more broken by the minute. "Sure, let's go see what's going on." Jamie followed the nurse out into the hall, tugging on his friend's arm to get him to follow. Luke hesitated a moment, but moved to join Jamie as Becca giggled at something Jax whispered in her ear.

Jabbing the call button a little harder than necessary, Luke turned to Jamie. "Wh-what am I gonna do? I mean s-she obviously remembers h-him…and c-cares f-fer him…what if she n-never…?" Luke's anguished voice trailed off as the elevator rang its arrival and they stepped inside.

"She will, man," Jamie assured, hating to see his friend hurting. "Becca loves _you_ man, this guy from her past…he's nobody. I mean she's never mentioned the guy in all the time we've known her…that's gotta mean something, right?"

"She said his name the other night…w-when she w-was…." Luke reminded, his voice trailing off again as he remembered how close he'd come to losing Becca that night and now he felt like he was losing her all over again.

"That doesn't mean she loves this Ja—" Jamie's words came to an abrupt halt as the elevator doors slid open and he saw Jason standing there waiting with Jax standing beside him. "Y-you…but you were…."

"Wow, you really did make an impression last time you were here," Jason chimed noting the bewildered look on Jamie's face. "I've never seen Jamie at a loss for words."

"You were upstairs," Luke asserted as he stepped out of the elevator towards Jax. "H-how did ya get down 'ere so fast?" He asked his Irish lilt coloring his tired words.

Jax stared at Luke for a long moment, noting the sorrow in the Irishman's eyes. "What? I-I just came in with Jason."

"C'mon man, don't make me beat yer—" Realization dawned on Jamie's face as he studied the purplish bruise along Jax's jaw where he'd hit him earlier. Suddenly, he realized the man upstairs with Becca didn't have a bruise there. He cursed himself for not noticing it. This was the man he'd fought with earlier, this was Jax Callio. "If yer here, who the hell is upstairs?" So who or what was upstairs? A shape shifter or some other kind of demon?

Jax fought to control the rising panic within him as he recognized the situation. He suddenly understood that the nurse hadn't been spooked by him because of his earlier visit, but because she believed he was already there. _Because Ni-Lucifer, is upstairs with Becca, _he thought. "W-we have to get upstairs," Jax stammered, reaching past Jamie to hit the call button for the elevator.

"Who's upstairs?" Jamie repeated as he watched Jax jab the call button, growing more frantic with each passing second.

"It…it's…" Jax hesitated. There was no way he was going to tell them that Nick was Lucifer's meat puppet. Before he could figure out how to respond the elevator rang it's arrival. "Look, I dunno who's up there, but they're running around with my face and they're with Becca…So what'dya say we go get some answers?" With that Jax stepped past the other hunters into the elevator and watched as the three men followed.

"Could be a shapeshifter," Jason offered and the other men murmured their agreement as they rode up to the third floor. "Don't suppose anyone has a gun with silver bull—"

Everyone followed Jason's gaze to the nurse's station where the pretty brunette nurse lay slumped against her desk, her eyes staring unnervingly ahead as blood pooled around her cheek.

"Sh-shit," Jamie breathed regretting that he'd left his weapons in the car. Luke stood frozen for a second, before rushing down the hall toward Becca's room. "Luke, wait!" Jamie called after his friend, worried he'd do something rash. Not that Jamie was a stranger to the shoot-first-ask-questions-later way of doing things, but rushing in unarmed against an unknown foe could get his friend killed.

"Oh God…No…Becca!" Luke cried out, sending the other hunters racing after him. They found Luke gripping the doorframe as he stared at the bloody hand print one the wall next to Becca's empty hospital bed.

_Oh God, Red what have I done?_ Jax thought as he remembered his hesitation to kill Lucifer for fear of hurting his little brother. Had that moment of indecision cost Becca her life?

**_End Notes:_**

_So I hope you are still enjoying this...if you are please drop me a line...Reviews are like peanut M&Ms and I gave up chocolate for lent so...:D_


	13. Chapter 13

**_It Only Hurts to Breathe_**

**_by: gengen0776_**

**Chapter 13**

"C-cold," Becca mumbled as she awoke shivering. Why was it so cold? Why didn't she have a blanket? Her muddled mind struggled to understand.

"I know, Red," came Jax's soothing voice from beside her. Slowly, she opened her eyes and took in her surroundings. She was in the passenger's seat of a car she assumed belonged to Jax.

"Wha-where are we?" Becca mumbled, trying to remember how she'd ended up in this car. Why was she out of the hospital? Glancing down, she frowned, noticing she still wore her hospital gown. "Wh-what's going on?"

"I'm taking you home," Jax offered cryptically. "You said you wanted to go home, didn't ya?" he added, reminding her of their earlier conversation.

"B-but the doctor said—"

"I changed his mind," Jax interrupted with a grin.

Something in the way he looked at her, something in his eyes sent an uneasy feeling through Becca that she couldn't quite understand. She gasped as her heart clenched painfully in her chest. "M-maybe…y-you sh-should…bring m-me…b-back," she managed through panted breaths.

"C'mon now, Becs. I went through all this trouble to get you out." Becca looked up at the man next to her, as though seeing him for the first time. Suddenly she realized what she should have known all along. This wasn't Jax, it couldn't be. Jax never called her Becs, everyone else, but not Jax. She also knew that Jax would never have agreed to let her leave the hospital against doctor's orders. And he would certainly never refuse to bring her back if she asked him.

"Wh-where are my clothes?" she asked, trying to keep the fear surging through her from her voice. Her heart hammered painfully in her chest as she considered who the man next to her could be and what his intentions were.

"You'll change when we get there," the faux-Jax replied, his growing impatience coloring his voice. "Guess I can drop the act now," he added with a wink.

"Wh-what act?" Becca stammered, trying hard to think of a way out of her situation as her heart clenched again and black spots blurred her vision.

"Oh, c'mon, Becs. You're a smart girl, you've figured it out." He reached out and touched her cheek, watching as she struggled against her instinctual need to shy away from him and her desire to keep the façade going.

"I-I don't kn-know what you…" Becca's voice trailed off as she studied the man's outstretched right hand. The black leather bracelet she'd given Jax, the one his lawyers had fought for him to be allowed to keep in jail, was not there and neither were the scars it kept hidden. "W-what do you want from me, N-nick? Why'd y-you pretend to be Jax?" She demanded, forcing more strength into her voice than she actually felt. Her heart constricted again, feeling as though someone were gripping it tightly, and Becca's vision swam again.

"There ya go, you've almost got it," Nick encouraged, caressing her cheek as she blinked several times, trying to focus on him. "C'mon now, stay with me Becs, the fun's just starting," he added as her eyes slid closed and her head lolled against the head rest. Slipping his fingers to her neck, he checked her pulse, finding it weak and slightly erratic. "Don't you die on me yet, just hold on a little longer," he murmured as he pulled the car into the driveway of a deserted-looking house. A dark-haired man stood, leaning against a black hummer parked on the overgrown lawn.

"Sam!" Jax called as he entered the motel room with Luke close at his heels. After finding Becca gone, the four hunters had split up to search for her. Jason and Jamie mentioned something about going to head quarters, while Luke had been adamant about remaining with Jax. Jax had watched as Jamie had taken his friend aside and tried to sway his decision and Jax was beginning to wish he had. It was becoming quite unnerving to have the other man follow him so closely.

Jax moved further into room when Sam didn't reply, beginning to worry what the older hunter might have done while left to his own devices. Jax knew the road trip cross country and listening to him stroll down memory lane had been a welcome distraction for the youngest Winchester and Sam had been nothing but supportive through the whole thing. Jax worried that his early rebuff had been a stab in the back to Sam. What if it had pushed him over that edge again? What if he did something rash while Jax was gone?

As these thoughts swirled in Jax's mind his gaze fell on Sam's prone form, face down on the floor. "Oh God, Sam," he breathed, rushing to his friend's side. Jax feared the worst as he turned him over.

"Is he all right?" Luke asked from behind him as Jax touched his fingers to Sam's neck, feeling for a pulse. Jax sighed with relief as he felt strong and steady strumming of Sam's pulse against his fingers.

"Sam," he called softly, ignoring Luke's question as he gently tapped Sam's face. "C'mon, Sammy, I need yer help."

"D-don't call me Sammy," the older hunter growled as he opened his eyes, bringing a smile to Jax's face. He offered Sam a hand to help him up, but Sam swiftly swatted it away as he pulled himself up to sit against the bed. Rolling his neck as he massaged his temples, trying to rid himself of the last of the vision-born migraine, Sam noticed Luke standing a few feet away. "Who the hell are you?" He groused, realizing this wasn't the same man Jax had left with. Recognition dawned as a flash from his vision replayed in his mind's eye.

"I'm Luke, Luke Derringer," the man replied and Sam detected a slight Irish lilt to the man's words. Glancing from Luke back to Jax, Sam recognized the look on the younger man's face.

"H-he took her…he took B-Becca," Jax's pained voice rang in Sam's ears the same as it had in his vision. "H-he pretended to be…to be m-me," Jax added brokenly as he slid to the floor, leaning against the bed opposite Sam.

"I know," Sam replied simply, garnering the full attention of both men. "I had a vision…why else did ya think I was lyin' on the floor?"

"What'd you see?" Jax and Luke asked in unison. Sam watched as Jax straightened up, the hopelessness he'd witnessed moments before lifted from the younger man's shoulders.

"Well, I saw you tellin' me that he took her," Sam began, wondering how much he should reveal to Jax's new friend. Did he know that Jax's brother was the one who'd taken Becca? _Well, Lucifer prancing around as Nick._ Sam corrected as he looked again from Luke to Jax, who both watched him expectantly. "Then I saw you talkin' to him—"

"What'd he say?" Jax asked, leaning forward slightly as he impatiently waited for Sam to continue.

"And who is he?" Luke asked, glancing between the two other hunters noting the understanding between them.

"The guy who took Becca," Sam replied evasively. "We were in this house an' he pointed to a room next to him and said he thought it'd be poetic, when you asked where she was."

"Poetic?" Luke looked at Jax suspiciously. "Do you know this guy?" he demanded, anger brewing within him at the thought that Jax may have led this man to Becca and put her in danger.

"He's…he's got her at my house…m-my p-parents h-house," Jax stammered, ticking his glance to the black leather bracelet on his wrist. He hadn't set foot in his childhood house since he'd been imprisoned for his father's murder and knew Lucifer meant that Becca would be in his parents' room. Poetic because he would lose the only two women he'd ever loved in the same room. "What're we waitin' for, let's go!" he called, jumping to his feet and rushing toward the door.

"Wait," Sam and Luke called after him.

"Come with me, stay here I really don't care…I'm goin'," Jax called over his shoulder as he palmed the keys to the Impala from Sam's bedside table while the other two men hurried to catch up.

"I should call the others, let'em know where we're goin'," Luke suggested as they stepped to the Impala.

"Sure, buddy you call the Scooby gang and let'em know Sam here had a vision and we're followin' it up," Jax spat as he pulled open the driver's side door.

"Jax, gimme the keys," Sam demanded, his hand outstretched waiting for the younger man to comply.

"Why?" Jax asked incredulously. "So we can wait for his little buddies to come along?"

Sam shook his head. "No, I'm drivin' so we actually make it there in one piece. You're too tightly wound to drive. Besides Dean'd kill me if you trashed his…" Sam's voice trailed off as he realized what he'd said. "Jus' gimme the keys."

Jax's heart clenched painfully in his chest as he realized that Dean was probably dead now and it was at least partially his fault. He watched the pain flit across Sam's features as the older hunter unwittingly mentioned his brother and knew that there would be no reprieve from that pain for his friend. _Because of me, _Jax thought, sadness weighing heavily against his chest as he handed Sam the keys and circled around the car. "You comin', Sparky?" he asked Luke as he passed him.

"He's there with someone else, a vampire I think," Sam informed minutes later as they were racing down the highway toward Jax's old neighborhood. "So we should find a funeral home to get some dead man's blood," he suggested, all-business now.

"There's one a few blocks from the house," Jax muttered, not liking that they'd have to make a stop before getting to Becca. "What else did ya see, Sam? Did you see if I healed her?" Jax asked, doubt beginning to creep into his bones. What if he couldn't save her? What is he just got there in time to watch her die?

"Y-you can h-heal her?" Luke asked from the back seat. Jax recognized the emotion coloring the other man's voice. Luke loved Becca, possibly as much as Jax did.

"I-I hope so," Jax offered weakly, suddenly understanding why Luke had insisted on sticking with him. He knew that Jax loved Becca, too and that like him he would do anything to save her. "How'd you and Becca meet?" He asked, wondering if Becca would even remember her feelings for him when it was obvious that Luke was in her life now.

"S-she saved my life once," Luke replied cryptically with a nostalgic smile.

Killeon breathed in deeply the scent of the unconscious woman in his arms as he carried her into the house. He sighed, hunger surging inside of him as he listened to the faltering sound of her heart beat.

"Even the smallest bite an' your head will be hangin' on a pike in the deepest bowels of Hell for all eternity," Lucifer warned as Killeon leaned closer to Becca with his fangs at the ready, stopping the vampire in his tracks. "Now, take her into the far bedroom," he ordered following the vampire into the room he knew had once been that of Jax's parents. The room where his mother, spurred on by the torture he'd inflicted on her in the guise of her husband, had shot herself in the head. He remembered how impressed he'd been with the woman's strength, and at how long she'd held out against him.

As Killeon held her hands above the bar in the closet, Lucifer carefully knotted a piece of rope around them. Once her hands were secured, Killeon let her go and she slumped forward, moaning softly as he head lolled against her shoulder and her eyes fluttered open. "W-who are…y-you?" she breathed, eying Killeon a moment, before her eyes slid closed again.

"Still beatin'," Killeon commented as Lucifer gave him a questioning look, knowing that Killeon could hear her faltering hear beat without having to check. Sparing one last glance at the ailing guardian, Killeon turned to leave. "Delicious legs," he added as he strode past Lucifer.

Jax jumped from the Impala, before Sam had brought it to a full stop, and rushed up the walk. He struggled to ignore the memories, good and bad, that seeing his childhood home brought back as he hurried to the door. He could hear Sam and Luke, behind him, calling for him to wait, but he ignored them.

He burst through the unlocked door, unarmed. Lucifer was inside with Becca and he knew that no weapon could really harm the demon using his brother for a meat puppet. Jax's power, though still unpredictable and somewhat unknown, was still his only hope to save the woman he loved.

Lucifer stood in the hall, grinning smugly as he watched Jax charge in empty-handed. "Nice of you to join us, Bro," the demon smiled, spreading his arms out in a welcoming gesture. "Now the party can really get started," he added as Killeon stepped from the kitchen.

"He knew you'd come. Me, I wasn't sure you were that stupid…I guess brother knows bes—"

"That's not my brother," Jax growled, feeling a hand on his shoulder as he prepared to launch himself at the demon that had destroyed his family. Jax knew without looking it was Sam's hand on his shoulder. He knew it was meant as an attempt to keep him from doing something rash. Yet Jax chose to believe that the gesture was Sam's way of letting him know he had his back. Either way, he knew Sam would have his back in the end and so would Luke, who was there to save the woman he loved. Jax tried to forget, for the moment, that they happened to love the same woman. There would be time enough to deal with all that after Becca was safe and sound and Jax had had a chance to heal her.

"You brought some friends, I see," Lucifer nodded to the two hunters blocking the doorway behind Jax. "Sammy, you seem to be a magnet for a lost cause…First Dean…oh he says 'hey' by the way…and now Jax." Lucifer shook his head in mock disapproval.

"He wanted ta watch me whoop yer ass," Jax said with a grin, wanting nothing more than to turn to his friend and tell him the demon was lying that his brother was not in Hell, though not so much alive and well anymore. Instead he cocked his eyebrow and added, "told him it wouldn't be much of a fight though, we already know I'm more powerful than you."

Lucifer mirrored Jax's grin as he replied, "Ah, but can you afford to waste any of that power on me, when you're here to save the girl?"

Jax's bravado faltered as the demon's words left him wondering. Would he be able to heal Becca if he fought Lucifer? He remembered how draining it had been to fight the demon the last time they'd met. Could he really chance using up whatever stores of power he had?

"Dunno, how much longer she'll last," Lucifer taunted.

"Yeah, her heart beat is getting pretty weak, I can barely hear it," Killeon added, obviously enjoying Jax's discomfort.

"Where is she?" Jax asked though he already knew.

Lucifer nodded toward what had been Jax's parent's room. "Thought it would be poetic." Lucifer's grin spread further, marring the features of what had been Nick's face into something grotesque and unrecognizable.

Jax closed his eyes, willing away the images of his mother's broken and bloodied form laying in Nick's arms. As he opened his eyes again, Jax rushed at Lucifer, catching the demon off guard and pinning him against the wall next to the open door of his parents' room. "I'm gonna kill you," Jax snarled, his face inches from Lucifer's. He could hear some movement behind him and knew, without looking, that either Sam, or Luke, or maybe both, had stepped in to stop Killeon from attacking him from behind.

"But to do that, you'll have to use your powers and then you won't have enough to save your precious 'Red'," Lucifer spat, bringing his face even closer to Jax's.

"I don't believe you."

"Would I lie to ya, Bro?" Lucifer smiled as he felt Jax's hand tighten around his throat.

"I think yer bluffin'…I think I could kill ya without breakin' a sweat and have plenty of power left over ta heal Becca and maybe a whole hospital ward." As he said these words, Jax could feel the power coursing through him as the hand around Lucifer's neck began to glow. He watched in satisfaction as the demon's grin turned into a grimace of pain.

"Jax," Sam's voice came from behind him, calm and steady. "Go heal Becca," he whispered, placing a hand on Jax's now glowing arm. "He could be taunting you into wasting your power so you can't heal her," Sam reasoned. Jax turned slowly to look at him, disbelief etching his features as he realized that Sam was agreeing, on some level with Lucifer. Did this mean that Sam didn't think his power was strong enough? Had he seen him fail in his vision? "Demons do lie…but sometimes they tell the truth…especially when they know it can work to their advantage." Sam waited a moment as Jax processed his words, before adding. "Besides, I got this. He's not going anywhere and you can finish him off after you save yer girl."

Jax stared at Sam a long moment, his need to save Becca warring with his need to kill Lucifer. In the end, he knew that Sam was right, it wasn't worth chancing it. Becca's life was much more important to him than Lucifer's death. He gave Sam a questioning look as the older hunter bent and began drawing a devil's trap around Lucifer and Jax's feet, answering Jax's unasked question of how Sam would be able to hold the demon there.

When he'd finished, Sam quickly stood, giving Jax a reassuring nod. "Go on, we got this," he assured, glancing over at Luke who had managed to incapacitate Killeon with a little dead man's blood long enough to tie him to a chair. He was now weakening the vampire further by slicing shallow cuts along Killeon's arms with the same knife carefully dipping it in a small bottle of dead man's blood before every slash. Hearing Sam's words, Luke looked up. His gaze met Jax's pleading with him without words to save the woman he loved. Jax gave a quick nod before turning away from the other two hunters and facing the scene in his parent's old room.

The room was empty, as was most of the rest of the house. They'd sold most of the furnishings to pay for some of Jax's court fees before Nick had gone to live with Pastor Jim. The doors to the closet at the back of the room had been removed and were leaned up against the opposite wall. Becca was inside the closet dressed in only a hospital gown, hanging with her hands tied to the bar inside. Jax could tell it was the only thing keeping her from collapsing. Her head lolled against her chest as she struggled to breathe.

Jax closed the door behind him and hurried to Becca's side as a pain-filled moan erupted from her lips. "It's okay, Baby. I'm here now, everything's gonna be okay," he soothed as he approached.

Becca struggled weakly against her bonds, her breathing becoming more erratic and labored as she shied away from Jax. "L-lying," she mumbled. "N-not gonna …f-fall…for it ag-gain…y-you're N-Nick."

"Red, it's me…I swear," Jax pleaded. His heart broke as he reached out to touch Becca's cheek and she recoiled from his touch. He searched for some way to convince her. "Look," he directed as he pulled his hair back from his forehead, exposing a raised scar along his hairline.

Becca studied the scar for a moment, but continued to shy away from him. She flinched as he raise his right arm to show her the black leather bracelet she'd given him, knowing it didn't prove it was him, and snapped it off, exposing the shameful scars it hid. She eyed it hesitantly, glancing between them and the scar on his forehead and finally gazed into his eyes. "S-Sunsh-shine," she murmured, a weak smile playing on her pale lips. Her eyes clenched closed and she grimaced as soft moan slipped from her lips. "H-hurts."

Jax slid an arm around her waist as his free hand worked to untie her hands. "I know, Baby…I-I'm gonna make that better…I promise," he whispered as he scooped her up into his arms and moved toward the door. "But first I gotta get you outta he—"

His words were cut short by Becca's pained gasp as she contorted in his arms, her body taut as she fought the pain in her chest. Before Jax could react to her discomfort, her body went limp in his arms. "B-Becca?" Fear gripped his heart as he eased her gently to the ground. Leaning his head against her chest, he couldn't hear her heart. Placing his shaking fingers against her neck he searched for a pulse and found a very weak one. "N-no…no-no-no…Baby…Red c'mon now…c'mon Bec breathe…" Jax shouted, panic overwhelming him. "P-please," his voice trailed off to a whisper as he leaned his ear against her chest and heard the sound of her faltering heartbeat. "H-hang on Baby…I-I can d-do this…I-I c-can…" Hands shaking, Jax pulled away from Becca's still form and took a deep breath in an effort to calm himself. He tried to convince himself that there was no difference between healing the small cut on Sam's cheek and healing Becca's ailing heart.

Slipping his left arm beneath Becca's shoulders and pulling her close to him, he placed his right hand over her heart. He closed his eyes, concentrating on an image of her heart in his mind and then…nothing happened. He opened his eyes and stared down at his hand in disbelief. What was wrong? Had something happened to his power? Was she too far gone? His mind raced with the possible reasons for his power's no show. "I-I'm s-sorry…R-Red…I-I th-thought…I-I l-love you…" He sobbed, crushing her wilting form against his chest. As he buried his face in her hair, breathing in her scent as a warm sensation filled his chest. Becca gasped as Jax felt his heart clench in his chest. _It's working! _"Th-that's it…B-baby." Jax's hold on Becca loosened as his breath caught in his throat.


	14. Chapter 14

**_It Only Hurts to Breathe_**

**_by: gengen0776_**

**Chapter 14**

"Well, well, little Sammy Winchester," Lucifer sneered after Jax closed the bedroom door, his lips pulled back in a toothy grin that robbed Nick's face of any humanity. "Did you really think a Devil's trap would hold me? Come on now, you know I'm stronger than that," the demon tsked as he stepped out of the symbol drawn around his feet.

"Yeah," Sam shrugged, a grin creeping to his lips. "But I don't need it to stop you," he added, lifting his hand, palm facing outward as he concentrated every fiber of his being on sending the fallen angel back to Hell.

"Sammy, Sammy, Sammy," Lucifer shook his head with mock disappointment. "Now, you know you can't kill m—"

"No, probably not…but I can hurt you a helluva lot," Sam interrupted, turning his hand slightly. He watched the demon's eyes widen in disbelief as its hands moved to its chest. "Betcha didn't know that." Sam cocked his eyebrow as he moved closer to Lucifer.

"N-no…no-no-no…Baby…Red c'mon now…c'mon Bec breathe…" They heard Jax shout from behind the closed door of the room next to them. Sam ticked his gaze back to Luke to see if the other man had heard it too. Luke stood frozen, dead man's blood dripping from the knife that hovered just above the vampire's bound right arm. The anguished look on the other man's face answered Sam's unspoken question.

Lucifer was grinning when Sam turned back to him and Sam realized that his momentary lapse in attention had weakened his hold on Lucifer, allowing the demon to regroup. "Sammy, Sammy, Sammy," the demon sing-songed as he cocked his head to the side and looked past him to where Luke and Killeon were.

Sam heard Luke cry out as he heard something; he knew must be Luke, crash into the window behind him. "You really aren't ready to play in the big leagues…Dean would be so disappointed," the demon added as he swung his gaze back to look at Sam.

Sam felt an invisible force slam into him and throw him against the wall. Yet he smiled, despite the searing pain in his chest as he heard Jax's voice again, this time calling out in triumph, "Th-that's it…B-baby."

"Ya know you didn't have to slam me against the wall, too," Killeon muttered from further down the wall. "All that power, you'd think you could use a little finesse and just untie me or something," the vampire continued to rant without realizing that Lucifer wasn't paying attention to him. The demon's eyes stared in disbelief at the bright light shining from under the bedroom door.

"Looks…l-like I'm not the only one…w-who's out of his l-league," Sam taunted as he used the wall behind him to push himself up. "Y-you should really ch-check the roster b-before you step onto the f-field," he added as he clutched his throbbing chest. "Pretty s-sure Dean wouldn't b-be too disappointed 'bout th-that though." A smirk spread across Sam's face as he thought of how much Dean would enjoy seeing the look on the demon's face.

Lucifer looked up at Sam, anger flaring in his eyes. "You don't know what you're talkin' about," the demon growled.

"Don't I?" Sam countered, arching his right eyebrow as his eyes began to glow an intense shade of blue. Sam watched as Lucifer's eyes widened incredulously. "You know he's more powerful than you, he just doesn't realize it yet."

"An' he never will," the demon sneered, seeming suddenly to recompose himself as he watched Sam sway. "'Cause you're not gonna help him figure it out." Lucifer's hand shot out, slamming Sam into the wall again with the same invisible force. Only this time it was much harder, Sam's head connected painfully with the wall behind him, leaving him seeing stars and the wall dented by his head.

"What'dya g-gonna d-do, k-kill me?" Sam slurred as he struggled to blink back the black spots blurring his vision. He legs gave way beneath him and he felt himself slide down against the wall behind him. He watched helplessly as Lucifer stepped closer to him, standing over him with a menacing grin. Sam managed to grin back, welcoming the end the demon was about to offer him.

"Oh no, I've got something else in mind for you, Sammy," Lucifer sneered, leaning closer to Sam as he mumbled something that sounded like Latin but Sam's muddled mind couldn't process it. Sam squinted as bright light began to glow from Lucifer's fingers before the demon touched them to Sam's temple. "I just need you to take a little nap…while I take care of our friend Jax." Sam heard the demon whisper in his ear as darkness filled with voices having conversations he couldn't quite make out crept in and overtook him.

"Nice of you to join us, Bro. Now the party can really get started."

"He knew you'd come. Me, I wasn't sure you were that stupid…I guess brother knows bes—"

"That's not my brother."

_Brother, _Luke thought as he continued to listen to the exchange between Jax and his double. Could this man, the man who'd taken Becca, who'd put her life in even more danger, really be Jax's brother?

"Dunno, how much longer she'll last," Jax's double taunted.

"Yeah, her heart beat is getting pretty weak, I can barely hear it."

Luke's heart clenched painfully in his chest as he thought of Becca holed up somewhere in the house, alone, dying and in pain. Anger surged through him, but still he waited, he'd be no use to her if he rushed into this. He was obviously out of the loop and didn't know what he was up against. _Not like I could help her anyway,_ he thought knowing that there wasn't much more he could do but watch her die.

Things moved quickly, Jax's double speaking the words Sam had predicted about Becca being somewhere he thought would be poetic. And then Jax was rushing at the other man pinning him to the wall. Luke moved swiftly to incapacitate the vampire who seemed to have forgotten he was there. Dipping his knife in the jar of dead man's blood they'd procured from the funeral home a few blocks away, he rushed at the vampire. Catching the vampire from behind as he moved to help Jax's double, Luke stabbed it through its back with enough force to reach the bloodsucker's heart.

As the vampire's heart pumped the dead man's blood through its body, temporarily disabling it, Luke quickly grabbed a chair from the kitchen and tied the vampire to it. Then set about slicing its skin with the dead man's blood dipped knife to keep it immobilized. As he worked he listened to the exchange between Jax and his lookalike and then as Sam jumped in.

"Demons do lie…but sometimes they tell the truth…especially when they know it can work to their advantage." He heard Sam say. So this was Jax's brother, possessed by a demon. Suddenly, it made sense to Luke. He knew why Jax had hesitated at the hospital to share this information with a bunch of hunters. Obviously Sam knew, but they'd continued to protect Jax's brother. There was always that hope, the hope that someone possessed could be saved and Jax wasn't willing to chance that with hunters he didn't know. Yet as Luke watched Jax with his brother, he knew that Jax would kill his brother if it meant saving Becca.

"Go on, we got this." He looked up as he heard Sam speak these words. As Jax's eyes met his he pleaded without words to the other man to save Becca, save the woman he loved. He watched Jax enter the room the demon had indicated and close the door. He tried not to envy Jax the fact that he could help Becca, while all Luke could do was stand by helplessly as she died. Instead he prayed that it would work. Sam had never answered Jax's question in the car and Luke was left with a seed of doubt, a thought that it wouldn't work. He fought against the overwhelming need brewing within him to rush to Becca's side, afraid that Jax would fail and he would never have the chance to say good bye.

Luke listened absently to the demon as it set about taunting Sam, straining to hear what was happening behind the closed door where Jax had retreated.

"N-no…no-no-no…Baby…Red c'mon now…c'mon Bec breathe…" He heard Jax shout and froze as dead man's blood dripped from the knife that he held just above the vampire's arm. He felt his legs grow weak as the meaning of Jax's words came crashing down on him. He knew the sorrow in Jax's voice, knew it could only mean one thing. Jax was too late, they were too late. Becca was gone. Sam looked over at him then, his eyes filled with sympathy.

"Sammy, Sammy, Sammy." Luke heard the demon sing-song as an invisible force sent him and the vampire flying across the room. The sound of shattering glass filled his ears as his body connected with the front window. He cried out as pain ripped through his back and abdomen. He glanced down, noting the large shard of glass protruding from his belly.

"Ya know you didn't have to slam me against the wall, too," the vampire muttered from beside him as he watched the blood pouring from him. "All that power, you'd think you could use a little finesse and just untie me or something," the vampire continued to rant as it untangled itself from the now broken chair Luke had tied it to. The vampire looked up at Luke with a wide grin. "Oooh, that's gotta hurt," it laughed as it sauntered closer to him. "I mean…all that blood."

"N-Nah…it's j-justa…scratch," Luke replied summoning all his strength as he gripped the knife that he'd somehow managed to hold on to tightly in his hand and took a halting step toward the vampire. "N-now, w-where were…w-we," He panted as he forced a grin.

"You've got spirit Irishman," the vampire chuckled as he watched Luke sway. "I like that in a snack." He lunged at Luke, laughing as the hunter buried the knife deep into his chest. "Ouch," he chortled as he looked down at the offending object as though it were a mosquito, before pulling it from his chest and throwing it aside. "Looks like there wasn't any dead man's blood on that anymore."

The vampire swiftly snatched Luke up by his shirt, slamming him against the wall beside the broken window. Luke cried out again, pain wracking his body as he blinked his eyes against the dark spots that swam in and out of his vision.

"Oh is this bothering you?" the vampire asked, motioning to the shard of glass in Luke's stomach. "Lemme get that for you," he added, viciously yanking the shard from Luke's body. The vampire laughed as Luke gasped in pain, clutching the gash as his legs gave out beneath him and he slid down against the wall. "Mmm…all this blood is makin' me…" the vampire's voice trailed off as he licked Luke's blood from the glass shard and its fangs erupted from its gums. "Hungry," the vampire growled as it bent and effortlessly lifted Luke, pulling the hunter into its ravenous embrace.

GGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG

Jax carefully laid Becca onto the floor as he felt himself weaken under the strain of healing her ailing heart. His heart clenched painfully again and Jax suddenly wondered if he'd have enough strength to save his love. He struggled to keep his glowing hand over Becca's heart as he slumped to the ground next to her.

Then as suddenly as it began the warm sensation within him subsided as did the glowing. Leaving Jax with a cold feeling inside as he lay motionless beside Becca. He took a slow deep breath as he tried to calm his rapidly beating heart now that the debilitating pain in his chest had subsided.

Hearing a crash and the sound of shattering glass from beyond the door, Jax bolted into sitting position, clutching his head as the room spun around him. He slowly shook his head and closed his eyes, willing the room to right itself. He needed to know Sam was all right.

"J-Jax?" Becca whispered hoarsely from beside him. He glanced over at her frail form, studying her for a long moment.

"You're cold," he breathed as he watched her shiver wearing nothing but a hospital gown. Anger swelled inside of him as he was reminded of the man, no thing, responsible was just outside the door. He pulled off the flannel shirt he wore and draped it over her. "Just rest okay, baby. I'll be right back," he promised as he stood and stumbled unsteadily to the door.

"Oh no, I've got something else in mind for you, Sammy," Lucifer sneered, leaning closer to Sam as he mumbled something that sounded like Latin. Jax gasped as light began to glow from Lucifer's fingers before the demon touched them to Sam's temple. He watched as Lucifer whispered something in Sam's ear that he couldn't make out and Sam slumped against the wall, his chin lolling against his chest.

"You sonuvabitch, what'd you do to him?" Jax growled, pulling the door closed behind him as he took a shaky step forward. Anger and fear coursed through him as he worried that Lucifer had killed his only friend.

"What? Come on, big brother, where'd the fun be if I told ya?" Lucifer grinned as he stepped away from Sam's motionless body. "Killeon, let's go," he called to the vampire as he strode confidently toward the door.

"I'm gonna kill you," Jax snarled, lifting his hand as he concentrated his still under-defined power on stopping the demon from leaving. He watched as his hand glowed brightly, causing Lucifer and Killeon to shield their eyes. As the radiant light enveloped the room, Jax staggered toward Sam. Everything went eerily quiet as Jax collapsed next to his friend and the light emanating from him began to dim. "Sonuvabit—" Jax slurred as he saw that Lucifer and Killeon were both gone and the encroaching darkness and exhaustion overtook him.


	15. Chapter 15

**_It Only Hurts to Breathe_**

**_by gengen0776_**

**last chapter hope everyone enjoyed reading as much as i enjoyed writing this!**

**Chapter 15**

Just rest okay, baby. I'll be right back. Jax's words echoed in Becca's mind. Had she dreamt him? Had she dreamt the whole thing? Was she still lying in the hospital with Luke at her side? Or did the dream go even further than that and she was lying in bed next to Luke in their apartment at Headquarters?

Yet even before Becca opened her eyes she knew she hadn't dreamt it, not any of it. She could feel the cold hard floor beneath her as her body trembled in an effort to keep itself warm. Opening her eyes, she looked at the empty room around her, noticing the closet door set against the far wall and the closed door only a few feet away from her.

She turned onto her elbow and slowly sat up, closing her eyes again as a wave of dizziness pummeled her senses. As the dizziness eased slightly, she opened her eyes again and looked down at the flannel shirt that Jax had draped over her. How long had she rested? How long had he been gone? She had to tell him about Nick, that he was possessed.

As quickly as she could manage, Becca pulled Jax's shirt on. She took a moment to breathe in his scent, before she struggled precariously to her feet. She paused as another wave of lightheadedness hit her and she struggled to remain standing. After a few deep breaths it passed and she staggered to the door.

"Jax!" she cried out, her voice sounding raspy and unused as she hurried to Jax's side. Falling to her knees, she weakly shook Jax's unconscious form. "S-Sunsh-shine, p-please wake up," she whispered as tears streaked down her cheeks. This was all her fault, Jax wouldn't be hurt if he hadn't come to save her. She should have known it wasn't him in the hospital, she should have seen that it was Nick from the start.

Jax didn't move, or make a sound and suddenly she was worried he was dead. She put her ear to his chest and released a breath she hadn't realized she was holding as she heard the steady beating of his heart. So why wouldn't he wake up? She wondered as she leaned back and checked Jax's head for any injuries. Finding none, she moved to look over the rest of him and found nothing more than a few innocuous bruises.

Glancing past Jax, she noticed another man slouched against the wall next to Jax. She stared at the man a long moment, perturbed by the feeling that she should know him. She slowly stood, her legs unsteady beneath her as she moved to the man's side and pressed her fingers to his neck, feeling for a pulse. His pulse, like Jax's, was steady and strong yet just like Jax he didn't rouse when she shook him. As she looked him over she noted a large bruise forming on the back of the man's head and a small cut at the back of his neck.

She stood again, pulled Jax's shirt tighter around her shivering body as she surveyed the damage to the room. There was a dent in the wall above the other man's unconscious form and Becca guessed it was from his head being slammed against the wall. Her eyes trailed down the length of the wall, noting broken glass and remnants of what had been a chair strew across the floor.

Below a large smear of blood on the wall, among this wreckage, she saw something that made her blood run cold. The beaten and bloodied form of someone she recognized immediately. "L-Luke," she breathed. Caught between her longing to run to his side and her fear that he might be dead, Becca stood frozen, staring at the growing pool of blood around him. "No-no-no-no…" She cried over and over, shaking her head as though it might erase the image before her.

"D-Dar-lin'," Luke's pained voice rasped punctuated by a short cough. Becca rushed to his side as he blinked up at her. "H-he…d-did it…" he wheezed, coughing again, he clutched his bloodied abdomen. "H-he…h-healed…y-you…" Luke's eyes fluttered closed as a smile crept to his lips. He coughed again, squeezing his eyes shut as his smiled turned to a grimace of pain and he moaned.

"L-looks like I-I've gotta s-save y-your ass ag-gain," Becca teased, though falling short as the chuckle she tried for came out as a heart-broken sob.

"Mmm…l-looks…l-like," Luke murmured a sad smile playing on his lips as he added. "N-not s-sure…you c-can…th-this ti—" his words were cut short as he gasped. His eyes filled with sadness and fear.

"N-no…L-Luke…Baby, h-hey…s-stay with m-me," she pleaded, tears flowing unchecked down her cheeks as she leaned in and gently grazed his lips with hers. Her eyes fluttered closed and a heartrending sigh escaped her lips as she felt Luke's ice cold hand on her cheek.

"Shh…d-don' cry…D-Dar-lin'," Luke murmured drowsily. "'M not…s-sad…" His voice trailed off as he took a ragged breath. Becca felt her heart break as she listened to the man she loved struggle to draw a breath. "I-I'm not…a-afraid ta…d-die—"

"D-don't…don't you do that…d-don't you give up on me," Becca interrupted, anger surging through her. A sudden and clear thought emerged in her mind. She needed to get help and she needed it now. "W-where's your cell phone?" She demanded, pulling away from Luke so that she could look at him and immediately wished she hadn't. He was paler than mere minutes before, the bloodied gash on his neck standing out in stark contrast to the deathly pallor of his skin.

"M-my…p-poc-ket," he managed before another coughing fit overtook him. Blood trickled down the side of his mouth, past his pale lips as he clenched his eyes tightly shut against the pain searing through him. "D-Dar-l-lin…I-I…" his voice trailed off as he took another shaky breath. He struggled to lift his leaden hand to Becca's face as she leaned into him again desperately searching his pockets, but failed. "I-I…L-love y-you…pl-please…re-rememb…"

"L-Luke?" Becca whispered frantically. She pulled two squared objects from his pocket, one of which she knew must be his cell phone and pulled back again to look at him. His head lolled forward against his chest. His closed eyes and sad smile gave him a contented look. "N-no…B-Baby," she breathed, her free hand gently coaxing his chin up and willing him to open his eyes. An anguished sob escaped her lips as she hesitated to check her dying love's pulse. What if he was dead? She couldn't allow herself to think that way, couldn't give up on him.

She pulled back from him, choosing to believe that he was still alive as she looked down at the objects she'd procured from his pockets. One was indeed his cell phone and the other was a small velvet, indigo-colored box. Becca closed her eyes against her welling tears. She knew what was in the box; Luke had shown her once long ago. Yet she couldn't bring herself to open it now. She carefully set the delicate box aside and turned her attention to the cell phone. She quickly dialed the number for Brethren headquarters, knowing she would need help to get the three injured men to the hospital.

"So, did you find the princess?" Lochlan's cynical voice answered after two short rings. "'Cause we're all here waitin' with bated breath."

Anger boiled within Becca at Lochlan's insensitive words and she longed to hang up in his sarcastic face. But one look at Luke's motionless and bloodied form reminded her that this wasn't about her anger or dislike for Lochlan, it was about saving the man she loved. Becca's gaze strayed to the small velvet box again as she picked it up, remembering the day Luke had shown her what was inside.

"_It's a Claddaugh ring," Luke declared, removing the silver ring from its box. "The heart represents love, the crown loyalty and the hands friendship," he explained as he pointed out each aspect of the ring. "It's an Irish wedding ring…this one was my ma's an' I…"_

"Luke? Are ya there?" spoke another familiar voice, tearing Becca from the comfort of her memory. "It's Hunter. Is it Becca? Is she okay?" Hunter's concerned voice asked.

"H-he's d-dying," Becca breathed as she looked up at Luke's deathly pale form again. "I-I c-can't…I can't ch-check…d-don't make m-me ch-check."

"Becs? B, are you alright?"

"L-Lu…H-he's d-dyin'…an' J-Jax and h-his friend," she mumbled softly. "Th-they won't w-wake up…d-dunno wh-what ta d—" Her words were cut short by an agonizing sob.

"W-where are ya, B?" Hunter asked softly, his voice thick with emotion. Becca slowly looked around her as she struggled to remember where she was and came up with nothing.

"I-I don't…" her voice trailed off as she remembered Nick's words to her in the car. "H-he said he was t-taking me…h-home," she murmured cryptically.

"Who, B? Who said that?" Hunter demanded his voice filled with urgency.

"N-Nick…h-he s-said he was…was t-takin' me h-home," she whispered absently. "It's m-my fault…I-I shoulda known…shoulda seen..." her voice trailed off as she leaned closer to Luke's broken and battered form, placing her head against his bloodied chest. A low mournful sob broke from her lips as she listened to the sluggishly slow beating of Luke's heart. "'M s-so s-sorry…B-baby," she wept as the phone slid from her hands and clattered to the floor.

"B…Becs?" Hunter shouted frantically into the phone. He looked hopefully to Lochlan, knowing the older guardian had handed him the telephone so he could track the GPS on Luke's phone. "I can still hear her, s-she's cryin' but it's far away…I-I think she dropped the phone."

"Doesn't matter, I found them," Lochlan declared as he clicked on the red marker on the map displayed on his computer screen. "They're at 329 Chapel Street," he added with a triumphant grin.

"Let's go then," Hunter replied, heading for the door.

"Go where," Jason asked, entering the room. "Did you find them? Is Becca—?"

"S-she's alive, but Luke…Luke's runnin' outta time," Hunter informed apprehension clearly etched across his face. They all knew there was an undeniably deep bond between Becca and Luke and if one of them died…

"So are we goin' or are you two ladies too busy getting all touchy-feely at the moment?" Lochlan asked, pushing past the two younger men as he pulled on his jacket. "'Cause I don't think we can risk losing two of our best with the war this close." Without waiting for a response Lochlan headed out the door, taking the stairs to the parking garage below. Running his hand along his Jeep Cherokee's perfectly waxed midnight blue hood as he rounded the vehicle to the driver's side, he knew without looking that the other two guardians followed him closely behind.

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Jax gasped as he was pulled from the blissful darkness that surrounded him by a feeling of anguish and pain he couldn't explain. He slowly sat up, trying to remember where he was as he looked around the room, first taking in Sam's unconscious form beside him. As he moved to check on his fallen friend, another wave of heartrending sadness he knew wasn't his sent him reeling.

"It's m-my fault…I-I shoulda known…shoulda seen..." He heard Becca's pained whisper followed by a low mournful sob. Seeking out the sound of her voice, he glanced to where she knelt beside a battered and bloodied Luke. "'M s-so s-sorry…B-baby," she wept as he watched a cell phone slide from her hands and clattered to the floor. She clung to Luke's deathly still form and Jax worried that the other hunter was dead.

Jax shakily pushed himself up, ignoring his pounding head and aching muscles. He swayed as he stood on shaky legs, his vision swimming for a moment as he blinked his eyes several times. When his vision cleared he took a few staggering steps, bridging the gap between him and Becca and Luke as quickly as he could manage.

"R-Red," he whispered softly, placing a comforting hand on her shoulder. He watched as she turned her pained gaze his way. He closed his eyes as he felt another surge or abject sorrow wash over him, understanding now that it had been her pain he was feeling all along. "I-is he…?" Jax's words trailed off as her sadness swelled within him again.

"N-no," she whispered hoarsely. "H-he c-can't…" her voice trailed off as she looked up at him, her eyes silently pleading him to do what she couldn't bring herself to ask.

"I-I don't know…if I can…can heal him…n-not completely anyway," Jax whispered as he skirted the blood gathering around the fallen hunter, crouching on the other side of his motionless form. He saw the hope lighting Becca's face as he glanced at her, finding his resolve to try to save the man she loved. He quickly pushed away the sadness that knowing she loved someone else caused him and concentrated on doing what was necessary to assure her happiness. It was all that mattered now. "P-put yer h-hand over m-mine," he croaked as he laid his right hand over the wound in Luke's belly. "C-close yer eyes."

With a deep breath, Jax closed his eyes in concentration. In his mind's eye he pictured the bloodied gash and slowly imagined it closing up. He felt the now familiar warmth emanating from his hand and the bright glowingly light that accompanied it burning against his closed eyelids. He heard Becca gasp and knew it was working.

Within seconds the wound had superficially healed. Jax's left hand flew out to the wall next to him as he felt himself sway. He knew there wasn't much more he could do as the warmth dissipated and the brightness against his eyelids dimmed. He felt himself slump sideways as his left hand slid from the wall. Exhaustion like none Jax had ever felt before enveloped him completely, struggling to open his eyes as he heard Becca calling his name.

"J-Jax? S-Sunsh-shine?"

Finally he managed to open his eyes and offer her a crooked smile in an effort to reassure her. "'M ok, R-red…jus' a little…t-tired...jus' n-need ta…r-res…" his voice trailed off as darkness crept in again, but a single thought held it at bay. "Sam." Jax struggled to push himself up; he needed to get to his friend, to check on him. He needed to figure out what Lucifer had done to him.

"H-he's unconscious, I-I think he has a concussion," Becca offered as Jax struggled to steady himself against the wall, before pushing away and lurching to his friend's side. "He…has a bump on the back of his head…and…and a small cut there, too," she added as she watched Jax collapse next to the other man.

Jax fought against the infringing darkness blurring his vision. "S-Sam…S-Sammy," he breathed as he sprawled onto the floor next to his friend and lost the fight to remain conscious.

"J-Jax?" Becca breathed as she stared at his sprawled form for a long moment, willing him to wake up so she wouldn't be alone. After a long moment she knew he wasn't waking up, not right now and she began to fear that healing her and then Luke had been too much for him. _What if he's dead?_ She pushed the thought away as she leaned back against Luke's chest, listening to the slow and unsteady beating of his heart. She couldn't bear to think that she might lose both the men she loved.

The three guardians burst into the house, guns drawn, with Lochlan taking point. Lochlan had seen many things in his career as a police officer but it never seemed to make it easier. As he entered he first noticed two men lying unconscious against the far wall, recognizing neither man immediately he continued to survey the debris and destruction that had occurred in search of his two fallen comrades.

Among the glass and debris beside the back window he found them. Becca huddled against Luke's deathly pale form, blood staining the thin material of the hospital gown she wore beneath an oversized flannel shirt. He could see her shivering against her fallen love, cuts along her legs and feet from the glass strewn around her. Refusing to allow himself to be immobilized by the grisly and heartbreaking scene before him, Lochlan burst into action. He knew there was no time to waste if they were to have any chance of saving Luke.

"Jason, check on those two," he barked, nudging his head toward the two men on the far wall. "Hunter, there's a blanket in the back seat of my jeep, get it." Jason opened his mouth to say something, but reconsidered and quickly set about checking on Jax and Sam. But Hunter stared, unmoving at the sight of his friend's lifeless body and Becca clinging to him. "Hunter, now!" Lochlan shouted at the younger man. Lochlan knew the scene before them was surely stirring up memories within his colleague, memories of the family he lost to Azazel.

"S-sorry," Hunter mumbled as he hurried back out the door to get the blanket Lochlan had requested. On any other day, Hunter would have laughed off an order from Lochlan or told the older guardian to get it himself. But this situation was different, this situation called for a cool head and there was no member more suited to lead at the moment than the ex-police officer.

"They're both alive but unconscious," Jason called from where he crouched next to Jax and Sam. "Looks like Winchester might have a concussion, but I can't figure out why Jax won't wake up." Standing up, Jason moved back across the room to Lochlan's side. "Aren't ya gonna check on Luke?" he asked, taking a halting step toward his fallen friend, but Lochlan caught his arm and stopped him.

"Becca first, we won't be able to get close to him, without getting her out of the way," Lochlan explained, knowing from experience that someone in Becca's position would, at best, be in shock and at worst, be unwilling to leave their loved one's side. Hunter returned with the blanket, looking slightly more composed as he moved to Lochlan's side and waited for instructions. "Hunter, I need you to get Becca out of here, take her out to the car and assess her injuries while Jason and I check on Luke."

"B…B-Becs," Hunter whispered softly as he slowly moved to her side, not wanting to scare her. Planting his feet at the edge of the pool of blood surrounding his friends, he carefully wrapped the blanket around Becca's quivering shoulders. Becca's eyes fluttered open as she looked up at him. Hunter recognized the sadness in them, the sadness that came from losing someone close to you; someone so close you're not sure how to go on. "It's gonna be okay," he whispered, knowing full well it might a lie. In one swift movement he scooped up the petite hunter's frail form into his arms. He pulled the blanket tightly around her as he stepped back and quickly moved out of the way to allow Lochlan and Jason access to Luke's beaten and bloodied form. He stood in motionless silence as he watched Lochlan and Jason hurriedly set to work, assessing Luke's injuries.

"I…I don't understand," Lochlan muttered a puzzled look on his face as he lifted Luke's bloody shirt and found not even a scratch. "Th-there's all this blood…but where'd it come from? I mean it can't be from his neck...it doesn—"

"J-Jax…h-he healed it," Becca explained in a husky voice, garnering all three hunters' attention.

"Healed it?" Lochlan stared at her in disbelief. He'd seen a lot of things in his life, both before being Joshua's guardian and since, but this was surprising even to him. "Like a Mr. Miagi, rub your hands together, faith healing type of deal?"

"I-I don't…I don't kn-know how it…w-works," Becca sighed wearily. "Jus' know th-there's this w-warmth…an' th-this bright l-light…it…it was the s-same when he…healed m-my h-heart."

Again the three men exchanged looks of disbelief. "H-he healed…y-yer heart?" Hunter whispered, his hand grazing her gaunt cheek. She nodded up at him as she pushed aside the blanket and tugged at the neckline of her hospital gown to show the smooth skin that now resided where the scar from her heart surgery had once been. Hunter glanced down at the unblemished skin below her collar bone and then back at her face, his eyes wide with amazement.

As Jason watched the exchange between Becca and Hunter he said a silent prayer that she was right and the he would find a pulse as he pressed his fingers to Luke's neck. At first he felt nothing and panic swelled within him. "Th-there's no…I-I can't f-feel a…p-pulse," he stammered, shifting his pained gaze from Lochlan to Hunter and Becca.

"N-no…h-he c-can't…J-Jax…he…he healed him…he st-stopped the bleeding…" Becca whispered, her voice trailing off as she squirmed in Hunter's arms. "No…Baby! P-please!" She cried, growing increasingly agitated as she tried to free herself from Hunter's arms.

"Get her out of here!" Lochlan growled as he placed his fingers to Luke's neck and closed his eyes to better concentrate. Luke's pulse was weak and Lochlan knew they didn't have much time. "I found a pulse, but it's thready at best…We have to get him out of here," the older hunter surmised, his gaze meeting Jason's. Jason nodded as he carefully slid his arms beneath Luke's thighs and Lochlan grasped him beneath his arms. Both men moved as one, gently lifting Luke's injured form in a single swift movement. As quickly as they could manage without jostling their friend, they carried Luke out to Lochlan's jeep.

Jason had expected his friend to have some kind of reaction to the movement; a hiss, a moan, but there was neither and one look at Lochlan's grim demeanor confirmed what Jason was thinking. Luke might not make it.

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Hunter stood in the doorway of Luke's hospital room, studying his friend's unconscious face. It had been almost four days since their rescue mission and Luke had yet to awaken. Hunter was beginning to worry, not only about Luke but about Becca. It had been touch and go for the first couple of days and Becca had insisted on being by Luke's side, vehemently refusing anyone's suggestion going home to rest and after talking to some of the other Brethren members Hunter wasn't entirely sure she was eating either.

Becca looked up at him as though sensing his presence, dark circles beneath her mismatched eyes. She forced an exhausted-looking smile to her gaunt face as he moved to her side. "How ya holdin' up, B?" Hunter asked as he gently squeezed her shoulder, offering her an empathetic smile. "You look tired, m-maybe you sh—"

"What are you all gonna have a try?" she asked with an aggravated sigh. "'Cause Jamie, Jason and even Lochlan have tried to convince me I should go home and get some rest."

"W-we're just worried about ya, B," Hunter explained. "Have you taken a look at yourself? 'Cause from where I'm standin' there won't be much left for Luke to wake up to soon."

"What the hell's that supposed to mean?" Becca demanded, brushing Hunter's hand from her shoulder.

"B, you're barely sleepin' an' I don't think your eatin'…I-I…Luke wouldn't want ya doin' this—"

"Doin' what, Hunter?" Becca spat as she bolted to her feet. "H-he wouldn't w-want me h-here…b-by his s-side?" She stammered, clutching the chair for support as she swayed precariously, blinking several times as though struggling to focus on him.

"Wastin' away, B. When's the last time ya ate somethin'?" Hunter inquired softly as he looped his arm around her waist and eased her back into her seat at Luke's side. "'Cause we've been talkin' and you keep tellin' me ya ate with Jamie and tellin' Jamie ya ate with Jason…you see where I'm goin' with this."

"Look, I get it alright…I'll eat someth—"

"No, I don't think ya do," Hunter interrupted, grabbing her arm and hauling her to her feet again. He hated having to be rough with her, but it was the only way to make her realize what she was doing to herself. He guided her into the adjoining bathroom, flipping on the light as they entered and stopped in front of the mirror. She needed to see what he saw, what Luke would see when he awoke. "Take a good look at what Luke's gonna wake up to."

Becca stood with her eyes clenched closed. She already knew what she would see. The sadness and despair in her eyes, the dark smudges beneath them. Slowly she opened her eyes and stared at the barely recognizable version of herself in the mirror and gasped. In truth she hadn't looked at herself since the night she'd been admitted to the hospital for her heart. The pale, emaciated woman looking back at her looked haunted. Her mismatched eyes lacked their usual sparkle and the dark smudges beneath them added to the gauntness of her face. Even her red hair looked dull and lifeless, hanging around her face.

"Please, B, let me take you home," Hunter pleaded, turning her to face him. "Just tonight, you can get cleaned up an' have a decent night's sleep…a-an' I can make you a real meal."

"B-but if L-Luke…if h-he wakes up—"

"If he wakes up, I'll drive ya right back here," Hunter promised. "The last thing you want is for Luke ta be worryin' about you when he—"

"Y-you're not gonna l-let this go, are you?" She looked up at Hunter expectantly. Hunter forced a smile as he shook his head. "Fine…one night…b-but that's it…the next time I g-go home, it's w-with Luke."

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Jax sighed as he shifted in his seat next to Sam's bed. He'd awoken the same day he'd been brought into the hospital by Becca and her friends and had been at Sam's side ever since. He'd immediately tried to heal his ailing friend and though he'd felt the warmth in the palms of his hands as he laid them upon Sam's head and heart and they had even glowed; nothing happened. Sam was still in a coma and the doctors were still baffled as to why. Worse was, Sam's organ's were shutting down and the doctors could barely detect any brain function, they'd mentioned taking Sam off life support.

Jax scrubbed a hand over his face as he struggled to understand what Lucifer had done to his friend and if his attempts to heal Sam had only made things worse. He needed answers, needed help. His first thought had been to call Dean, but Dean was dead. Jax prayed that the older hunter would forgive him for taking the only thing that could have saved him and for leading Sam into harms way. But who could help him? There was only one other person he could think of, one person who would want to know about Sam. Rowan. He'd tried to call the vampire several times since he'd awoken and had yet to reach his ex-guardian. With a weary sigh he headed outside to try to call him again.

"What do ya want Jax?" Came Rowan's voice sounding strained.

"Rowan, I've been tryin' ta call ya for days now." Urgency colored his voice as he felt a rush of relief to have finally gotten through to the vampire. "I know I'm probably the last person ya wanna hear from . . . an' I'm so damn sorry about Dean an' the amulet . . . but I didn't know who else to turn to an' they are askin' me if I wanna take him off life support – "

"Wait," Rowan interrupted sounding confused. "What are you talkin' about?"

"S-Sam," Jax replied in a shaky voice as he began to pace. "Lucifer, he . . . well, he did somethin' to him. I mean, he should've woke up. They've tried everything, but say the only thing that's keepin' him alive is all the damn tubes they got him hooked up to." He drew in a staggered breath, raking his had through his hair and then continued, "He jus' went downhill so damn fast, an' they don't know why. All his organs are shuttin' down, an' they can hardly detect any brain function at all."

"An' you said Lucifer did something to him. Why didn't you try an' heal him?"

"I've tried an' tried, but nothin' happens," Jax managed to choke out in a weary defeated manner as he leaned against the glass entranceway window. "It's like he knows that Dean's gone, an' jus' gave up the will to live."

"No, it's like Lucifer did somethin' to him, an' no medical intervention is gonna save him."

"Then what am I supposed ta do?"

"You don't let him die, you hear me?" Rowan ordered and Jax felt like someone had lifted a weight off his shoulders.

"Yeah," Jax breathed a heavy sigh. Though he still wasn't sure how he felt about his ex-protector, it was relieving to have the other man to take on some of the burden.

"Listen, I'll make some calls, an' get him the best care possible, but you make damn sure that no one unhooks those machines no matter what."

"Gotcha." Jax paused to draw in a breath. "I'm – I'm so sorry about Dean . . . Sam's never gonna forgive me. How do I even begin ta tell him his brother died cause of me?" He was filled with overwhelming regret, knowing that if his friend made it through this, if he woke up, Sam would never forgive him. _I'm gonna lose Sam either way,_ Jax thought as a soft sob escaped his lips. "I jus' . . . I totally messed up everything . . . an' Dean died . . . Sam could die, an' it's all my fault."

"Look, you couldn't have known what would happen when you took the amulet," Rowan assured but it was little solace to Jax. "You jus' make sure he stays alive long enough for me to figure out a way to save him."

"Ya think ya can save him?" Jax asked, hope swelling within him that his friend could be saved.

"Yeah, if Lucifer did somethin' to him, I'm pretty sure there has to be a way I can fix it. Just take care of him, Jax . . . Dean would be . . . he gave everything to make sure Sam was safe, an' I'm not about to let him die now." Rowan replied, hanging up before Jax could respond. Jax could hear the determination in Rowan's words and he knew that Rowan wouldn't want Dean's sacrifice for his brother to be in vain. He pocketed his phone and sighed feeling a mixture of relief and dread rushing through him as he reentered the hospital and headed back to his friend's bedside.

"Jax?" Sam called, searching his unfamiliar surroundings for his friend. Where was he? Looking up at the large mansion before him, he wondered how he'd gotten there. The last thing he remembered they'd been at Jax's childhood home saving Becca. He patted his pockets in search of his cell phone and came up empty.

A sudden and troubling thought surfaced as he moved up the unpaved walkway to the large stone mansion. _Was I possessed again? Is that why I can't remember getting here?_ He wondered, remembering the last time he'd experienced lost time was when Meg had possessed him. _But the tattoo, it's supposed to protect me from that happening again._ His mind flitted back to Lucifer stepping out from within the devil's trap Sam had drawn around the demon's feet. _If that can't hold him…then maybe the tattoo doesn't protect against him possessing me._

He mounted the few steps to the mansion door and looked for a doorbell. Finding none he lifted the heavy iron knocker on the door, listening to his knock echo through the large entranceway as he waited for someone to answer the door. He hoped to use the owner's phone to call Jax or Bobby. _God, please don't let me have hurt them._ He thought, remembering the last time he'd been possessed and how he'd almost killed Jo and had shot Dean.

A stocky, dark-haired man with a thick bushy beard answered the door, looking tired and annoyed. "Can I help ya, son?"

"Umm…I was hoping to use your telephone," Sam said with a polite smile. He watched the man's brow furrow and his eyes narrow as he studied Sam more closely.

"My what? Sir, who are you and what business do ya have on my property?"

"S-Sam Winch-chester," Sam stammered taken aback by the older man's reaction to his request. "L-listen Mr.…"

"Mr. Colt, Samuel Colt."

"S-Samuel Colt?"

**the end...for now! Check out bambers2's newest stories in the season coming up...Knockin on heaven's door and Shotgun sinners**


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